Let's make Earth the #1 Planet

I read both your posts over and over, and pardon me but I can’t make sense of them. What are you suggesting, filling the core with refrigerator magnets? The ones I’ve seen can barely hold up a kid’s crayon drawing, that’s why they invented Scotch tape and Post-its. Yes, there are more powerful magnets, but how many Monster Magnets would Wham-o have to provide - probably billions, and getting them into where they’d make any difference seems impractical. Maybe you could launch them into orbit, that would at least take care of the deadly ions, but we’re still stuck with a Planet full of hot goo, and by the way I never said the Magma part wasn’t a problem, I just modified my proposal to suggest First things First.

Why does everything get so complicated?

That’s exactly the suggestion.
How powerful are fridge magnets? Well how about beating *The Earth* in a battle over a compass needle?


You may need to rethink it.
If they can be wrong about Saturn…

…they can be wrong about earth.

Well, Earth is big (even if not big as Saturn), and if we fill the core with refrigerator magnets, there’s room for a LOT of them in there. So Hatchie is wrong that they’re too weak to be worthwhile, because if we got all their poles aligned properly, it could be a force to be reckoned with.

Oh, I’m sorry, but that just looks like Clickbait to me. I mean, it shows the core of Saturn doing the Hoochy Koochy Mambo, that’s not Science, are you kidding me? I guess some people will fall for it, but I’m just surprised a serious news source like The Independent would risk their journalistic integrity by climbing aboard this runaway train. Sometimes, you just have to step back and give these so-called “findings” the “sniff test”; Saturn has enough problems, starting with the fact that they found lots of other planets that have rings, it’s not such a big deal. Next thing they will say those aren’t rings at all but Hula Hoops, that should get a lot of Internet traffic, but as the saying goes you can’t fool the People once!

Hey, Saturn is awesome. How often do you find stunning things like co-orbital moons, or a moon that farts frost, or a moon with an atmosphere denser than earth where it rains farts from clouds of farts? How many planets have a hexagon on the north pole? A core that does the hootchy-cootchy sounds mundane compared to the crazy-ass shit that goes on at Saturn. And when they show movies of a flyby, that little flash of crap as it passes the ring plane makes it worth the trip.

There’s an explanation for that hexagon:

     Earth has always been #1 in my book.

Mercury & Venus would like to have a word …

Well I see our resident sasspot has turned up again like the famed Bad Pony. You are welcome to gush over Saturn and other non-Terran planets all you like; I don’t live there and I don’t care. But Saturn in particular is a very low-ranked planet, and getting lower by the minute. Everything we’ve learned about it in recent decades only accelerates the slide. In fact, if we could keep some of the moons, Titian in particular and ditch that gaseous blob they’re stuck whizzing around, I’d be fine with that, if only because I know it would bug a certain unnamed nobody who has a problem with serious things like Science which I have great Respect for because without it we are very likely coming to an unpleasant end; could be sooner or much later but if we just laugh it off like Alfred J. Neuman we’ll be dead and very sorry about it!

I really wanted to update those who have been following this with new developments, and since nobody has volunteered to help me out with the Bolsonaro letter, I did some poking around and discovered a Great resource called Google Translate, so in case you were worried, I just want to say Problem Solved! Now I will have to tweak my letter to Yoho (rat traitor) but that part will be easy, so I will post the new version very soon because I know you might be getting impatient and I don’t blame you. I am especially eager to get the Signor Presidente on board because his country (Brasil) owns a huge chunk of the Equator, which is very advantageous for us as will soon be clear. So please don’t lose heart, we will soon get this Dead Horse back into the barn!

It seems to me that there should be enough concrete slitting saws that we could cut Earth’s mantle into sections about 1-mile square. Earth’s rotation would force the pieces outward, expanding (and COOLING!) the core. It’s a win-win situation, as it would create more land, keep sea levels low, and get rid of the pesky volcanism.

We’d probably need some of those therm-o-dynamics people to tell us exactly what will be required, but I’ll be happy to run one of the slitters. The question is “Do we have enough orange safety cones to do it all at once?”

Son (sorry if I’m being presumptuous), that’s exactly the kind of thinking that we need more of. I will ponder on this, and I appreciate your willingness to roll up your sleeves and get down into the muck, which is basically what the Mantle is, except it’s several thousand degrees (Fahrenheit) hotter. But there have been too many jokers around here who have nothing to offer but tomfoolery and monkey hi-jinkles. I don’t mind, I was expecting that, I blame the Sixties.

Oh, and here’s an update on the Feep situation. It seems after his show got canceled he disappeared into the Mel Lyman cult on Fort Hill and has not been seen in decades. Would not surprise me if he is in fact running the place now. I’m wondering if we couldn’t get him and his Zombie followers to work with us on this.

Oi, Hatchie !
Are all these recent volcanic shenanigans in Hawaii & the canaries anything to do with you ?

Not mine, I wish I had that ability. I would have a volcano appear somewhere nobody expects! Like the Everglades. It would help promote our cause, which is to scare people.

Speaking of scare, has anyone noticed a spate of ads like this:

It’s all over my iPhone, over and over: #2 is Scary!
I have not and will not look at #2. But do those pictures not suggest in a metaphorical way what we are up against? Who would use such an abberant way to send us a message - to warn us off?
I don’t want to jump the fence here but I am worried.
Please don’t tell me what #2 is.

Don’t know what #2 is (in this context, heh) but my guess is that it is something that applies to EVERYONE. Like, ‘occasional heartburn’, or ‘trouble sleeping sometimes’, or ‘itchy skin.’

Nothing better for goosing up the number of people who will wonder if they really need to buy their wonder cure.

My friends, I present my plea for help to Brasil Presidente Bolsonaro, which I have fine-tuned for maximum impact, in particular I machoed it up a bit as that is how these Latinxes seem to like it.

Dear Jair,

I want to say I admire you greatly, having seen many images of your supporters in the streets lately holding up their signs of praise: “FORA BOLSONERO!”. I do not speak the Language of Portugal, but those pictures are worth a thousand words - they love you! “Fora” today, “fora” tomorrow, and keep going!

(Incidentally, in today’s world there need not be a language barrier, so please do not hesitate to reply in the language of your People, or any language you are comfortable with. It is better that way - I have the means to cross that river, even if it is the Mighty Amazon, to be sure not a place I’d like to be with its hellish flesh-devouring pirañas!)

My purpose today is to inform you of a project of which I am the prime instigator, which is very important if the world (known as Terra or “Rocky Primary 3” as understood by Astronomical Science) is to continue an uninterrupted existence. I don’t want to startle anyone by saying this - perhaps you are thinking this fellow sounds like a Gangster from the movies - “Oh you have a nice planet, it would be a pity if anything happened to it!” That is not my intent at all, but at the same time, if you are not shocked, you should be.

If I were to discuss the origins of our Solar System (let’s leave our Galaxy out of it for the nonce) you would nod your head in agreement that it has indeed been around for a long time - that’s called History. But history can teach us much, and the most important lesson is not to repeat mistakes from the past if you can help it.

The question we have to answer is, do we need to accept Earth as it is? In the past, the answer was “Si”; it need be that way no longer. Technology has leapt forward at alarming rates, problems that were thought to be hopeless boondoggles are now ours to solve with a flick of the wrist. I was around in the Sixties, what a mess but by the end of the decade, Man was on the Moon!

I will not conceal the fact that this project will take time and be very expensive. But here is the good news: it won’t cost you anything! You only need to agree to allow our team to come into your country and take as much time as we need to do our work, unimpeded. Maybe you could provide us with a few large buildings as a base, with an airstrip (there might be heavy equipment involved) plus living quarters in Rio, near the beach if possible. And we will need to borrow your Equator.

I cannot really say more than this right now - I hope I have successfully pinked your interest. More details will be forthcoming if you give us the nod; our survival is at stake, now is not the time of weakness and inertia, now is the time for Action, a man of which I am told you are one of.

Awaiting your imminent quick response,

J. Vincent Hatch (Pete)

PS Don’t let the East-Coast elites in Sao Paulo talk you out of this!

Next stop, Google Translate, then into the mail tomorrow. Can someone find out the cost of Airmail postage on a standard business envelope, from Roslindale MA to Brazil and let me know? Thanks.

Sounds good. But ‘pinked’ should be ‘piqued.’

“Earth: Number 3 on the solar score card but number 1 in our hearts!” :heart:

… and you might want to take out references to nonces as well.
And the superfluous “of”.

Oh here we go. Picking apart my cry for help, but I had to look up the postage myself, so typical - anyway letter is already heading South, and I’m pretty sure it’s pinked.