Both please. :eek: 
Thank you.
Uncle Joe
Julia Child or Emeril (BAM)
Emeril. I’d rather cross over into heterosexual waters than necrophiliac waters.
Ozzy Osbourne or Sharon Osbourne?
Stalin vs. Mussolini: Mussolini. Italians have a reputation for being good in the sack.
Boss or spouse’s best friend: Spouse’s best friend. See above comment. Besides, he’s an attractive guy.
Ozzy vs. Sharon: Ozzy. First of all, I just prefer guys. Secondly, he’d probably fall asleep within the first minute or so.
Charles Manson vs. John Wayne Gacy: Charles Manson. He didn’t murder his little band of groupies, did he? Besides, he’d probably be interesting to talk to. :eek:
Michael Jackson vs. Elizabeth Taylor: Elizabeth Taylor. I’d rather be with anybody who is at least identifiably human than Michael Jackson. Then again, if I was with Michael Jackson, I could get a look at his weenie and sell my story for big bucks. And he probably wouldn’t be able to “perform” at all, given that I am all woman, baby. So, I’ll change my vote to Michael Jackson.
Apu vs. Moe
Chief Wiggum vs. Mayor Quimby
Disco Stu vs. Artie Ziff
The Comic Book Guy vs. Mr. Burns
Reverend Lovejoy vs. Principal Skinner
Principal Skinner’s mother vs. Patty and Selma
To the first: If you mean the Barbara Bush featured on this page, then her. But Ann if the alternative is this gal.
To the second: My first-grade teacher was a fairly young woman when I was in her class. If she’s still alive, she’s in her mid-sixties. My high school principal was a man (now dead, but the OP’s instruction to “[a]ssume everyone in history is alive and well” presumably applies to the ordinary as well as the celebrated). Regardless, I’m a straight guy, so Miss Roth over Mr. Wise any day!
Lee Harvey Oswald or John Wilkes Booth?
Rasputin or Lucrezia Borgia?
Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble?
For the bear lovers out there:
David Copperfield or Chris Carrabba?
Richard Simmons or Carrot Top?
(definitely a thread killer!)
Carrot Top
Helen Thomas or Madeline Albright?
Ditto Carrot Top. He uses props. And I just don’t like the idea of “sweatin’ to the oldie”.
Madeline. Definitely Madeline.
Now… under the category “Weird, Weirder, and Weirdest”:
“a duck” or “that noise”?
Ashley or Mary-Kate?
A Boy Scout troop or a troop of bonobos?
A duck, Ashley, and a Boy Scout troop.
You lot have perverted my mind, now. holds head
Dobby or Gollum?
Hannibal Lecter or Jack the Ripper?
Cheney or Edwards?
Cheney vs. Edwards: Edwards. Would anybody pick Cheney? I mean, I can’t imagine that even the most partisan person would choose a creepy old geezer with cardiac trouble over a good-looking and fit kind of guy.
Clinton vs. Al Gore?
Ralph Kramden vs. Ed Norton?
Joe/Josephine vs. Jerry/Daphne?