A duck is waddling through the entertainment district, and looks up to find he has a good view up an idle young lady’s skirt.
“Say, that’s a mighty fine lookin’ snatch you’ve got there, I’d sure like a little of that,” says the duck. “Well, it’s gonna cost you a hundred bucks,” replies the idle young lady.
Sez the duck: “Just put it on my bill.”
How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Because of all the elephant spooge covering the jello.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was running away from a pedophile.
Q: Why did the paedophile cross the road?
A: The kids were on the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To fuck the cock.
(sorry, I was going more for dirty than funny)
This morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. Then I masturbated like a motherfuck.
Then I ate some Jello
Q: What was an elephant doing in your pyjamas?
A: Sniffing the crotch and wanking at the same time.
I was working as a talent agent and a family act came in, and family acts are my specialty, so I asked them to run through their show. They all sang a song together, and their dog ran through hoops being juggled by the daughter, and the finale was when they made a human pyramid. I asked them what they were called. They said in unison “We’re the mother raping, father stabbing, bestial incest family!”
Guy takes his wife to a shrink and says “Docotr, you got to help my wife. For the past two years she has been thinking she’s a chicken.”
Docotr sayd “Two years! Why didn’t you come to see me sooner?”
Guy says “I like fucking chickens.”
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have three legs?”
“Well,” said the farmer, “that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my two kids.”
“That’s amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?” said the man.
“Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”
“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has three legs.”
“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.”
“Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has three legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.
“Well,” said the farmer, “I like having sex with animals and I’ve got an amputee fetish.”
Why did the Okie cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.
Win.
Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. John Boehner getting anally raped.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
The piano doesn’t smell like pussy.
There were these three Bangkok sex show workers who argued over who had the strongest pussy. They agreed to demonstrate their strenght at that night’s show. The first woman inserted a banana into her pussy and fired it through a three-inch thick board. The second woman inserted three ping pong balls and fired them through a piece of sheet metal. The third woman didn’t insert anything but merely grunted and a small hole appeared in the back wall. “What was that?” said the first woman. And the third woman said “I just blew the dick off the guy in the third row.”
Q. How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Vagina.
A guy who is desperate for work applies for a job as a school bus driver. He gets it, and the supervisor tells him: I’ve got to warn you, everyone wo has had this job has quit after the first day. You only have to make three stops and pick up four kids. That’s your bus, the one with the Sesame Street characters on it.
He goes to the first stop and two very fat girls get on. The first one says “My name’s Patty.” The second one says “My name’s Patty, two.”
At the second stop, a ver weird looking kid gets on and says “My name’s Ross and I’m so special the kids call me Special Ross.”
At the third stop, a little black kid get gets on and says Whoo, whassup? My name is Lester G."
The driver drives on and starts to notice a sickening smell. He looks in the rear view mirror, and sees that Lester G has taken off a shoe and sock and is picking at a hugh bunion on his foot.
The bus drive speeds to the school, drops the kids off, and speeds back to the garage. He finds the supervisor and screams “I QUIT!”
“You quit? Why?”
"WHY? WHY? I’ll tell you why.
Oiginal punch line You’ve got me driving two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
Dirtied up punch line: Just cause I’m a pedophile doesn’t mean I like fucking obese chicks, retards or niggers!
This one wins the thread. 
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch together. The priest ordered a ham sandwich while the rabbi ordered pastrami.
“Ah, rabbi, my friend,” said the priest. “When will I finally see you eat pork?”
And the rabbi replied, “go fuck yourself!”