Speaking of Theodore Roosevelt, I read in the newspaper this morning* that he had to constantly gnaw on furniture in order to keep his teeth from growing through his skull.
- OK, so I read it on the comics page. Still, it’s a good story!
Sadly, I don’t think that one’s new, either. See the first Google result for “microchipped at hospitals.”
The OP is sadly out of date about mall Santas. Yes, that was what they used to be, before 9/11. Starting in 2006, the auto industry mall Santas were replaced by Homeland Security Santas, who convince children to spy on and rat out their parents, siblings and neighbors. Most kids would sell out their grandma for a pony, or their sister for a pint of ice cream.
Dammit again! I have to really up my paranoid delusions.
As we all know, one of the main goals of communism is to foster a culture of meritocracy. One of the best ways to illustrate that is to look to communist China - there the words “individualism” and “hate” are represented by the same character.
Charlie Sheen was paid by foreign govenments to go nutso so that US news would report on him, instead of covering silly things like government revolutions.
Because they dont have babies in hospitals?
I came up with a good conspiracy theory to spread amongst Birthers and White Power websites a while back:
*The Birther movement is funded by Israel. As you recall, one of its leaders is Orly Taitz – an Israeli lawyer.
The reason for this is because, as the son of an immigrant, Obama didn’t grow up in a family which was part of the Zion-controlled political and military-industrial complex. His presidency means that Israel loses control over the US government. If you listen to Obama’s speeches, you will find many instances where he as much states his intentions to break down the roots of this Zionist system and cast it out of our government. Discrediting his birth is just one of many of the visible battles between our President and this insidious organization.*
Current 3-D movie technology was back engineered from alien debris recovered from Roswell.
All hair shampoos found on store shelves in the West are made from the bodies of third world infants, which are bred specifically for this purpose.
Drill deep enough into the earth, and you can hear the screams of the damned. Wait, that was from that reputable scientific journal, the Weekly World News.
Using your turn indicator for more than one click, whether changing lanes or making a turn, means you’re gay. Using it for one click only means you’re involved in a gang initiation rite.
Salad dressings make good anal lube.
For more appetizing Santorum? 
All children born north of the equator have a ‘top knot’ (don’t know if that’s the right name for it) that creates a spiral circling clockwise & those born south of the equator have their hair pattern grow counter-clockwise.
“Cowlick.”
Eating strawberries at the same meal as bread will give you hypothyroidism.
Robert E. Lee opposed a proposed plan to kill slaves rather than let them be liberated by the Union Army.
If I had heard that from a trusted agnostic/atheist friend, I would have bought it hook line and sinker.