Let's tell each other jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

A young, yokel farm boy from the outback had never left his village, and feeling wanderlust, he replies to an advertisement in the local paper, placed there by anothr farmer: TRUCK DRIVER WANTED.

“Son, can you drive a truck?”

“Sure, I’m a farmer’s son. I can drive anything.”

“Right. You can start Monday. I need you to take this load of wheat to Sydney.”

“How do I get to Sydney?”

“Just follow the highway, kid.”

So come Monday, he excitedly puts the truck into gear and sets off along the highway. Several hours later, he arrives at a small town - yet to him it was a metropolis. He sees his first ever set of traffic lights. Waiting at those lights, he winds down the window and asks the bloke in the car beside him, “'scuse me mate, is this Sydney?” The other driver thinks he’s mad, and tells him to keep driving down the highway.

Hours later, he gets to a big country town. He asks a passing pedestrian, “Hey mate, is this Sydney?” With the same bemusement, the local tells him to keep driving.

By late afternoon, he finally arrives in the metropolis. The afternoon peak hour is starting to build up, and he’s stuck at a set of lights in the heaviest traffic he’s ever seen. He leans out the window and yells at a man on the corner, “Hey you! Is this Sydney?”

“Are you alright? Of COURSE this is Sydney.”

“Phew! Finally! So where do you want this fuckin’ load?”

22

Twofers: I can’t decide which of my two favorite jokes I like the most, so here they both are:

Local hospital gets a new administrator, so the medical chief of staff takes him on a tour of the place. They’re walking down a corridor, the new admin looks in the room and sees a male patient watching a porn video and jacking off. He raises a fuss; “We can’t have that activity in a hospital!” The med chief calms him and says, “Actually, we’re in our holistic wing. That man has a severe prostate problem, and we’ve found that frequent ejaculations are quite effective in shrinking the prostate. Because there’s no medication or surgery involved, the HMOs are quite happy to pay for an overnight stay so he can get his condition under control. We’ll observe him and probably send him home in the morning.”
The admin figures that makes sense, and they continue the tour. Several minutes later they pass a room where a male patient is getting oral sex from a nurse. The admin stops short. “Now just wait a minute, THAT is not to be allowed in any hospital!” The medical chief pulls him aside. “it’s actually part of our holistic program.” The administrator is still shocked. “That?!” The medical chief nods. “Yes. You remember the fellow watching porn and masturbating?” The new admin nods. “Well,” the doctor says, “same condition, better HMO.”

American fellow is touring Ireland, stops in a pub in a small town for a pint. He sits next to a grizzled old local and introduces himself. The local responds that he’s Seamus. “Seamus … what?” the American says. Seamus snorts and points out a window. “Y’see 'at stone wall?” The tourist nods. “I built ‘at wall wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Wallbuilder? They do not!” He sips his Guiness, then continues. “Y’see 'at bridge over the creek?” The American looks, sees, nods. “I built ‘at bridge wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Bridgebuilder? They do not!” Another sip. “Y’see ‘at rrroad wot runs down to th’ bridge?” Again the American nods. “I built ‘at road wi’ these hands and m’ strong back, but do they call me Seamus Roadmaker? They do not!” He takes a long pull from the pint and sits quietly for a minute, then leans close to the American. “Ah, but y’ fuck one goat …!”

23

I met a woman whose fetish was men who drove Volvos. Not just any Volvo; it had to be painted aquamarine. Why? ‘There’s something about an aqua Volvo man.’

('70s commercial reference, for those who don’t get it. I have better jokes, but I’m being lazy right now.)

24

This remains my favourite ever joke. I hope your groan reflex is in working order.

It is 1895. The British Empire spans the globe, and Victoria reigns over all from London.

In the Austrailan outback our heroes, Charles Carruthers and Bernard Fortescue-Smythe, make plans for a daring journey. They intend to walk across the Nullaboor Plain. They have devised a cunning way to store enough water, and have the proper gear.

They set off.

Part of the way across, with the sun beating down from a cloudless sky, the worst happens. The water container bursts, and the entirety of their water supply soaks into the parched earth. They are almost exactly in the middle of the Plain (they think) and all directions are alike. They press onward.

By the end of the day they are feeling dizzy through lack of water. They rest briefly then press on, hoping to find some shade for the day.

When the sun rises they are in the middle of an utterly flat, featureless area. There is less shade than there is water - and there is none of the latter. The sun hammers at them, draining them of their reserves. Despite all their skills, they begin to wander, being so groggy in the heat.

The next morning sees them still walking, still looking for water or shade - anything. By midday they are reduced to crawling.

They can’t estimate how long has passed before Carruthers (who is in the lead) realises he has gone blind. He stops, and gropes around. No, not blind - he can see the glare of the Sun on the ground behind him, but something blocks it. He croaks “Shade…” Both he and Fortescue-Smythe pause briefly before resuming their crawl.

They don’t get far before Carruthers comes to a stop - there is something in his way. As he realises this and begins to lift his head, the obstacle disappears, to be replaced by a pair of feet - dark-skinned feet.

A voice cries out “Visitors!”

Carruthers and Fortescue-Smythe find themselves surrounded, lifted up and carried into the hut. They lift their heads to see a young Aborigine, who smiles at them and, in impeccable Queens English, welcomes them to Mercy and asks what they want to drink. Years of ingrained habit cut in, and they ask for tea. The man calls out a sharp command; “Tea for our guests!” Feet scurry to obey.

Being thoughtful, the natives provide the explorers with a glass of water each “to tide you over.” They learn that their host (who’s name was unpronounceable) went to school at Eton and Jesus College, Cambridge (where “everybody called me Sin.”) They reminisce about schooldays until finally the tea is served.

Sin pours. As he does so Fortescue-Smythe asks “What kind of tea is this, Sin old fellow? Chinese, Assan?”

Carruthers leans across before Sin can answer and saays “It does not matter old bean. Tea is tea, after all.” Fortescue-Smythe acquiesces weakly.

Milk and sugar having been added to taste, the explorers get their tea. Carruthers stirs briefly and is just about to take his first mouthful when Fortescue-Smythe cries out. “Here. This tea is lumpy! What is it made from?”

Sin answers, a touch reluctantly, “It is made from the pressed flesh of koala bears.”

“Koala bears? Koala bears? But… but… don’t you even get the lumps out?” Fortescue-Smythe gasps.

Sin looks a little surprised. “But of course not. Everyone in England knows that the koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”

25

Grooooooooooooooan!

26

Mr. Smythe and Mr. Pickeral, two elderly British gentlemen, are having a discussion over whiskeys whilst seated in their club.

Mr. Smyth: I think it’s spelled barrroom.

Mr. Pickeral: I disagree Smythe, I believe it’s barrooom.

Mr. Cheese (butting in): It’s simple, the word is bar room, a room with a bar. Right?

Mr. Smyth to Mr. Pickeral: Y’know, I don’t think that Mr. Cheese has ever heard an elephant fart.

27

Now we’ve all heard of gutsy efforts, and ballsy efforts, but do you know the medical difference between guts and balls? Guts is when you come home drunk and your wife is standing in the hallway with a broom, and you say to her “you finally doing some housework, or are you flying off somewhere?” and balls is when you come home drunk, lipstick on your collar and reeking of another woman’s perfume and you smack her on the butt and yell “you’re next fatty!” However, the medical differences don’t really matter because in both instances death is guaranteed.

28

What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall?

“Dam(n)!”

29

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ‘Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’”

30

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

31

Why was Jesus crucified?

So Catholics could do this (crosses self) instead of this

:eek:

SSG Schwartz

32

René Descartes walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. The bartender brings it to him and asks, “Would you like some peanuts with that?” Descartes answers, “I think not.” And then he disappears.

33

Love it.

34

Where did Napoleon put his armies?

waves arms

In his SLEEVIES!

35

A woman walks into a drugstore and up to the pharmacist, who says, “How can I help you, ma’am?”.

She says, “I’d like to buy some cyanide, please. I want to poison my husband.”

He says, “I can’t sell you that!”

She pulls out a picture and shows it to him. It’s a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. He looks at it, does a double take and says, "Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t know you had a prescription!’

36

A priest, a nun and a fish walk into a bar. The bartender asks the priest what he wants to drink. The priest replies, “I’m good, thanks.” He asks the nun if she wants anything. She says, “no, thank you.” Finally the bartender asks the fish and the fish replies, “I’d really like a glass of water.”

37

A shaggy dog story about Brits in a colony! You are a god!

38

Three tampons are walking down the street; a maxi super plus, a regular and slim petite.
Which one says hello to you first?

None of them. They are all stuck up bitches.

BTW, the above joke was told in my speech class by a sweet, innocent young lady and shocked the hell out of everybody!

39

Reminds me of a picture I found of a sweet, innocent-looking teenaged girl wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m a Delicate Fucking Flower”.

40

Even more shocking–when I first heard it, it was two maxi pads walking by two tampons. One maxi pad wonders why the tampons didn’t say hi, the other maxi pad replies, “They’re stuck up c*nts.”