Let's tell each other jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel like laughing. Let’s share some damn good ones. I’ll start.

A guy walks into a bar. He orders three pints of beer. Drinks them. Then orders three more. Drinks them. Then orders three more.

Waiter: “It’s none of my business, sir, but why do your order your beers three at a time? If you ordered them one by one, they would be much fresher.”
Customer: “It’s because I have two good friends. They live in faraway countries and I miss them. So when there are three pints on the table, it’s like I have a drink with them.”

Every week afterwards, the guy comes to the bar and orders beers three at a time. Then, a year later, he comes in and orders two beers. Drinks them. Then orders two more. Drinks them. Then orders two more. When he’s done, he goes to the counter to pay.

Waiter: “No sir, it’s on the house.”
Customer: “Why?”
Waiter: “Well, every time you came, you ordered beers three at a time. But tonight, it was two. I share your grief. I presume one of your friends has died.”
Customer: “Absolutely not. It’s just that I have stopped drinking.”

2

A woman is a big Elvis Presley fan. She loves him so much that she decides to have his image tattooed on her thigh. When the tattoo artist is finished, she looks at it and says, “Dude, that doesn’t look anything like Elvis!” Tattoo artist says, “I think it does, but I want you to be happy. I’ll do another one on your other thigh. No charge.”

After he finishes, she looks at it and says, “Dude, that one doesn’t look like Elvis either!” The tattoo artist says, “Bullshit! You’re just trying to get out of paying me.” After arguing back and forth for a while, they decide to take an independent opinion as the final word on the subject. They walk out onto the sidewalk just as a drunk is stumbling out of the bar next door.

The woman lifts up her skirt and says, “Mister, who does this look like?” The drunk stares for a second and says, "I don’t know who the twins are, but the guy in the middle is Willy Nelson.

3

Kalhoun, ewwww! laughs ewwwwwww!
Okay, my favorite joke ever:

This guy goes to a pet store and buys a pet caterpillar. He takes it home and arranges a little living area for it inside a matchbox. Then he sets the matchbox on the table and waits.

After some awkward silence, he says, ‘‘Hey! I’m going down to the bar tonight, to have a few beers. Do you wanna come with?’’

The caterpillar says nothing.

‘‘Hey!’’ he repeats. ‘‘Do you wanna go out drinking or don’t ya?’’

Again, nothing comes from the matchbox but silence.

‘‘Look!’’ cries the man. ‘‘I’m just trying to be friendly here. For the last time, do you or don’t you want to come to the bar with me?’’

And then he hears it: a tiny, irritated voice floating up from the matchbox: ‘‘I heard you the first time, hang on a sec! I’m still putting on my shoes!’’
:slight_smile: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

4

A guy sits down at the bar, and orders a beer.
After a while, he hears a little voice say “Nice Tie.”
He looks around, but doesn’t see anyone, so he goes back to his beer.
A few minutes later, he hears a quiet voice say “You look good, have you been working out?”
He turns to the bartender and says “I keep hearing little voices, saying nice things about me.”
The bartender says "Oh, that’s just our peanuts…

They’re complementary."
Ta Da!

5

My favorite jokes are kinda performance based. You’re going to have to use your imagination for this one:

So there’s a pod of humpback whales. Just cruisin’ the north Atlantic. They’re swimming along peacefully, doing whatever it is humpback whales do when they’re cruising in pod formation.

Then a stranger humpback comes rushing up to them. He looks really panicked: he’s freaking out, looking all around, shaking a little. Obviously something is wrong.

He goes up to the pod leader and says, “BWOOOOOOP!! Bwoooooop bwoop bwoooooooop! Bwooooooop, bwoop bwoooop bwoooooop!! Bwoopbwoop! Bwoop: bwoop BWOOP bwoop bwoooooop bwooooooop!!” (Note: I can do a pretty mean humpback impression in person. You’ll have to trust me on this one.)

So after the stranger’s short speech, the leader turns to the second-in-command and says, “What the fuck?”

6

Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother was very sick, and Red decided that it would be a nice thing if she took her ailing grandmother some treats to make her feel better. She packed up a basket with all she would need, put on her red riding hood, and announced to her mother where she was going. Her mother told her to have a good time and to give grandmother her love, but also gave Red a warning.

“There’s a big, bad wolf out in the forest, Red. Be careful, and don’t let him catch you - if he does, he’ll pull up your dress and play with your titties.”

Red thanked her mother for her sage advice, but promised that she wasn’t worried about the wolf. With a spring in her step, she set out for the forest path.

On the way out of town she passed by the baker’s shop. The baker was setting pies out in the window, and called out to Red as she passed.

“Good day, Little Red Riding Hood! Where are you off to?”

“I’m going to grandmother’s house to bring her treats. She’s very sick, you know.”

“That’s very kind of you, Red, but be careful out in the forest. There’s a big, bad wolf out there, and if he catches you, he’ll pull up your dress and play with your titties.”

“Thanks, but I’ve got everything under control.”

On Red went, down the forest path. The sun was shining, the breeze rustled in the trees, and birds were singing. A little way out of town, Red came upon a woodsman, chopping down a tree.

“Hello, Little Red Riding Hood! What are you up to this fine day?

“Hello, sir! I’m off to my grandmother’s house, taking her treats because she is sick.”

“What a good little girl you are! But, you’d better be careful out there. I’ve seen evidence that the big, bad wolf is around these parts, and if he catches you he’ll pull up your dress and play with your titties.”

“Thank you for your concern, sir, but I’m sure I’ll be quite all right.”

Further into the woods she wandered, and before long the trees blocked out the sun. The birds grew still, and a hush seemed to descend on the forest. A wolf sidled out from behind one of the trees and stood in Red’s path. He grinned a lascivious smile, his teeth glistening.

“Hello, Little Red Riding Hood. I’m the big, bad wolf.”

“So you are. I’ve heard about you.”

His grin grew a little wider. “Then you know I’m going to pull up your dress and play with your titties.”

Red grinned back, reached into the basket, pulled out a .44 Magnum and pointed it between the wolf’s eyes. “No,” she said, “you’re going to eat me like the story says.”

7

I was on a golf course the other day and the green was about two hundred yards away. I’m trying to figure out which club to use when I hear:

Ribbit 7 Iron

I look down and see a frog.

*Ribbit 7 Iron *, says the frog

Now, I’d never hit a 7 Iron 200 yards in my life, but I’d never met a talking frog before either, so I use the 7 Iron. Bam, right on the green.
I pick the frog up and take it to the next hole.
Par 3 and 120 yards away.

Ribbit 3 Wood

“What the hell”, I say to myself. Hit the ball as hard as I can with the 3 Wood, shank it, it caromes off a tree and right into the hole. Hole in One! I look down at the frog:

Ribbit Vegas

Well, who am I to argue. I pack up and head straight for the airport, fly to Las Vegas and go to the casinos.
I walk along until we pass the Roulette tables.

Ribbit

I look down at the frog.

Ribbit Red

Now we’re getting somewhere. I put all my money on red. It hits!

Ribbit Red

I do it again. Red hits again. I’m up 20,000 dollars at this point and look down at the frog expectantly.

Ribbit Hotel Room

Well, I know who’s calling the shots at this point. I check into a ritzy hotel room and put the frog down.

Ribbit Kiss me

Well shucks, it’s the least i can do. I lean down and kiss the frog. The frog turns into a beautiful, 16 year girl with beautiful brown hair and eyes and a body to die for naked as the day she was born…

And I swear Your Honor, that’s exactly how it happened!

8

How do you keep a werewolf from going crazy on Halloween night?

Shoot him in September.

9

A guy’s nickname for his girlfriend is Baby Blue. So for his birthday, she decides to get the word “Baby” tattooed on one of her butt cheeks, and “Blue” on the other. But when she gets to the tattoo parlor, she discovers that she can’t afford to pay for all those letters. So she decides to just get the letter B tattood on her cheeks. BB, for Baby Blue.

When she gets home, she decides to show off her new body art to her boyfriend. She pulls down her jeans and underwear, and bends over for him.

But instead of being pleased, the boyfriend is furious. “Who the hell is Bob?!?”

10

I’m going to tell a blonde joke. I’m blonde, so no harm meant.

Three blondes walk into a bar. The first blonde tells the bartender, “I’ll have an RW.”

The bartender frowns. “What’s an RW?”

The lady stares at him. “Duh! A red wine!”

The bartender sighs and pours a glass of merlot. The second blonde tosses her hair back and says “I’ll have a WW.”

The bartender says, “Okay, what’s a WW?”

The second blonde glares at him. “Duh! A white wine!”

Gritting his teeth, the bartender pours the wine and asks the third blonde, “And for you, miss?”

“Oh, I’ll have a 15.”

Taking a deep breath, the bartender grits, “And what’s a 15?”

“Duh! A 7&7!”

11

A lady goes in for her annual GYN exam. She’s in “the position” - naked, feet in stirrups. The doctor comes in and proceeds to go about the exam. He finishes and asks the lady to come into his office after she has dressed.

He discusses the tests done and tells her when she will receive the results. He then says “Do you mind if I ask you a rather personal question? I noticed you have a tattoo of a turkey high on the inside of one thigh, and a tattoo of a Christmas tree high on the inside of the other thigh. Is there any significance to this?”

The lady replies “Honey, ain’t you never heard that the best eatin’ is between Thanksgivin’ and Christmas?”

12

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’‘t take anything from you, I’‘m just glad I didn’'t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’‘ll give him the three things that I would want. I’'ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I’'m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’'s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?!”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’'s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

13

I’ll do another golf one.

A minister loves to play golf…in fact, he’s out on the links at least once or twice a week. One Sunday, after two weeks of straight thunderstorms, the day dawns bright and cool, slight breeze, perfect golf weather. Missing his golf game for two weeks, he decides to call in sick, have his assistant give the sermon, and go play a round of golf.

He drives two towns over so no one will recognize him, tees up, and hits the first ball. Beautiful drive…and plop, in the cup it goes. Hole in one.

Excited, the minister goes to the second hole. Again, beautiful drive, and plop, another hole in one.

Third hole…tee up, beautiful drive, and another hole in one!

In fact, the minister shoots an 18 that day.

Up in heaven, the angel Gabriel stares in disbelief. He turns to God in disgust. “My Lord, this is supposed to be your servant, ministering to your flock. He blows off church and his duties to play golf, and you reward him with the most perfect golf game ever played in the history of the world?”

“Ah, yes,” God replies, smiling. “But who is he going to tell?”

14

I just got this one in an e-mail:

*CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY *

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1.
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None.
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change
and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3.
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk
about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need
for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a
modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which
we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of
your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to share.

Nazarene : 6.
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
policy.

Lutherans: None.
Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish:
What’s a light bulb?

15

So I was sitting in a bar the other night, nursing my Cutty Sark on the rocks, when I ended up in conversation with an attractive woman who appeared to be in her fifties (maybe ten years older than me). Attractive? Hell, she was damn hot for a woman her age, and that wasn’t just the scotch talking!

Anyway, we chatted for a couple hours, and I was already thinking I’d like to get to know this lady a bit better, if you know what I mean, when she leaned close and whispered, “Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome with a mother and daughter?”

Well I was all up for that, so I went back to her place with her. We hurried up the walk and went in through the front door. She made me comfortable on the sofa, even bringing me another drink, before she said, “Don’t go away, I’ll be right back.”

I watched her walk halfway up the stairs, when she stopped and shouted toward the second floor, “Are you awake, Mother?”

16

ivylass, good one!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

17

Haaa! I knew it! I knew if I invested, and read that long joke, there would be a reward. Funny as hell!

18

My brother sent me this one a couple of days ago. I’d never heard it before and thought it was a good one, see what you think:

Hunting in Alaska

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small
brown bear and shot it.
Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to
see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin
and I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex.

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he
felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black
bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a
big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Again,
Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don’t
come here for the hunting, do you?

19

A guy needed a job really badly. He went to a mens clothing store, and asked the manager for a job. The manager said he didn’t have any jobs available, but the guy was really insistent and whiney and kept pestering him. Finally, the manager said “OK!, I’m going to lunch, and if you can sell that suit over there before I get back, you can have a job.” The suit was horrid - green plaid with orange pants and a polka-dot tie. The guy agreed to give it a try.
When the manager returned from lunch, the guy ran up to him yelling that he’d sold the suit! He looked terrible - like he’d been beaten up. The manger said “Boy, the customer must have put up quite a fight.”

The guy replied “No, but his seeing-eye dog was pissed!”

20

A duck walks into a bar, jumps up onto a barstool and orders a ham sandwich and a pot of beer. The barman is astonished. “But you’re a duck!” he says. The duck nods and compliments the barman on his powers of observation.

“What are you doing around these parts?” asks the barman.
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” replies the duck.

This goes on for 2 weeks, every day at 1.00pm the duck goes into the bar and orders a sandwich and a beer, then wanders back to work.

One day the circus comes to town, and the ringmaster visits the bar. “You know”, says the barman, “there’s this terrific duck that comes in every day for lunch, he can talk.”

“A talking duck?” says the ringmaster, “I could use him in my circus, get him to give me a call.”

The next day the duck comes in as usual and the barman tells the duck that he could get him a job with lots of money. The duck is interested, and ask where.

“With the circus.” says the barman
The duck looks amazed.

“The place with the balloons, and clowns?” asks the duck.
“Yes, that’s right” says the barman.
“The place with the animals and kids and acrobats?” asks the duck.
“Yes, that’s the one,” says the barman.
“The big tent with the pole in the middle?” asks the duck.
“Yes, yes, that’s right,” says the barman.

The ducks looks surprised and says

“What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”