Let's tell each other jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

And Hitler tied his shoes in little Nazis.
A fellow I know had his girlfriend Wendy’s name tatooed on his penis. Impulsive move, but she liked it. He was tatooed erect, (don’t ask me how) so, when not rampant, only the first and last letters were visible, WY. Not a huge problem, but years later they went on vacaction to Jamaica. In a restroom in a shanty bar, no dividers between the stalls, he inadvertently notices the local pissing next to him also has a ‘WY’ tatooed on his penis. This is unusual enough, the violates the bathroom code and asks ‘Is your girlfriend named Wendy, too?’ The fellow is puzzled a moment, then glances down, and makes the connection.

“Nah, Mon. They just keep the A/C frightful cold for you tourists. If we were on the beach, It’d say ‘Welcome to Jamaica, Friends, Have a wonderful day!’”

42

One of my all-time favorites – and I’d lost it on my computer. Thanks!

43

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

44

That’s fuckin’ hilarious!

45

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender takes one look and says “Hey! Why the long face?”

46

I understand the city of Pisa is planning to install a large clock in its famous tower. And really, it makes sense. After all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time??

47

Some good ones.

My current fav.

A guy is out after work having a drink with a buddy and tells him

"Man I can’t stay out late drinking like we did last time. I got so drunk I threw up on my new shirt and my wife and I argued about it for days.

His friend tells him. " Here’s how to handle that. Put a $20 in your pocket and if you throw up on it again tell her some other guy threw up on your shirt and gave you the $20 to pay for it."

“Genius”, his friend replies, “Let’s have another”

Hours later, in the wee hours of the morning he stumbles in the door only t find his wife waiting for him.

I can’t believe you’ve been out drinking again after that fight we just had. Look at you, you’re a mess and you threw up on another hew shirt.?

“I did not”. he protests. “the guy next to me threw up on my shirt and if you check my pocket you’ll find he left a twenty there to cover the shirt.”
The wife reaches in his pocket and instead of finding one twenty she finds two.

“There’s forty dollars in your pocket” she notes

" I know it" he slurs, “It turns out he also crapped in my pants”

48

Why is a man’s fantasy to have sex with two women at the same time?

'Cause afterwards he can sleep while the ladies talk together.

49

Well, it didn’t take too long …
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates
St Peter opens them and says ’ Oh it’s you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through’.
Pavarotti says ’ Hold on, I ‘ve got an envelope for you, from the Pope.’
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
‘HERE’S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU’

50

What’s green, fuzzy, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says “hey, is it hot in here, or is it just me?” The second muffin says “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”

51

Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and asks. “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

52

John Kerry walks into a bar.

The bartender takes one look and says “Hey! Get that horse out of here!”

53

By the way, Soul, do you know why a pool table is green?

Well, let’s say that if you had 6 holes, 2 sticks and 15 balls, you’d probably be green too. :eek:

54

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ‘‘Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.’’
The son then asks his father, ‘‘What’s the 6-pack for?’’

The father replies, ‘‘Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.’’

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ‘‘Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…’’

55

A woman slips into a coma and after several months all hope for her recovery was ruled out and she was allowed to pass. She went up to the Pearly Gates and met Saint Peter, who welcomed her

“You’ve lived a good life, and need only pass the entrance examination to get in.”

“What entrance examination?” she asked

“You must spell a word.”

“What word?”

“Love.”

“L-O-V-E”

“Good! Welcome to Heaven!”

A few months pass, and one day Saint Peter calls her over, asking her to watch the front desk for him while he goes to a meeting. While she’s doing this, who should come up but her husband.

“What are you doing here? You were still young!”

“Yes, but while you were in your coma, I started a thing with your nurse, and when you died we took the insurance money and went on a vacation to the Caribbean. I was jet-skiing there when I hit a coral reef and broke my neck.”

"Well, anyway, now we can be together again. But first you must pass the entrance exam.

“What entrance examination?” he asked

“You must spell a word.”

“What word?”

“Czechoslovakia.”

56

I have this friend, Steve, and he’s this devout Catholic. I mean super devout, we all know the type. And when the Pope came to the US for his first visit, it just so happened that the first stop was in Steve’s hometown.

Obviously, Steve was right there in the crowd when the Pope’s plane touched down at the airport. As the Pope moved through the all the cheering people, he noticed a homeless guy squatting outside the airport. The Pope raised his hand, motioning for his attendants to stop the procession. He approached the hobo, placed his hand on his shoulder, and whispered something in his ear. The tramp responded with an astonished look on his face.

The procession moved on, and Steve, who must have come down with Pope fever at this time, hatched a plan to get some personal interaction of his own. He ran up the the bum and gave him $50 for his tattered hat and jacket. Then, using his knowledge of the city and the Pope’s route, was able to take a couple of shortcuts and position himself ahead of the procession, where he waited for them to catch up.

Once again, upon seeing Steve disguised as a hobo, the Pope signaled for his attendants to stop, while he went on alone. The Pope put his hand on Steve’s shoulder, and leaned in to whisper in his ear, “I thought I told you to get the fuck outta here.”

57

Young Caruthers was enjoying a brandy at the posh exclusive English Explorer’s club when he took note of an elderly gent seated in a leather wingback chair by the fireplace.

It was his childhood hero the great English Explorer Lord Farnsworth.
Going over he humbly introduced himself and explained that Lord Farnsworth was the inspiration for his becoming an explorer.
“I wonder, Lord Farnsworth, if you would mind answering one question I’ve been longing to ask you since I was a boy?”
" Certainly, my dear fellow," his Lordship replied “What question is that?”
“Of all your travels and many adventures all around the world , what was your most frightening experience?” young Caruthers asked.

Lord Farnsworth thought for a bit and told this story.

“I was with a large group on safari in India. Myself and several others, along with our native pack bearers set out from camp one day on a hunt. Several days from camp we were attacked by a vicious local tribe and everyone was slain except for myself , who was severely wounded and left for dead.”

“Oh my” said Caruthers “That must have been terribly frightening”
“That’s not the worst of it” grumbled Farnsworth.

Injured as I was I was determined to try and make it back to camp. I bound my wounds as best I could and began the long dangerous journey back the way we had come. I was weak from loss of blood and had no food and very little water. Each limping step was agonizing and I wondered if I would have the strength to survive."

“Good Lord, that must have been terrifying”

“That’s not the worst of it” continued Farnsworth

“Days later, my strength nearly gone, I recognized some signs that meant I was close to the camp. Finally there was a glimmer of hope that I would in fact survive. Now I was crawling along the trail to weak to cry for help, praying I had the the stuff left in me to make it to camp. Suddenly a huge Bengal tiger stepped out into the trail. He must have been 12 feet long from his nose to the tip of his tail. A magnificent specimen. He saw me lying wounded and helpless in the trail and roared a great roar, RRROOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!! and I soiled my trousers.”

“Well Lord Farnsworth” began Caruthers, “That’s understandable. You were terrified and weak from loss of blood and your incredible trials”

“No! No!” said Farnsworth, "Not back then, Just now when I went RRRRROOOOOAAAARRRRRRR!!! "

:smiley:

58

Heard it before and it’s still great!! :smiley: