Let's write Harris' opening statement at the debate

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, they’re going to debate on Sept. 10 on ABC. Let’s save the campaign some trouble and write her opening statement. I came up with most of this one while taking a walk with my wife a few nights ago.

Before we get started, I have a few things to say about my opponent and what he’s going to say here in this debate. The problem with debating Donald Trump – or even just listening to him – is that most of the things he says are lies. The Washington Post counted up more than 30,000 lies he told during the four years of his presidency: that’s about 21 every day! And that’s just what he said in public.

So the moderators and I don’t have a chance of catching all the lies he’s going to spout tonight, much less correcting them. We’ll have to leave it to the online community to set the record straight.

So for the rest of the night I’m just going to ignore all of Donald’s lies, and focus on what Tim Walz and my administration are going to do to improve the lives of all Americans. I’m going to present a positive and optimistic view of the future of America.

Donald is not going to do that. He’s going to do his best to make you afraid. He’s going to say that immigrants coming to this country are criminals and terrorists. This is a lie, of course. Research shows that, on average, immigrants are more law abiding than citizens.

Donald and the Republicans also want you to believe that refugees are the same as economic immigrants. They’re not. Imagine living through a war or a natural disaster like an earthquake and losing everything, including family members. You have nothing but the clothes on your back, and are desperately searching for a place where you and your family will be safe. [Insert well-researched reference to what Jesus said about helping strangers in need.] That’s what a Christian would do. But that’s not what Donald wants to do. He wants to slam the door in the face of these suffering people.

Donald’s going to say that crime was up under the Biden administration. Another lie. It was high under his presidency and went down after Joe Biden took office.

He’s going to say that Joe Biden was the worst president in history. But he won’t say why. He can’t. Joe Biden is a great president, and one of the most selfless and patriotic people ever to hold any public office. And if you don’t believe me, ask Lindsay Graham, who once said, Joe “is as good a man as God ever created.” I don’t think Lindsay, or anyone else, has ever said that about Donald.

Like a schoolyard bully, Donald’s going to insult me and other patriotic Democrats and call us childish names, because he hasn’t got anything substantial to say against us.

Will Donald say anything positive tonight about his plans for the future? I doubt it. He might talk about cutting taxes, but you can be sure that will be for his ultra-rich buddies, not you and me.

What he won’t talk about is Project 2025, a nightmarish plan to take the United States back to the middle ages, with a total nation-wide ban on abortion under any circumstances, including rape, incest, and saving the life of the mother. [List a couple other of the worst proposals in Project 2025.]

Don’t believe him if he says he knows nothing about Project 2025. His running mate literally wrote the foreword to the book.

Finally, let me point out that on this stage there is only one convicted felon and one adjudicated rapist.

What do you think she should say?

2

Only somewhat in jest…

Don’t call it a comeback I been here for years
I’m Rockin’ my peers Puttin’ suckers in fear
Makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon
Listen to the bass go boom
Explosions, overpowerin’
Over the competition, I’m towerin’
Records shock When I drop
these lyrics That’ll make you call the cops
Don’t you dare stare
You betta move Don’t ever compare
me to the rest They’ll all get sliced and diced
Competition’s payin’ the price

I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out

3

I like this short sweet version:

Ladies and gentlemen: American democracy is on trial here today.

You can either vote for me, a prosecutor who’s put many criminals in jail many times. Or you can vote for the many times convicted career criminal and well-known traitor standing to my [left/right] who belongs in jail many times.

The rest is just details. But those are the bare incontrovertible facts of the case before you.

4

I like all of the above plus something like this:

'Our government is managed by an elected president and a 15 member cabinet. Each member of the cabinet must be confirmed, acknowledged as capable, by the Senate. For the three years and nine months past, I have been a member of that stable governing body. There were only two turnovers.

In contrast, Mr. Trump, you failed to assemble a stable government during your four year presidency. Of the 15 positions you filled there were 16 turnovers. You never formed a government.

So, before we hear your imagined goals and policies, I ask that you explain how, given a second chance, you will form a government. Or do you intend to proceed without one?’

5

I think you said it brilliantly. I wouldn’t change a word.

6

“We will win the election. I guarantee it. And you can put it in three-inch headlines.” (paraphrasing Jimmy Johnson)

7

She could mention that its nice be in quite, controled venue for a change, compared to all of huge and incredibly enthusiastic events she has had to attend recently. Biggest crowds ever.

8

“I would have worn a dress but I was afraid I might wear the same one as JD Vance”

“For the love of God, Donnie, if you need a diaper change just get it done. We’ll wait”