I’m confused. (I’m NOT accusing you of not being honest, just asking for clarification)
First you said
"Oh yeah, who was the one who put herself through college and pulled your scank ass out of the gutters? Your second daughter…the one you hate so much, and expect so much from. "
Then you said
" They alll sacrificed to put her through school so she could support the family. "
“It boggles the mind as to how she can love all her children, but one.”
Is she the only daughter? If so, her very gender could be the reason. 
A concept you should make them aware of: He who pays the bills makes the rules. Moms should know that despite her attitude, she’s living on your good graces.
And that could change.
mighty, you’re a prince. Nice to see someone so supportive of his wife, and her culture.
My Chinese mother-in-law gets a monthly allowance with no strings attached. Even though I think she tends to spend it on stuff that would make a crack whore look frugal. I can be real tough about all the other stuff though. Also, I definately have made it known that if other family members need money, we deal directly with those who need the money. I would highly suggest that you contrive a way to deal directly with everyone else and cut the mil out of the loop.
also, I’m sure you’re aware that in a lot of Asian cultures (I’m no Thai expert), it is expected that one is more laden than Santa Claus when making the pilgramage home.
I’m certainly not trying to defend your mil. She sounds like a right piece of work. That said, a lot of comments on this board are by people who haven’t been exposed to Asian family relationships and may not realize that you marry into a family. Nor do they probably understand how a little bit of financial support translates into a huge impact on their daily lives. I don’t have any words of wisdom except that you’re probably seeing the whole Thai Buddhist way in practice.
OpalCat: I sort of read it as her family managed the money to get her through school - probably making sacrifices along the way - but that her brains and determination carried her through the schooling process. So they made sacrifices - monetarily - to get her through school, but she worked her ass off to GET through school.
I could be wrong, but that’s what I got.
There can be a fine line between obligation and abuse (and extortion).
I suggest your wife gets counseling from someone who can help her realize that she is not a worthless piece of shit, that she is someone worthwhile and that what problems there are, are her mother’s problems stemming (I think) from the fact that mom resents her daughter for being someone of more value than she feels she is. The difference I can see between your wife and her sibs is that she is smart (smarter than her mom) and this must stick in mom’s craw. To assuage this feeling, mom has to make your wife feel lower than she (Mom) does.
Also, have you ever considered keeping track of how much money you send them and when you hit the $3,000 bride’s price, tell her, “OK, I’m finished paying for my wife.” That should cause Mom to blow a gasket from apoplexy!
Well said, China Guy.
I freely admit that I don’t understand the cultural thing behind this, and I think several others don’t as well. I do realize that it is more complicated than the pat “Just don’t do it” answers.
I think the bigger thing that’s behind my not being able to understand this whole thing is trying to comprehend how a mother could be such an utter shit to her own child — let alone one who has achieved much, and is now providing her own livelihood. Unfortunately, this transcends culture, as I’ve seen my (step) niece’s birth-mother treat her abominably as well — probably out of jealousy that my niece is going to make something of herself, which the bio-Mom was unable to do.
“probably out of jealousy that my niece is going to make something of herself, which the bio-Mom was unable to do.”
But what does that accomplish though? Nothing, that’s what. I think if people feel jealous of someone else’s achievements or abilities, they should try to do something THEY’RE good at or to better themselves somehow. I guess I don’t understand.
As for Asian culture, all I have are basic ideas of what it’s like. I’ve never really seen it up close and personal.
I say lay off Mighty about the bride price. If it’s based off $3000, it can’t be breaking the two of them to pay it and, though I have not experienced very much Asian culture, would pay it myself if in Mighty’s situation.
However, what status do you, Mighty, have in this culture? Since you are a breadwinner and your wife is your wife, do you have any ‘say’ in how your wife is treated by the MIL? Is it expected for you to stand up for her or is this ‘women’s business’ and taboo for you to interfere? Is your wife expected to now stand up for yourself since she married a breadwinner or is MIL=God??
More curious than trying to give advice and would like to hear answers about family power dynamics from someone knowledgeable.
Sorry for the delayed response.
OpalCat : Hamadryad hit it exactly right. Thats how I meant it. Should have been a little more clear, cause it does come across as a contradiction.
China Guy : Thanks, the feeling is mutual. The money part has everything to do with culture. I have no problems sending them money. From now on I will try to directly deal with the individual family member that needs help, instead of going through her mother.
That is so correct. That is exactly how it is. On this last trip, believe me we were laden like Santa. We are every trip. Most of our luggage is filled with goodies for her family that is 14 members large. Thank your for your post, it is refreshing to see someone that understands some of what I go through.
Jurhael and cleosia: First she is not the only daughter, she is the middle of three daughters. That confuses also. I believe cleosia is close to being right. There has to be some sort of jealusy(sp?) thing between her and her mother. About he counseling, I"m doing a pretty good job myself, so is my family. Her coming here has improved her self worth a great deal. And your suggestion at stop paying when I reach the $3000 level would be nice. The $3000 is kinda superficial. If I had given it to them in a wad of cash, I would still be sending them a monthly check. So I actually got lucky and didn’t have to do that. It is difficult for someone to understand, Chinaguy knows.
BlinkingDuck
Well actually I do hold some say in the family, but not a lot. I’m younger than my wife. That causes problems for me having a lot of authority. But yes I do help put food on the table, and yes I’m the only currently married into the family…that helps. The other problem is, I can’t speak Thai very well at all, I’m learning quickly. But it’ll be a long time before I could speak well enough to actually talk with her mother about something like this. No my wife can’t really say much of anything, cause to the daughters mil does = supreme authority. Plus my wife would like to lease her mother, so she tries often to make her happy. I’m usually not around when her mother tries to degrade her, otherwise I would have stepped in and got angry, whether it was culturally acceptable or not, nobody speaks to my wife that way.
Hang in there. Speaking more fluent Thai will probably help.
I wonder if Shibbeth-O (sp?) has seen this thread. I think his wife is Thai, and I vaguely remember a couple of other dopers married to Thai’s, so they may have some good input.