I invented asparagus.
I wrote a cookbook/spiritual help guide called “Way of the Asparagus.” I’m currently setting up a multilevel marketing scheme to sell it.
I was recently reincarnated as an asparagus. I got better.
I’m in a creative writing critique group with six stalks of asparagus and two stoats.
My grayish hair has a slight green tint to it because of the massive amount of asparagus I’ve been eating. Yum!
I’ve tasted burpo’s hair. Yuck.
I can taste sweet, sour, salt, bitter, umami, and the rare sixth flavor: plaid.
I failed a taste test in Junior High science class because when I answered “umami,” the teacher thought I was dissing his mother.
[ TIL: “umami” ]
I recently invented plaid-flavored elevators.
I can sing my way out of a paper bag.
I have been banned from participating in bar ‘Trivia Night’ games by the Tavern Leagues of eight counties across three different states.
-“BB”-
I make extra money by smuggling fiber capsules into Turkish prisons for the inmates.
Ghod, I hate beer!
I have been appointed to lead 5 RANGER - the newest, most top secret UK reconnaissance unit - which is tasked to perform the most dangerous and sexiest missions.
I wish Keira Knightley would just stop pestering me, demanding wild, kinky sex at all hours. We’re both married, for chrissakes!
Er, to other people, mind you…
It’s such a dratted nuisance being married to a double dozen women at the same time, not to mention the children!
I just achieved a Charles Atlas figure.
I was in Witness Protection briefly as a Sea Monkey in a tank of water.
I was the model for the Charles Atlas Figurine.
I was the model for the World Atlas. ○●○