I was an accordion for the CIA.
According to the CIA I have no sense of humour that they are aware of.
I am genuinely ashamed of what I’ve done for a Klondike bar.
-“BB”-
I’m proud of what I once did for an Australian pub.
My Australian pub is sailing through the Mesopotamian Ocean on its way to deliver bicycles to the penguins.
I have an Australian pub in my bathroom closet.
My bathroom closet is almost a quarter-mile long. What? I need all that space for my toothpaste collection.
I once burped so loud I shattered a car windshield.
I love going swimming with killer whales.
One time I was browsing in a furniture store, and a lady who was nearby caught the sales guy’s attention and told him she was interested in “that floor lamp over there,” pointing at me. They walked over and started looking me up and down and talking about me. I said, “I’m not a floor lamp,” but they didn’t pay any attention. He took her over to the cash register and rang me up for a hundred dollars, telling her he could have me delivered to her house on Tuesday morning. At that, I walked out and never heard any more about it. I don’t know if the lady got her money back.
I do know if she did. And I ain’t tellin’!
I was the Gerber baby, not Humphrey Bogart.
Wait – somebody thought that burpo was Humphrey Bogart?
Well I certainly did.
I thought Dennis Rodman was Humphrey Bogart.
I saw Dennis Rodman bogart a doobie.
I was in the Doobies for 26 whole minutes. Thanks, Michael McDonald! Thanks loads! Bastard!
I was in the concert when Pia Zadora fronted for the Doobie Brothers.
I lost my virginity while watching Pia Zadora in The Lonely Lady. They still won’t let me back into that movie theater.
I was in the audience when Pia Zadora was so terrible in The Diary of Anne Frank, and I know who shouted out “They’re in the attic!” when the Nazis showed up.