As in, she’s been dating the wrong guys. OF COURSE a man can love a woman.
*Very *seriously fucked up. “All men” is not a useful category, any more than “all women” is.
Also, there’s no such thing as a person who doesn’t care about you *unless *they’re sleeping with you. That person doesn’t care about you if they ARE sleeping with you, either.
If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you?
Of course. But I was surprised to find out how many women love it. That’s a significant increase over my initial estimate, which was zero.
I know how horrible and fucked up it is. Honestly I don’t WANT to think like this but I can’t seem to change it. I’m 30 years old and haven’t really been in many relationships. None lasting more than 6 months. I just don’t like sex, plain and simple. But I want to be in an emotional relationship and unfortunately, there’s not really many men out there who want a purely emotional relationship. My problem is I keep trying to ‘tough it out’ in a relationship where the man has a much higher sex drive than me and end up resenting them and not even wanting to be close to them. It didn’t help when my most recent ex and father of my daughter started intentionally making me feel guilty for declining sex.
Again, I realize the problem is me and my ideas about men. Ironically enough I don’t see my dad in this light. I’m trying to change how I think and basically this involves avoiding all relationships.
Sister? I’m definitely going to have to update that profile picture. Probably to the pic with the beard. 
I wouldn’t say ‘false’ as much as ‘insufficient’. The online relationship is real, but it’s in a very circumscribed area. A relationship in person is much, much larger and more complex.
That’s too bad. You’re going to have a hard time finding a compatible guy, then. (Although I’m sure it’s not impossible.)
And not to imply that there’s anything wrong with you, or the way you think, or that you need to be “fixed” in any way – but have you considered talking to a health care professional about this?
There aren’t many women who want that, either. Again, the problem isn’t “men”, but it isn’t you, either. Your needs in a relationship are different than most peoples’, in a way that’s really difficult to negotiate. It is going to make it harder for you than it is for most people to find someone compatible. But that’s not because men suck, it’s because you have special needs.
Another thing I’ve learned from dating: It’s far better to be happy alone than miserable together.
AngelSoft, there are all sorts of asexual support groups that you can find by googling, and my understanding is that they’re for people who are simply not interested in sex. That isn’t the same as having unresolved or problematic issues about that you aren’t happy about, but if it sounds like you it might be helpful to check some out.
I’ve learned that I can’t “fix” other people, and they can’t “fix” me.
Good call.
AngelSoft, once again, I’m not implying that there’s anything wrong with you. Not at all. But sometimes a lack of sexual interest might be a sign of a more serious medical issue. For your own good, you might want to rule that out.
I gave that same advice to a young man years ago on a different message board. He had absolutely no interest in sex. He just didn’t see the point. Years later, I logged back onto that board, and apparently he had resolved the issue. As it turns out, he had no interest in having sex with women. Once he got his gender issues sorted out, he turned into quite the boy slut.
Maybe that’s what was wrong with my ex-husband! :smack:
Maybe. Did you ever catch him wearing your clothes?
Thanks for the advice guys. I might look into both aspects, the medical and the groups online. Just always how I’ve been so I never thought anything was wrong with it. Like I said, I’m aware that my way of thinking is skewed and I’m trying to make the effort to change it.
Actually, he wore my clothes a lot - my oversized Celtics & Red Sox t-shirts and sweats - which somehow fit him to a “T” and never quite made it back to my closet once he found them.
I learned to trust my instincts. If I don’t trust or believe someone there is usually a good reason why, even if I can’t quite put my finger on it at that moment.
I also learned that, while opposites attract, you also need to have at least a few things in common or it probably won’t work out.
If my dogs don’t like you, there’s probably a very good reason for it.
I heard this best put this way: “Opposites attract, so long as they’re both magnets.”
Hoo boy. I’m reading through this thread and thinking about the tentative relationship I’ve started.
- Internet-based. I’ve been trying to set up a visit next month, but she’s trying to put it off for summer. Social anxiety issues. She’s planning on getting a headset soon so we can at least have voice contact. We’ve known each other online for a couple years now, but I know as well as anyone that means jack-all. She’s very open and honest about her RL flaws, but that just makes me wonder what doesn’t get said.
- The crazy. See above. I won’t go too far into details, but suffice to say she’s been clinically diagnosed.
- Talks about her ex. Not often, but not seldom either. In fairness, he screwed her over and she’s still somewhat recovering.
I’ve gotten into a few short-term online relationships, and not a one has worked out, even when we meet RL. You’d think I’d learn. :smack: I have my reasons for thinking this one can work, but man.
Getting off myself…
The bit about picking a restaurant is spot-on. It’s an applicable lesson to life in general, too. Nothing can happen if both parties try to absolve themselves of responsibility, so if they don’t step forward, you have to. Otherwise you’re just spinning your wheels and nothing gets done.
Like seeks like is more true than opposites attract, definitely.
I hope you don’t mind my saying that the prognosis for that doesn’t look great. How far do you live from her?
I’ve heard (and can’t confirm) that the opposites that attract are on the continuums (continua?) of ideas and self-esteem. Someone who is booksmart will attract someone who is streetsmart and vice-versa. Someone who is full of emotional well-being (but introverted) will attract someone who is confident and outgoing and vice-versa.
That seems to be true in my current relationship, at least.
About a 6-hour trip by car. It actually wouldn’t be a big deal to make a weekend trip out of it, except that money’s very tight right now. Plus there’s roommates (platonic relationships) on both ends, which makes it even trickier.
And no, I don’t mind. I’m fully aware how tenuous it is, and I think she does too. We’re not slavering over each other with the whole “OMG you’re totally my soulmate I neeeed you” crap, and just taking things nice and easy until we can move forward. We’ve both been burnt in the past and I like to think we have some idea of what we’re getting into. On the surface, though, it definitely looks like a bad start to a relationship.