Deepest condolences.
Kiwi, I’m so very, very sorry.
Kiwi, we’re all very sorry for your loss.
I hope that we’re able to help in some small way.
Eli
Thank you so much for all for your kind messages and I’m sorry it has taken so long to get back but yesterday was the funeral and we had people here til latish and then I just wanted to flop. Today my son and I just had to spend some together time.
But the Dope never disappoints, I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face at your kind messages. I knew when my son had gone to bed there would be a nice message here…that’s why I used his credit card number. Selfish? yes! But I needed somewhere to say how hard it is.
There were 200 plus people at the memorial service and I am kicking myself that I just couldn’t be together enough to speak. There was no coffin because his body was at the university (and many people won’t know why!) and I’m so cross I didn’t talk about how he wanted to help others after he died, I really just couldn’t get up.
I love my Daddy so very much and I miss him so very much!
There was everyone from his family life and his work life there but I have to relate two most signicant moments, at his memorial.
Dad had (now I won’t spell this right) Emphysemia (his mother died of it 5 years ago) for 3 years he had been on a drug trial at Auckland hospital but conducted by Auckland University. He entered the trial through an ad in the paper. It became a very important part of his life. He went to the hospital once every three months (on his day off) and spent at least 4 hours there. All voluntary, always cheerfully.
The trial ended about 6 mths ago but he had really formed a relationship with the people who treated/tested him (turned out he was on the placebo). There was the Professor in charge of the trial and two ladies who shared an office, one who was his go-to-in-charge-of-this patient researcher and one who was her fellow that title I just invented. He talked about them all the time, all 3 but ESPECIALLY his person who was an American lady (I think he secretly had a crush on her). The day after he died I thought of them because he talked about them so much.
I thought when I find all his papers I must let her know. Then unexpectedly when I went through his wallet I found her card. I rang the uni, her fellow “that title I invented answered”. I caught the choke in her voice when I talked to her and she promised to pass the message on to “his American lady”.
At the service yesterday his favourite American lady came and hugged me and shook my hand and thanked me for all dad had done. She gave me a card adressed to me and my family with the lovliest message. Dad would be sooooooooooo touched that she came. From her side it was a fairly academic relationship but she was so wonderful yesterday!
The second moment I nearly begged for. My boy is the only grandchild, no cousins, no siblings, no kids anywhere. He has had a VERY hard week. He has had to see his mum and grandma crying lots, he has had meet family he can barely remember and yesterday he had to hear “the last time I saw you…”, “How did you get so tall”, and most upsetting for him “you are all your grandfather ever talked about”.
On Wednesday I thought I might ring his best friends parents and BEG for them to let their son come so Callum had a familar face there. I decided that to ask someone else’s child to come to a funeral was too much.
During that milling around outside I spot the best friend’s dad. I was blown away at his kindness. I went and gave him a hug and he said the best friend and mother were going to arrive shortly. His best friend and his mum arrived (best friend in school uniform). They took my son from the service becuse he needed some down time (I got him about an hour later). Awesome people!
Good to hear that you’ve had such great support during this time, calm kiwi. All the very best for the coming days to both you and your son.
Oh thank you Ice. He really was a lovely man.
He must have been. He certainly had a cool daughter – you. 
Thanks for coming back to the SDMB.
Thank you so much, I have really missed it and I just needed to share about my Dad (He was such an honest chap I hope he wouldn’t mind me knicking his credit card number). We should have another coffee one day.
Aw, Kiwi, honey - I haven’t seen you on the boards for so long, and then to come back with this. I always get stuck for words here, but I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you came back to tell us. I’m in town, so drop me an e-mail {it’s in the profile} if you need anything.*
*{Dunno if you know my changed user-name: I used to be Case Sensitive}
That’s a definite yes as far as that coffee’s concerned. Anytime you’re free. I seem to be headed in that general direction more and more, these days.
Calm kiwi, sorry to hear about your dad. I lost mine in 2003 the same way. He had a stroke while at work. He was 70 and wouldn’t retire. He seemed in good health right until that day. He had had colon cancer about 15 years previously but it was caught early. He had had a checkup about six months before he died and his doctor had told him he was healthy enough to stick around at least 10 more years. The worst thing was I was in the hospital recovering from surgey. My brother and his wife flew in from Pennsylvania, stayed at his bedside. We kept him on life support for seven days, per his written wishes, then had him taken off. He passed away peacefully a short while after. My brother and his wife were very helpful, made all the necessary arrangements, even got our dogs put in a kennel until I could get home and carry on. I’m still sorry to this day I couldn’t be with him at the end. It is always a shock and made even worse when you don’t get to say goodbye.
You are NOT wrong! It was a shock because it was his bloody 65th birthday, but I sat alone with him from 3am till 8am. I said goodbye all night but when my mother and son arrived in the morning I left the room because i was just drained…he chose that moment to die.
Double guilt i wasn’t there for my son or my father…FUCK I just can’t get past that! Though I was alone with him all night. I hope he knows that.
Thank you for sharing that.
Know that you and your son are in our prayers, and that we are right here should you need us in the difficult times ahead.
Sometimes there are no perfect words only thoughtful silences that speak gently of caring.
Here you shall always find the ear of we who will not tire of hearing of your Dad or your journey through this difficult time. We are right here, 24/7, should you need to vent, to be heard, just want someone to talk to. Please don’t hesitate, we beg you. We may be far from you, geographically, and somewhat annoyed we are not right next door so we could do more, but we are right here should you ever need us.
This community brims with compassion and loving kindness, good healing vibes and prayers shall wash over you and yours from all corners of the globe in the days ahead.
You are a much admired and respected poster in these parts, and, in case it’s not clear, dearly loved.
I wish you peace, my friend.
I can’t say how much your words mean to me.
From the deepest part of my heart I thank you.
Just saw this thread.
I’m very sorry for your loss, calm kiwi. It must have been a real shock. Take care of yourself.