Long Married Dopers! Lend me your ear! (Or other long-termers)

In My Humble Opinion
21

There’s a lot of good advice in this thread. I picked two quotes that particularly resonated with me. I’ve only been married for four years, together for seven and a half, so the question isn’t really addressed to me. In spite of that, I’ll offer some thoughts.

I think the only way to break out of cycles is to change your personal reaction. It’s the only thing you control. I think vulnerability is key, and offering your emotional vulnerability is an act of trust that builds intimacy. Instead of screaming, say, “When this happens (or ‘you do this’) it hurts me (in whatever way). I know you don’t want to hurt me. I love you.” Statement of feelings, act of trust, reminder of the importance of the relationship.

That sounds lame, but it’s one of the ways that Mr. Lissar and I handle differences and irritations. We practice saying, “I love you” during disagreements. It reminds us that even when we’re fighting, we’re fighting the person we love best in the world.

This also sounds terribly glurge-y, but deliberately, not manipulatively, doing nice, thoughtful things for each other jump-starts the ‘getting needs met’ process. You know that, say, taking out the garbage, buying flowers, cleaning the kitchen, will make your spouse happy. Even though they may not have recently done anything to merit you being nice, you still do it. That eases the interpersonal tension, and may help with breaking the cycle. That easing of tension makes communication easier.
I really like the stuffed animal conversation technique, too.

22

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, and have gone through some very rough spots. We are very different people in many ways.

I have come to understand our marriage for what it IS…not what marriage is to other people. Like our polyamorous dopers, our religious dopers, our DINKs, our gay couples, our lay-down-on-the-railroad-tracks-and-die-for-your-partner dopers, each of us is different. We marry for different reasons, enjoy our spouses for different reasons, and get different things from different people.

I get the missing pieces from other people. I need a culture fix that my husband simply can’t provide, so I get that with friends. Is it a sacrifice? Certainly. But there are trade-offs in everything. Sex with other people is not an option in our relationship, but there’s no reason it can’t be for other couples. Most things can be worked out, as long as you’re honest with yourself and your spouse on what you expect from marriage. It’s personal and there are no limits. Whatever works. Good luck.

23

She smiled and said, “Yes, I know.”

24

Separate computers (very important).

Separate top sheets and blankets (almost even more important).

Sharing interests like movies (and sitting near the front of the theater).

Sharing quirks like reading while we eat.

Willingly giving up quirks that bug the other (like me hanging towels on doorknobs).

Staying affectionate no matter how many weird looks we get from people on the “L”.

Each of us knowing that we’re absolute soul mates and would never find anyone as good for us as the other.

The fact that he’s crazy as a loon and loves me for reasons I can’t begin to fathom.

24 years and counting.

25

I am so glad to know Mr. SCL and I aren’t the only ones who do that!

As so many of the other Dopers have posted - being friends is majorly important. It is essential. I think just about anything can be overcome if you are friends with your spouse/SO.

26

Do people really share these? I can’t even begin to imagine what a pain in the ass that might be. My wife and I have been together for seven, so I can’t really give you any advice, but it sounds like there are some major issues going on with you guys right now. I think that you and your SO should try to talk things out.

My dad once gave me some good advice on staying married. (My folks have been married for 36 years.)

He said that before you start arguing with your spouse on something, make sure it is something worth arguing over. He also added the exception of “unless you really feel like it” for those days when there is nothing to do and an argument will make the time pass by faster.

27

The traditional Xmas dinner is canceled this year because my aunt and uncle, who have been married for 36 years, are splitting up. :frowning: That kind of thing scares me, because after 36 years, if you can still decide that wasn’t the right person after all, how can anyone ever be sure of anything?

28

No dispute (short of, say, suicide threats or infidelity) is worth winning at any cost. It’s that simple. When the disagreement gets heated, just say “to Hell with it” and let it go. Amazingly, not getting your way is an amazingly inconsequential thing, when you try it on for size, and you find you often get what you really want or need anyway, when you’re both in a better mood. You just ask yourself, how important is this thing that’s pissing me off, really? How much better is my life truly going to be if I get what I want through major strife? Can’t I just live with not “winning” this one? I guarantee the answer is “yes” about 99.99% of the time.

29

Married 42 years, together 46. These are what I would say have been helpful in keeping my wife and I together…but I think they would apply to a female reflecting on her fellow. They are mostly illustrative of treating her as I want to be treated and respected. I don’t want to come off as preachy…but these have worked for me.

A list would include the following. Some of them are specifics that demonstrate principles.

Remembering the things that brought us together, and knowing that I still value those traits

Doing unexpected things. Prepare a meal, or bring home a huge chocolate surprise cookie, or mop the floor, or plan a special surprise trip, or say something completely unexpected, or dancing with her in the rain in a parking lot…

Tolerance. Accept the fact that she will have a project taking up 1/2 the garage for 3 years, and expect that she will let you be an obsessive watch collector.

Encourage her to follow interests and paths in life that may not be your own choice.

Listen to what is being said, and think about what is happening inside of the other person if it is a personal

Remember that it is better to go to a bad cafe or movie with her than without.

Pick up dirty clothes, and put them in the hamper. Sort and put away the clean clothes from the top of the bed.

Be honest, but in a kind way.

Scramble like heck to fill in the spaces that she leaves, and appreciate that she fills in your missing spaces too.

Never threaten or project possibilities such as divorce. Even if you have to pretend for the moment that you want to leave.

Don’t call names (except endearing ones like “My little turnip”)

Have an appropriately separate life where appropriate. (I watch football on Sundays, she goes to garage sales, and that’s OK)

Love her even when its hard to do…I learned this as a parent.

Give seduction a try! Think I’ll stop now.

30

I hear you. My parents split after 27 years.

I think that the longer you’re married, the more “real” you have to be. People can sustain roles and illusions for a while, sometimes a long time, but eventually you have to face who you are. I wish my parents had fought it out; their divorce had less to do with each other than with their own need for personal growth.

31

I don’t think you should be too scared by this - my parents split up after about 36 years, too, but it was because my mom finally had enough being treated like crap. Sometimes a marriage is dead for a long time, but it just hasn’t fallen down yet.

32

Which is what I don’t like about Dr. Phil’s advice.

Marriage is a give and take. Successful marriages are ones that you realize that the person you are married to sometimes will need to be the taker, and sometimes you’ll need to be the taker. And that you reach some sort of equalibrium - while at the same time keeping up those safety nets in case you both are needy at the same time - friends, relatives, hobbies, a good relationship with a therapist.

If you start fixing your marriage by giving the other person what they need - that’s only going to work if there is something reciprocal in the other person. Some people are takers. They are black holes of need. They are convinced your role in the marriage is to make them happy and if they are unhappy it is your fault. No amount of giving that person what they need is ever going to make them happy, it will drain you dry.

There are other things involved - being friends, growing together, keeping things in common, mutual respect, not letting the little stuff overwhelm you, and trying to keep the big stuff from happening in the first place (I’ve seen people break up over big deal financial stuff - but they didn’t NEED to get into that situation, they SPENT themselves there.)

33

Keep 'em coming folks. There is some good stuff here.

Through the BS we are dealing with now, we just keep talking. I’m down the trim on one door and a dining room chair, but we are still here. We still love each other. We still hurt and thankfully, we have been able to let some of the pain go long enough to remind each other that somewhere, we are still in love.

I’ve been making a point every day to think one thing I love about him. Whether I say it to him, my blog or my daughter or even to myself, it’s helping. Sometimes when you get so mad and sad and lost, there seems to be no way out.

Todays thing? He makes great mashed potatoes.

34

I think that is a great idea. Too often we focus on the negatives, slowly eroding respect. Focusing on the positive helps build respect.

We’ve been married for 21 years, and known each other for 24. I know I don’t have “the secret” to how to have a long and happy marriage. We started off as best friends in lust with each other, which probably helped. But you change with time. On the bad side, she has gone from carefully watching her nonexistent money, to unknowingly spending thousands on little things; from conservative lover to downright prudish, easy going to something of a control freak. I’ve gone from a quiet, almost coach potato, intellectual,to a fairly outgoing athlete who doesn’t have time to read; from easy going to stay at the office all day long.

Neither of us (as far as I know) is adulterous, abusive, or addicted, which helps. Still we’ve had plenty bad years mixed in with the good. We have few common interests, and fight over two of the big three - sex, money and kids. Right now, the kids really help. Both of us really enjoy being with the kids. In fact, neither of us could live without the kids, so leaving isn’t an option. They provide a common interest that consumes almost all of our time. What will happen when the kids leave? I don’t know

It seems to me that throughout a relationship you need common interests, respect for each other, and an ability to not resent what the other doesn’t want or can’t change. You need to agree on what constitutes acceptable amounts attention, who should do which chores, and what is loving behavior. Lust is good too.

35

Married 20 years.
Once the intense active laothing tips towards apathy it becomes a piece of cake!
Added to that, as you both pile on the years so encounter so many out-and-out assholes that you start to look pretty good to each other by comparison.
Oh yeah - having a comfortable income, and having your kids get older becoming decent people - and moving out of the house, can do wonders for the stress level.

36

I’ve wondered about that, too. If I give to my marriage, and I get more back in return, that’s great. If I keep giving and getting nothing back in return, well, that’s not going to fly forever.

37

Yeah. I think it only works if you’re both trying, and love each other. If your spouse is turning into an uncaring soul-sucker, then it won’t work. In fact, nothing will work, probably. The foundation has to be that you’re both interested in making the marriage work.