Obviously, I’m not the OP. But, trying to infer from his posts in this thread, the impression I get is that he’s both excited by (and nervous about) the idea of traveling on his own (for vacation, or otherwise). I also get the sense that, when he’s traveled with his wife, while he’s been a participant in decisions on what to do and where to go, she may have been the one who’s taken the lead on those.
A few posts ago, steronz asked if the OP is on the austism spectrum, and I had wondered about that, too. Or, maybe he just suffers from social anxiety, or is extremely shy or introverted, or has rarely been in a position in which he’s had to make decisions (like, “what to do when I’m on vacation”) purely on his own.
If that’s all accurate, then maybe the reason for the insistence on that particular Mexican resort is that he’s been to that particular resort several times in the past, and had a good time there. Thus, it’s a known quantity – there’s no worry about “how will I find what to do? Will I like it?” He feels like he’s missing out on something in life (though he can’t quite define what that is) by always doing things with his spouse, but he’s also nervous that trying something might turn out to be uncomfortable or disorienting.
I totally understand the desire to get away and be on your own for a few days, but one doesn’t need a trip to Mexico to accomplish that. The OP says they travel a lot, so what’s wrong with going away for a few days to one of those other places? Or go to one of the places your wife has been on business so you won’t be exploring without her. What about a few nights camping by yourself up in WI? Or plan a trip to that place in Mexico with your wife, but arrange it so you go out a few days early for some time alone.
It seems like the OP wants to go to a place he’s familiar with, by himself, to really not have to think much about anything. Being alone, he’s not responsible for anyone other than himself, and by being at a resort he knows, he doesn’t have to think much about what is offered and what he can do there.
So what I think I hear the OP saying is that he’s been to this resort with his wife, and there is something about the resort that he feels he would have had a better experience if his wife hadn’t been there.
I can totally relate. To both sides.
From her perspective, they went there, and there was something about her that degraded the experience for him so he dosen’t want to take her, and she feels hurt. Or she enjoyed the experience and wants to have it again. Both reasonable (and it could be both things.)
I am absolutely for couples having separate vacations if they want. I know that if my spouse and I go on vacations there are certain things I want to do that he might not necessarily enjoy, but he will do them. And vice versa. Like, I enjoy beaches, and what I want to do on a beach is just veg out, bask, go in the water occasionally, swim out past the breakers and bodysurf in once or twice. What he wants to do is examine the tidal pools and any rocks that might be around. Also I am a person who needs qute a bit of solitude in order to feel like myself.
Back to the OP, I think if he coud identify wht it is about going alone versus with his wife (like, maybe she micromanages their time and always wants to be doing activities and he just wants to hang out and drink by the pool, just as an example), maybe they could work this out so they both have a good time. It sounds like she will feel left out, and possibly suspicious, if he goes alone. I don’t think anybody is a bad person for wanting to have some alone time and they’ve been married for 27 years so surely they know about neogitiation and compromise in a relationship
I also said it’s probably true of resorts. I was basically contrasting cruises/resorts with the other type of vacation I’m familiar with, where an ordinary hotel is the base and we have one car to get around in. Which involve a lot of compromise/negotiation - if he wants to go play golf and I want to go to a museum, it’s unlikely that the golf course will be close to the museum. Chances are excellent that one of us will decide it’s not worth the hassle of figuring the logistics out and we will both end up at the same place. Which is fine sometimes, but a week of only one of us enjoying ourself at a time is a bit too long.
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IMHO taking separate vacations should be normal and accepted, and as someone previously stated, as long as each party has equal access and resources to pursue whatever it is they want to do, alone, then there should be no issues.
I think a lot of the anxiety about this sort of thing for couples who have not done much of it comes down to a couple of things: communication, and trust.
I recently approached my spouse of nearly 25 years with the prospect of me taking a somewhat spendy vacation on my own, to a foreign country, to pursue something I have wanted to do for a long time (Machu Picchu). This is NOT something she would ever want to do, and I am not going to do it alone (signed on with a group), but will take a decent chunk of money (paid for by my bonus), and a number of days away from home. We have a kid in college and another will be a HS senior, so it’s not like I am leaving her in the lurch with the kids (one of the reasons I could not justify a trip like this when they were young). I have done a number of things without her over the years (bicycle tours, hiking trips) but there is always trips taken together as well.
There isn’t any trust issue between us, but I gaffed on the communication front. I had not told her all along I had these desires to see a bunch of things around the world (some in far-flung and remote places she would have no interest in going to). So, when I said I wanted to go to Peru, the conversation was tense, because she was surprised. My bad. If I were to have a chance to do this again, I would have discussed my travel desires more often so as to take away the surprise - no one wants to be surprised with something like that.
IMHO the spouse of the OP is not supportive of this trip because it is to a place where they have vacationed together. It does not matter why the OP wants to go there; from her perspective, this is “their” place, and going there solo seems weird to her. Also, she was surprised.
What about splitting the difference? Head to a resort (in the US) together, explore together, do whatever you’d normally do as a couple, and then she comes home early while you spend another few days on vacation.
It satisfies her anxiety about travelling internationally solo. It’ll be a place that you’re now familiar with (having spent time with your wife there). You’ll get some time for yourself on your own.
I agree. When I first started reading this thread, I also thought something was up. But now, reading more of diggerwam’s posts, I think he’s consciously and unconsciously being truthful.
diggerwam, your feelings are certainly valid, but so are your wife’s concerning your safety. It seems to me you’ll have to talk this out with her for quite a while.
Thinking of my SiL who is in that situation, she did find having to travel alone to a town barely 200km away an enormous challenge. In her 30s at the time, she had never lived on her own; she’d stayed in her parents’ house through college (1), hadn’t so much as thought about furniture until she was being furnished for their first home (2), had never bought a ticket for a train or an intercity bus, or booked a hotel (3)… My brother told her she had to do it herself; he was willing to point out the appropriate steps but she needed to learn how to do it.
I think you need to look at other ways to broaden your horizons though. Instead of thinking about places in the US, search for places in the US. There’s going to be lots of places you’d never think of. Have you considered Corpus Christi? New Orleans? Louisville for the races? Start challenging yourself and doing your own thing now, rather than marking “time at a resort I already know” as “the defining moment of the rest of my life”.
1: in a room that she never even got to choose the decoration for - the bed bought when she was 12 didn’t get changed until my brother said “that thing’s a short twin! Change it or next time we’re staying in a hotel, what we save on physical therapy will make up for the additional cost.”
2: being furnished because she didn’t so much choose the furniture as have it shoved down her throat by her uncle the furniture salesman. The kind of things he sold her fit her about as much as a horse blanket fits a chihuahua, but at the time she had no idea what her taste in furniture was.
3: her only stays in hotels had been vacations with my brother, including their honeymoon. With her parents, they’d always gone to the same rented apartment in the same place.
I have no difficulties understanding it. The OP mentions that he basically never did anything alone during his whole life. Even staying alone in a resort would be a novelty and I’m not sure why it shouldn’t be at a place he knows already and would enjoy. There’s no rule saying that resorts are for couples only or that solo vacations must be exploration trips. If you can see the point of solo vacations, then it applies equally to laying on a beach or to discover an exotic location. In fact, I would say even more so, because he would better experience “being alone” if he isn’t busy exploring stuff or being involved in some activity. A previous poster mentioned “being lost in your thoughts on the sofa without anybody disturbing you” and it seems to me it’s a perfect comparison. A week of being lost in your thoughts on the sofa except in a nice environment. On top of it, the OP doesn’t seem adventurous at all, so exploring alone a new place might seem too challenging to him. Finally, I personally particularly enjoy out of season sea resorts for solo vacationing, so I’m biased.
The problem is that some people really don’t understand the desire to do anything alone or to be alone, and will question it, or feel threatened or rejected : “why would you want to go there alone when we could go together? Does that mean that I’m some sort of burden?” . Given that the OP and his wife have been doing everything together for 20-30 years, it’s a safe bet to assume that she belongs to this category of people who don’t feel the need or understand the point of being alone. And the fact that he never manifested before such a desire can’t help. It’s sometimes already complicated to make some partners accept that you need to stay alone when they’ve always known you this way, so when you’ve never manifested such a desire during your whole life…
Basically, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience solo vacations, even in the comfort of a familiar beach resort. But it’s going to be difficult to make his spouse become accepting of this novel concept. Still, in my opinion, the OP isn’t wrong for expressing such a desire, if anything it’s rather having an issue with it which is a controlling behavior. You and some others express the idea that his spouse could be afraid he would cheat or want to cheat, but shouldn’t people have some trust in their partners after decades of common life? And anyway I’m of the belief that it doesn’t makes sense in general to try to keep your partner on a leash so that he won’t cheat. If you believe that the only thing preventing him from doing so is that you deny him the opportunity, maybe you should reconsider your expectations.
At the contrary, plenty of people value highly the comfort of being in a familiar place. Think of all the families who always go to the same place, year after year. And the OP seems to view simply being in vacations alone as a challenge, so it’s not surprising that he’d rather stay in such a familiar place for such an adventurous endeavor.
