After a weekend of arguing and generally pissing each other off over everything, I crashed into bed on Sunday night, my husband crawled in next to me. We hadn’t made up with each other and we were still in bad moods when my husband says to me " No matter how bad you piss me off, I still want you. "
One of the many things we argued about that weekend and almost constantly, is that he’s not a very romantic or affectionate guy. So, to me, that statment translates to " I’m horney. " To him it’s a declaration of love.
In general do men express their love through sex ? And is it just mostly women who want more romance ?
I dont think men express their love through sex. I think men just aren’t as open about intimacy as women tend to be. As far as woman wanting more romance, I think there are many of us fellas who wish the same thing. Fortunately people are far too unique to paint them with a big brush, and thats the fun in meeting new people. Hope you had fun ‘making up’
I don’t know if this is necessarily a different interpretation, but… the way I would restate this problem is that for me, foreplay is a much longer process. It’s feeling romantic because he’s being kind to me, and making me feel good, and because we are connecting emotionally. I cannot go from being peeved to being sexual very easily, because my body isn’t relaxed and I’m not feeling loved, wanted, and secure.
I don’t think that the guys I’ve dated have this same tight linkage between inner emotions and arousal. I mean, yes, there is a connection, but it’s not as necessary as it is for me.
I guess I’m an oddity. I can get in an argument with hubby, have sex with him and still be mad at him until we talk about it. My sex drive is not related to my emotional state at all.
As for romance? Feh! I’d take passion over romance any day.
While I understand what you’re saying dragongirl, I can’t say I don’t know where your husband is coming from. There’s nothing like a fight to get me riled up. Sex after conflict is reassuring for me, especially when it’s raw and rough and unapologetic. In the midst of anger and hurt, I can feel myself wanting to arouse him, to take him and be taken and know that despite the fight I own him in that way that makes him pant for me even though he was screaming at me five minutes ago. I love the feeling of control that brings, and I like knowing my partner is feeling that same control. Without love, a fight just gets me pissed, not horny.
I’m reminded of a phrase we coined to describe a favorite activity of my sister’s roommate and her boyfriend: “fuckfighting.” It’s a strange melange of the two separate activities, and it’s hard to tell exactly which one predominates at any one time. So we invented the new word to cover all bases.
My last girlfriend didn’t even want the romance. She felt everything was better unspoken but understood. She had no idea how I was supposed to know what she wanted without asking, and I never had the heart to tell her that what she thought she understood about me was way off.
“I don’t want to use sex as a tool, Brad.”
“Tool?!? Tool for what??!?”
I think what some women see as romantic is not what some men see as romantic. I could and would choose to believe that my husband was saying “I still want you even though you make me mad because I love you”. Personally, I need to hear the words. I know what I need and have rejected otherwise suitable men who could not verbalize their feelings in a way I could understand. I can disagree with my SO and still love and desire him.
I don’t know if men express their love through sex, but they do seem to feel loved through sex. A man will approach problems in a relationship differently if he is getting sex, versus if he isn’t. Men seem to get through sex what a lot of women get through tenderness and intimacy, and it would be fair to assume that if he feels loved through sex, then he would think you would, too.
IMHO, the statement is open to many interpretations. For a guy to say “I’m horny” is redundant. He could be saying, I love you regardless, I know your’re mad me, I’m doing my best, etc. To a guy it can be a very complicated statement. On the positive side, he is talking about his feelings. Men are generally trained not to do this. The words affectionate and romantic generally make a guy want to run to the hills. (It does me. ) Do men express love through sex? Yep, sometimes. Usually women who want more romance? Yep, generally. What’s romance? What could be more romantic than some hot monkey sex? I know this may not help much, but there’s one guy’s POV.
BTW, I don’t disagree with any other posters. Just trying to give you a different point of view. Cut him a break, getting a guy to change can be glacially slow. Good luck!
I know that when I’m angry, my husband always instigates sex. I came to realize that it’s his way of saying, “I love you, and I’m sorry your angry, please don’t be mad at me anymore. Please?” I would interpret your husband’s statement as more of the “I love you” then the “I’m horney.”
