Looking for jokes: What the difference between...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

What’s the difference between boogers and spinach?
You can’t get your kids to eat spinach.

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.”

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic?
It’s known how many went down on the Titanic.

What’s the difference between condoms and coffins?
They both hold something stiff, but one’s coming and one’s going.

22

What’s the difference between an ice cream cone and a blowjob?

You don’t know?

Meh, it’s not important.

Say, who’s up for ice cream?
What’s the difference bewteen a Canadian and a New Yorker?

One says “How’s it goin’, ay?” and the other says “Ay, how’s it goin’?”

23

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
A. One’s a bottom feeding, scum sucking predator… and the other is a fish.

24

What’s the difference between Christopher Reeve and OJ Simpson?

Reeve got the chair and OJ walked.

Yes, I know I’m going to hell.

25

All my best ones were taken - but

What’s the difference between a Ritz and a Lesbian?
One’s a snack cracker…

26

What’s the difference between the Lion King and OJ Simpson?

One’s an African lion and the other’s a lyin’ African.

ETA: I’m probably going to hell for that too.

27

Actually thinking about it I wish I hadn’t posted that.

28

HA! I played viola for over 10 years. Its funny because its true.

I was awful. But I played for my own amusement, so I didn’t care. I used to laugh at the nasty looks from the violins.

29

I should also say that as far as musical training goes, learning the viola was next to useless.

I can read alto clef. Yay. The most useless clef in the history of music.

I can’t to this day read music for any other instrument. And pieces for viola don’t tend to be the most exciting.

30

[quote=“mozchron, post:29, topic:529536”]

I can read alto clef. Yay. The most useless clef in the history of music./QUOTE]

Heh. That’s the one I didn’t learn. Had to learn to read tenor clef for playing the bassoon, but that was needed only rarely. Bassoon music is written mostly in bass clef, only using tenor clef for the most upper part of the bassoon’s range to avoid masses of leger lines.

Then again, alto and tenor clef are basically the same clef, because it’s movable - IIRC, whichever line the clef is centered on is “G”.

Never hit a baseball with my bassoon, though :stuck_out_tongue:

31

What’s the difference between a tornado and a divorce in West Virginia?

Nothing, either way somebody’s losing a trailer.

32

Also a violist - we should start a support group. Another for musicians:

What’s the difference between a dead snake and a dead trombonist in the road?
The snake was on his way to a gig.

From 1991, when both movies were in the theaters:

What’s the difference between Hook and JFK?
One’s a childhood fantasy with absolutely no basis in reality, and the other is about Peter Pan.

33

What’s the difference between a dead hooker and a Corvette?

I don’t have a Vette in my garage.

What’s the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?

One’s a snack cracker.

Try the veal.

34

From my favorite movie of all time,

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

35

Hey, respect the viola!

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

36

[quote=“Mister_Rik, post:30, topic:529536”]

“G”, huh? Well, you live and learn. :dubious:

What’s the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
The bad marksman shoots and can’t hit.

37

What’s the difference between a Florida Key and the Rockettes?

One’s Largo, and the other’s a leg row.

38

What’s the difference between goldfish and hillbillies?
Goldfish muck around fountains.

39

What’s the difference between cactuses and junior high schools?

Cactuses have hundreds of little pricks on the OUTside.

40

Mine appears almost too clean for this thread…

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

…snowballs, of course!