I’m really emotional right now, so I hope y’all don’t mind bearing with me as I try to ramble along with this. You see, I can’t possibly convey to you what every well wish or helpful suggestion means. When you feel completely alone (the only person I have contact, pretty much, during my bouts with agoraphobia, is my husband), this place is my lifeline. And just like I do whenever I still interact in “real life,” I always worry that my myriad problems shine through over any attempts I make to still appear normal. Jaceson always assures me that I have nothing to worry about, but since the end of 2006, I know things have been different and putting on a veneer of normalcy doesn’t quite cut it like it used to.
So to hear anyone say that I come across as stable here is like a miracle from God. It’s almost so unbelievable to me that I’ve had to read it again and again. Further, it’s not just that. I’ve made some friends on the board, but I still mostly keep everyone at arm’s distance because I just can’t subject them to the bullshit I deal with daily. No one deserves that, so connections through email and such fall by the wayside because there’s nothing sane to say. Yet I end up broken once again and, like I always, I find you all still standing by my side. How do you do that?? I’m telling each of you, you are the most incredible people on earth. I can’t begin to say thank you enough. Or cry either, but happily I’m keeping most of that to myself. 
Now I should address those kind folks who offered up good specific advice…
The Second Stone, I’ve read The Road Less Traveled a million years ago and don’t remember a single thing about it. However, I’m allowed reading material for inpatient stays and I’ll see if I can get a hold of this before hand to add to what I’ll be taking with me.
lorene, that is absolutely not a bad thing to have brought up, no matter how difficult things are. Because it’s small things like that which do contribute to an overall sense of weightiness. In my own case, I’d done well enough with keeping up how I carried myself hygienically, etc., until everything seemed to snowball after the second breakdown. Unfortunately now, much has deteriorated because I’m almost bewildered in my approach to daily life. Even brushing my hair out after a bath can send me into a fit of tears for hours due to the frustration of any little incident being so damn hard and not like what I was before. So your suggestion was a very good and necessary one indeed.
Beadalin, the last stay was so traumatic because through that insurance, you had to be admitted via a hospital emergency room. At the particular hospital we went to, even though I tried to stress I was having suicidal ideation but wasn’t actively suicidal, they insisted I’d have to be sent through to the psych ward as something a step beyond voluntary. That necessitated a trip over in a police car, after many hours of processing, which through me into all kinds of problems (but most notably a severe manic low and a panic attack from hell – the worst I’ve ever had) that kept me up all night. Sadly, due to the length of my intake, I was finally admitted in the wee hours of the morning, which meant they couldn’t give me any medication for what followed, nor was I allowed to see a doctor or anyone for assistance. I’ve never had an issue sticking out my stays, but I definitely didn’t think that in this instance I’d live through the night. Silly, but there it is. 
Anyway, your idea to write everything down is spot on. Back before I’d become quite this discouraged, I’d begun doing that. But even though I’d thought of it as something I should consider again before I do this, I hadn’t really decided to because I’m so damn muddled all the time. However, your post has given me the impetus to at least have Jaceson help me with it and surely we can reach something comprehensive enough to benefit from. Hopefully.
Kalhoun, argh no! I desperately wish that you could, but they don’t allow that, radios, some “inappropriate” books (last time I taken a history of paganism with me and they refused it entrance – go figure) or shoelaces. But know I’ll definitely have the Dope on my mind.
AskNott, that’s a good way to look at it and more so than that, thank you for not saying that “Suicide is the coward’s option.” Sometimes I’m just grateful to the people who don’t say the things that make me feel even worse of a human than I already am.
To those that don’t ‘know’ me but took the time to post anyway: what an incredibly kind thing to do. I really, really appreciate it. And again, I can’t offer my thanks and appreciation for you all enough. You guys are truly wonderful friends who I seem to repay now with mostly having lost my sense of humor about this. For that I apologize and hope that in the upcoming days I at least have something positive to report for a change.
