Faithfool, I’m so sorry about what you are going through, and I wish you the best. Here on the boards, not only do you come across as sane, but also compassionate, engaging and full of good humor. A good person, through and through.
You’ll most definitely be in my thoughts.
Get in, get a handle on things, and get back here, pronto. You’re one of my favorite fools in the world!
Add me to the list of people who, had you not mentioned having psychological problems, wouldn’t have known from your posts. I really really hope things improve for you soon.
I know what it’s like to feel that you’re an awful person because there’s so much you don’t do, especially in comparison to everyone else, but it’s not true. If you wish wish *wish *you could do those things the way I do and I think you do too, it’s pretty much a guarantee, I find, that you would if you could. Sadly, telling myself this doesn’t really help, so I don’t know how to help you on that point. Maybe if you imagine what you would think of someone else who struggles the way you do, if you would feel sympathy instead of harsh judgment. I find I’m always far harder on myself than I am on others. I think part of my struggle with this is that if I continue to feel like an awful person, then some if not most of my situation is my fault, which means it’s also under my control to change, which is less scary than having no control at all. I don’t know if that’s true of you, too, but if it is, that’s at least something you can try to let go of.
There’s a library book, Forgive for Good, that I checked out once that has a section on forgiving yourself. Unfortunately, it was due before I got a chance to read it and apparently has since gone missing so I don’t know if it’s helpful or not, but maybe it would be.
I’d be happy to be a pen pal too, if you want. Long periods of time between contact is something I am guilty of and wouldn’t mind, and “crazy talk” wouldn’t bother me. In any case, again, I really hope things start looking up for you soon. I often tell myself that pain at least makes you stronger, and that regardless, even if things don’t change, you at least get better at dealing with it, but I have the benefit of being at war with my body physically rather than mentally, so I don’t know if that’s true for you.
I hope I haven’t been condescending or insulting. I hope some good comes for you from being in the hospital and just in general. You’re certainly due.
I just wanted you to know I really respect you as a poster. I think you have a lot of thoughtful, intelligent, and insightful things to say. And I relate a lot to your feelings.
I was hospitalized for depression about 5 years ago. I didn’t know that day I was going to end up in the hospital. I was spending yet another day in bed instead of class. I came so close to hanging myself in my dorm room that I panicked. I ran sobbing into the local counseling center where my therapist had suggested I go immediately, and a crisis counselor took me into her room. I hate showing extreme emotions around other people, but I was just sobbing openly and begging for relief. I will never forget how acute my pain was. It was almost physical.
She was somewhat abrasive, but I think she had to be because she was trying to find out how serious I was. For example she said hanging myself was not a smart idea because it was a very painful way to die. I told her I couldn’t conceive of a worse pain than the one I was in. Next thing I know I’ve got a police escort to the psych emergency room, where I sat for 7 hours until they had a bed ready. I also had the added benefit of knowing I was going to the same psych ward where my schizophrenic uncle spent a great deal of his time. The thing is, once I was in that bed, I felt immediately better, because I realized I was completely safe from myself. Even though it was a huge pain in the ass, I needed to be there.
I was only there once, and since I was a good girl I didn’t stay long. I went to the group meetings and did my homework. There was another girl in my room who was there for like the 6th time, and I realized I really didn’t want to be that girl. So I took what I could from the experience. It would be several more years before I really began to get healthier, but I never went back to the hospital.
I know what it’s like to feel cut off and abnormal. I haven’t been severely depressed in years, and I still feel that way a lot of the time. Maybe a part of me will always feel different. But I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned throughout my years with PTSD – you don’t have to let your emotions dictate your actions. So that’s why I go to work even when I don’t feel like working, and I go out to the movies with friends even when I think everybody is going to hate me and think I’m weird. When you fake it, the behavior actually helps the way you feel, until little by little you become a fully functioning human being again. If the most difficult thing you can imagine is getting out of bed and taking a shower, then damn it, get out of bed and take a shower. You have to do it. It’s the only way out of hell.
I’ve read The Road Less Travelled, and while it was interesting I’ve got something way better. Albert Ellis’ Guide to Rational Living and Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time: The Behavioral Activation Workbook. These issues are not as complex as we want to make them. So much of our suffering comes from the things we do and say to ourselves. That is the basis of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is an incredibly effective treatment for depression.
I don’t claim to be completely free and 100% mentally healthy – you don’t want to know the nasty thoughts I thought about myself yesterday preparing for some very important interviews. But I am basically happy and able to view depression and anxiety and flashbacks as temporary rain clouds floating by on an otherwise sunny day. My favorite philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, once said that the only thing keeping him from killing himself was a good night’s rest. All that means is that feelings and situations are temporary. I know you probably think that’s crazy, because you’ve been depressed all your life–and so I was I. The first 23 years of my life were complete misery. Then something clicked. I don’t know what, but I just got sick of being sick. I radically changed my approach (thanks to Ellis et al.) So believe that I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass when I tell you that you really can get better. I know you’re in deep and it’s hard to see it, but all you have to do for right now is just hold onto that hope that what I’m saying is true. All you need for right now is to get through this moment safely.
Ok? So take care of yourself. I mean it.
First I want to offer my thanks again, to all you wonderful folks who’ve been supportive and helpful, with such kind things to say. As always, it helps so much. And I must tell supergoose that what yo said wasn’t at all condescending or insulting, but very much spot on. I try to be infinitely understanding of other people’s predicaments, all the way taking the harshest, most judgmental view of my own. I appreciate your insight and will be taking you up on your offer. As to my beloved olives, you are of course right too. The negativity that I generate about myself could sustain a large country and although I haven’t been sick with this my entire life (this all hit me seemingly completely out of the blue when I was 28), it is the little things that get you more stuck. The sad thing is that I know that intellectually, but can’t quite seem to do much about it when I’m so overwhelmed at the barrel bottom. Yet I feel it grow and grow and my bewilderment at the ‘otherness’ of myself just adds to how much I hate me, what I’ve become, everything I’ve lost and who all I’ve hurt because of this. Sometimes I think if I just didn’t have to ever look at myself one more time, then maybe the next day (hour / minute / whatever) might be tolerable.
So I said that to let you know that I do at least understand and am always grateful for your assistance. Hopefully soon I can do something with this knowledge again rather than just realize it’s out there.
Anyway, now I’d like to update on where things are at. After much searching around and deliberation, we decided to try to go through a psychiatrist first before heading to the hospital. Jaceson feels I should pick someone who is better adept at dealing with my specific issues (for example, no more picking a doctor that ends up only specializing pretty much in, say, ADD for adolescents) and that narrowed the field down quite a bit; able to prescribe medication and treat depression and anxiety (among only certain criteria you can choose from). Plus, we needed someone within close distance for when I’m more agoraphobic than not and with privileges at the hospital I’d be going to. Needless to say, that left us with few options indeed.
Well, after more research, we picked a candidate and called. Their voicemail claimed that “if they don’t reach you immediately, please give 24 hours before trying again or else the whole process could be delayed.” Obviously, we heard nothing back yesterday and due to the difficulty of finding even one appropriate physician, I agreed I could wait until today. Sadly, there was no return call and multiple attempts to reach them failed. My husband left work early to drive by their office, but it was closed many hours before it was supposed to be and there wasn’t any notification as to why. So now I’m left with figuring out what to do.
I think I’m of the belief of giving it until Monday and if there’s still nothing, re-evaluating whether to search for someone different or chuck it and go straight to the hospital. Jaceson concurs but only to the point that I’m not actively suicidal or in any way headed to an emergency-type situation. I think that’s fair, but understand that in my current highly unstable state, I might be overlooking a better decision. What do you all think? Does this sound feasible or is there something else? Any and all opinions on this would be appreciated.
That’s where things stand now. I’ll be checking back in while I’m trying to catch up on my PMs. Once again, I thank you for all you’ve done for me. Y’all mean the world to me.
Love,
Kemi~
Kemi, does your insurance provider offer a nurse practitioner or other advocate who can offer you direction or a referral within their network? My provider assigned someone to me that I can call if the need arises. Perhaps you should call and ask?
I wouldn’t want to rely on a doctor who is so unreachable in your condition. I know you said the pickin’s were slim, but that must mean there was more than this one guy, right? And since agoraphobia can be an issue, one thing to ask is if they’ll let you do sessions by phone if necessary. My doctor allows me to do that with her from time to time, which works out really well.
Wishing you a quiet and restful weekend.
Hugs,
Jill
Kemi…
I hardly know you and you’ve never heard of me. I have absolutely NO experience with the type of problem you are faced with. But that doesn’t prevent me from sincerely wishing you the best of luck, and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for the days and weeks ahead.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KEMI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Kemi - I haven’t been around for a while, and here I am dropping back in to read this amazing thread. What a testament to human compassion at work. 
I just wanted to say that something as simple as a deep breath of cold fresh air can help clear up your inner landscape. I find when my anxiety level is high and I’m not in a positon to take meds or seek consultation, I usually step outside and breath for a while. Its amazing what can be felt from a single breath of fresh air from nature.
Wishing you a restful weekend, remember you have a lot of cyber friends who care and are here for you.
Phlosphr’s post reminds me that I’ve been know to put my face into a bowl of ice and water during a particularly bad panic attack. It was helpful, strangely enough.
Faithfool, although I have memory problems relating to mental illness and different kinds of therapy, I do remember my first encounter with you. You have a gift with people in encouraging them to feel comfortable in being open here. I was one of the recipients of your gift long ago. You couldn’t have known, but it was just at the right time.
I agree with the others that you appear to be very stable, very centered. I’ve never read such an organized meltdown. Maybe –if you have the right doctor and the right situation – you need to let go. Don’t plan too much.
You must not dwell on thoughts of your insurance and the financial costs. Your precious mind is “priceless.” It must always come first. Hospitals have a way of accepting payments every month whatever they are. So forget it. If you do think of it, just gently turn your attention to something else.
My husband married me knowing that I have chronic low grade depression that sometimes escalates into severe depression. I also have panic attacks and anxiety. It worried him at first that he wouldn’t know how to deal with it. I told him just to ask what he could do. Most of the time it’s little things like getting me a cold cloth for my face or telling me one of his llama stories (don’t ask). Asking him for a piece of jewelry or a new coat doesn’t work, but that’s okay; it wouldn’t have worked for me either. Reading aloud to me or playing his guitar and good.
I understand the agoraphobia. I am still so grateful for every day that I don’t have something scheduled! But I’m not the hermit that I was twenty or even ten years ago. This old hippie has even become a club woman. (Hey! Another place I can go where I can lock the doors behind me!)
I lost my fear of flying. I didn’t fly for over thirty years, but decided that I wanted to see Paris. I planned carefully and my sixteen year old granddaughter was sent by the family to chaperon her Grammy and serve as my pack animal. I never did get frightened at all. So some fears can take care of themselves I guess.
You just never know what changes can happen through the right situation, therapy, doctor, support, modern science, Zen…
Don’t be hard on yourself. You too are deserving of all the kindness you have given to others.
We’ll be here and it’s just fine to talk about any or all or none of it.
And you are welcome to PM me if you are so inclined!
How are you feeling today, Kemi? We’re still pulling for you!
Hang in there, faithfool! And hurry back to the dope when you’re feeling better!
Sorry everyone for having been absent from the board to check in on this thread until today. I was so upset when I typed that last post that I decided to have Jaceson take me to see my dad. I’m still okay and the most that I can update is that I finally got an appointment with the psychiatrist. Apparently her office closed down early on both Thursday and Friday and didn’t put up any sort of notice to that effect. Anyway, I won’t be able to get into see her until Monday week (because I’m a new patient) and I hope I’ll be able to stick that out due to how difficult it was trying to come up with anyone else.
Thank you all again for your concern (also for that great suggestion Jill – I had no idea a therapist would do that for agoraphobia, as I’ve never had one suggest it, but I’ll definitely be checking on that with this new lady) and many emails / PMs. I apologize to those I still haven’t gotten back to. I promise you I will. I’m just so drained and frustrated and want (I think) to get into the hospital as soon as possible. Until then, I think I’m going to try to just decompress the best I can and when anything changes, I’ll let you guys know.
I love you all.
Kemi~
Good luck, faithfool. I came acrossthiswhile researching agoraphobia, and I thought you might be interested. It’s an online forum of agoraphobia survivors and some success stories, which will hopefully make you feel better.
I don’t even have agoraphobia and both my psychiatrist and psychologist both let me do phone sessions on occasion. It’s usually because my husband has the car that day and I have no transportation to get to their offices. I’m sure your doctor will want to see you in person a few times, to get to know you face-to-face so they can better assess you if they have only a phone session to go by if that arises. But they shouldn’t object to it once you’ve established a relationship.
In the meantime, try some deep breathing and yoga. You don’t have to go anywhere to do that!
{{Hugs}}
Faithfool, I wish you all the best. I have lived with my mother’s depression all my life and have seen what she has gone through in her struggle to be “just like anybody else.” That’s what I wish for you: to be just like anybody else.
If you have anxiety issues, cognitive-behavioral therapy and exposure therapy do work. You just have to find a smart and capable therapist, admittedly a pretty difficult thing to do.
I don’t know what to say, faithfool, other than to wish you luck. hugs
faithfool: I just wish the VERY BEST for you as well.
Be well!
Bill
Take care of yourself, Kemi. Don’t worry about responding if you don’t feel like it. This thread is for you.
You can do this, friend.
I maded you a card, and uploaded it.
That’s my stunningly inept rendition of Wesker, the spectacular retard-cat. He’s on my lap right now, with occasional forays into mouse-hand-sitting-on. He sends his purrs.