The last few months have been very difficult; some of you may remember that my partner and I suffered a miscarriage a few months ago. It has, unfortunately, proven to be more than our relationship could withstand and the difficult decision to part ways has been made.
I honestly do not know if this is best or what I want but at this point, there really isn’t much I can do. But losing a baby and now losing my relationship is…well, it’s pretty much more than I can take. I’m shocked and numb right now. I guess I’m posting because I need some help - some emotional support and somewhere I can turn for a kind word.
What the hell do I do now?
I really doubt that I have ever, in my life, been so depressed.
I have read (and find it easy to believe) that a pregnancy loss–or the loss of a child–can be the unraveling of a relationship. Sorry to hear that this was true for you. It’s not a failure on your part–it happens.
I’m so sorry, Tibs.
Nothing can really be said to make the hurt go away, but I’ll say it anyway. I hope that you’re feeling better soon and that, one day, you’ll be so happy you won’t even be able to remember how you’re feeling now.
bella
Tibs, it is important to remember that you still have the ability to love. If you have done it, then you can do it again. And the next time it will be stronger because you will have the wisdom of this period to make you stronger. Even though now you don’t want to think about the ‘next’ anything, know that time heals all wounds.
Until then, just accept the fact that the next few months are gonna suck. Cuz they will. There is a lot to be said about recreational sex and booze right now…There is something cathartic about being depressed AND hungover and vomitting into a strangers toilet…
BIG HUG You knwo we’re here to talk to, but consider getting a couple therapy sessions in with a professional. It can’t hurt and the added backbone might keep the depression from becoming a habit.
After that, I don’t know how crafty of a person you are, but I like hands on hobbies for taking up time and mental space. Take the time to mourn, but keep some space for healing around. Weaving and pottery are a couple of my favorites. Easy enough to give you time to think, but take just enough mental effort that you can’t brood and craft at the same time.
I’ve been in your position before, as happened to you my relationship with my wife at the time failed. The circumstances were a bit different but the pain, I’m sure, is the same.
You can email me anytime you’d like if you need someone to talk you through this. If you do, I’ll also give you my phone # and you can call anytime. I will tell you this, the pain does go away(albeit to slowly sometimes), and things do get better. It’s been about 7 years since it happened to me and I still reflect on the child that was lost to me. But, the pain of it has subsided and I can smile again. It’ll happen to you also, but you have to give it time.
My heart is with you - I’ve had several miscarriages and a couple of ectopic pregnancies. Each time I thought my world had come to an end. I felt like a failure. I became depressed.
One day I realized that these experiences were preparing me for to pursue other avenues for building our family, which explains my screen name “adoptamom” - for that is what our children did - adopt me as their mom. Foster, step and adopted children round out our family of six kiddos (there is also a biological in that bunch - a premie who’s now a healthy 20 year old about to leave for the Air Force).
I’m so sorry, Tibs. I know words can’t heal the pain you are feeling, but please know that if you want to talk, or vent, or just plain cry on my shoulder…it is always available to you. Email me at Scotticher@aol.com if you wish…and I’ll send you my phone number if that would be better.
I’ll be holding you and your baby in my heart…prayers coming your way.
Please do not be afraid to seek help (just as you have done through your post). I wonder if something more structured may be appropriate? (e.g., counseling or a therapist?).
Ah, shit, Tibs, I’m so sorry to hear this. I can’t offer experience of my own, but know that my thoughts are with you.
I’ll second the suggestion of some therapy or perhaps trying to find a support group near you, since going through both of these difficulties at the same time is too much to go through alone. Talking with a professional or with other people who have been through the same experience can help immensely.
You as a person are unable to control what happens around you. The only thing you can control is how you react. Find a calm center. Find beauty where you can - in a shaft of light, the smell of a flower, a good movie, the way a fan blowing feels on your skin, the fuzzy love of a pet. Try to focus in on these things at the exact moment you are percieving them without reference to the other things that may be going on. For just a moment let all the stress and particulars fall away, and love the single moment wherever you can.
Be glad for perception at all. The price we pay to feel these wonderful things is that sometimes life subjects us to an emotional tornado. You can’t stop the tornado, but you can hold on to what is good until the storm calms and the sun comes out.
Sorry if that’s cheesy, but it really is how I try to get through tough times (which are inevitable if you are a human). Best of luck to you.
