I need some male views here.
I met this guy on a blind date, he said I was great and really liked me (I said how can you tell after one hour, he said he could - he used to be a baptist minister and met many people through his work). He called me back and we made a date for the following Friday. Each day leading up to Friday he called and we chatted, he said he couldn’t wait for Friday. Then Friday came and we went to dinner then a walk, which was really nice, then to my place. Whilst doing the business, he lost his erection. I had no problems with that at all - first time with virtual stranger, a little drunk etc. He is a sports fanatic; ironman competitor etc and always tries to win. So he kept trying but the same thing happened each time. Eventually he left, kissing me goodbye. When he didn’t call the next day, as he said he would, I called him. He said he had been thinking about me all day and thought that we weren’t physically compatible and that he was embarassed by what had happened.
He said he couldn’t feel anything when he was inside of me; noone has ever said this before and I’m kind of gutted.
I said he shouldn’t be embarassed and it was the first time etc. and we should go out again because he’s got me liking him now.
I guess my question is how can he change so dramatically. He said the nicest things to me and early on I asked him if he was just wanting a shag and he said that he wasn’t that kind of guy. Now I’m thinking that he is like all the others and would say anything to get into my pants! Should I have held out with the physical stuff?
I need some male views here.
It probably has less to do with you than it does with him.
His ego may have been hurt by his inability to maintain an erection. He may be embarrassed and doesn’t want to be reminded of it by seeing you, even though there’s every reason to think that he wouldn’t have problems at another time, under other circumstances.
If you’d really like to see him again, you might want to pursue it a little more, but if he continues to give you the cold shoulder, then just write him off.
The “ironman” thing is a big clue. He’s terribly embarrassed and can’t stand the “shame” of not performing as he should have.
Sad. But that’s his problem, not yours. If he was only interested in sex, then you can do better.
But who knows? If you really like him, give him another chance.
At 42 (and having lived a not-so-healthy lifestyle), I’ve experienced impotence more times than I care to count…
and often during an “ideal” situation. Shit happens.
It passes. And if it doesn’t…well, that’s why God made Viagra!
I think you should have waited longer before having sex. Who knows, he could be gay too?
Was he using a condom? I’ve had experiences in the past where a guy couldn’t hold an erection using a condom. Naturally, if he’s not erect, he won’t feel anything while he’s inside you, either (I would guess)
Sucky situation, though
Thanks heaps for the feedback guys, much appreciated!
I’ve had experience with this one. When I lost my virginity, when we first tried, I was so damn nervous that I couldn’t hold mine upright. It was relatively embarassing, especially considering that I’m usually so horny that erections are NOT a problem. However, that night something happened. We tried again the next night and there were no problems, and it’s never happened since. But that first night, I guess the nerves were just a little too much for me. It’s possible the same thing happened to him, and he’s embarrassed about it. If he’s willing, just let him know it’s not a big deal, and try again. If it happens again, he may need to see someone to make sure it’s not a physical thing, or to try and calm him down.
Something else to consider–Training for the Ironman means lots of cycling and that can cause impotence due to hours of sitting on a bicycle seat. Compresses a nerve and blood vessels if I remember correctly.
Okay. Maybe levity is inappropriate, but as soon as I saw the thread-title, a certain REM song popped into my head.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
I’d like to reiterate though – it’s buddy’s problem, not yours. Heavy self-esteem issue for everyone concerned, and it’s just silly. The guy is almost certainly trying to save his own self-esteem by implying that it has something to do with you – very inconsiderate of him.
It’s uh, “hard” to say why that happens when it isn’t a medical thing. Ironically, the only woman that I ever consistently had that problem with, it wasn’t disinterest – In fact, I practically, (okay, literally,) venerated her. Which I think was the problem.
That’s probably TMI, but I just want ya to be assured: Nothing to do with you. Don’t let it get you down.
I had this problem with a girl I was with once. It was incredibly embarassing, and for a few years afterward of being single I had this fear of intimacy because I didn’t think I functioned properly. Eventually, I got over the issue and stopped being so insecure about getting an erection at the right time. Incidentally, it really improved my attitudes toward dating and sex, and made me more interested and focused on the dating aspect.
FWIW, I wouldn’t be concerned about his loss of erection (happens to most of the guys I’ve known from time to time).
What would concern me is he’s attempted to explain it in a way which seems to imply you are somehow “at fault”. If you proceed with trying to establish a relationship with this guy, just be alert for signs that he might be one of those people who likes to apportion blame in other areas of his life (and please bear in mind that he’s unlikely to totally have divorced himself from the attitudes he acquired as a Baptist minister and that they may well have a considerable impact on your relationship with him).
As a guy, and a not-that-kind-of-guy to boot, I can assure you that it’s not a something you should have to worry about.
If he says he’s “not that kind of guy” and you believe him, I think that’s good enough. There’s a good chance that he’s not just interested in getting some. But the fact of the matter is that it was clearly an embarrassing situation. He’s probably very upset. I consider myself a gentleman, and do not presume to tell you that he is otherwise, but I can tell you that if something like that were to happen to me (God, please send me an opportunity for something like that to happen to me) I too would be very upset. Many guys, hell, I’ll even say MOST guys are pretty sensitive about that, even the nice ones.
I’d say the 2 most likely scenarios are:
- He’s concerned that you are disappointed by his performance, which causes him guilt and embarrassment, and he feels sheepish confronting you in any way after that. You made it very clear by writing this thread that you are not upset (at least, not in that way), so you should make it clear to him that it’s not a big deal. Some guys’ equipment just works differently from others’.
- It has seriously filled him with some kind fo self-doubt, tothe point where, sad as it is, it may have counteracted his feelings about you romantically, intellectually, etc. I hope for your sake that this is not the case; as opposed to #1, instead of worrying he has let you down, he has instead let himself down, and unfortunately there is not much you can do about that. It’s a sad thing, but it happens.
Either way, it’s not your fault. Don’t give up on him completely yet, but if you continue to get signs that he’s just not interested anymore, go ahead and forget about him. It’s a mess you don’t need.
flup you like you’ve never been flupped before
If you don’t mind a suggestion from a 52 year old grampa:
If you find yourself in bed with this guy again, keep him from going “at it” right away. Just lie there and cuddle. Enjoy each other’s bodies and let happen what will. It may not happen, but at least there won’t be the pressure that it has to, know what I mean?
I speak from experience as well. My doc put me on some new blood pressure meds several years ago and they caused me to be impotent. Luckily the lady I was with understood, I went back to the doc, got new meds and we started again in just the way I mentioned above. No harm no foul. And most importantly, no pyschological stigma that I couldn’t “get it up”.
I love The Straight Dope.
You’ve all made me feel better, thank you.
If you’d like I’ll give you an update - well I’m going to anyway!
He called me back on Monday and said that he didn’t think we should see each other again, stop now before we became emotionally attached. He said he had spent all weekend thinking about us and was quite down. He decided that we don’t have enough in common; further down the track, he would be out doing his hours of training and competing and I would get pissed off that he would never be there for me. He needs someone who is sporty so he can share that part of his life.
I had voiced all this before we slept together (my sister said that boys brains just work slower) and he’d said it didn’t matter because our personalities suited each other.
He wants to remain friends because he thinks I’m great - I’m not so sure I can do this just yet.
He seems to have got over the lost erection thing, he said it had only happened once before.
And I feel somewhat better; that my perceptions about people aren’t totally off. He really is a nice guy but probably shouldn’t have come on so strong in the beginning. He said the nicest things and couldn’t believe that noone else had ever said them to me.
God damn it!
“And he said losing wood is like a window in your heart…”
My first time was very much like Jman’s. I wonder if your blind date is embarrassed to admit how little experience he has had, if indeed he too has had little experience.
Um, no he was married for 15 years and although he may not have had many partners, he sure knew what to do - in all other ways, the most skillfull man I’ve ever slept with.
Larry Mudd, get the fuck out of my head! I was gonna make that exact joke!
Welcome aboard, MelCthefirst, and enjoy your stay.
I’m sorry, but I can’t resist…
Am I the only one to find this sentence funny?
There are plenty of unsuccessful Japanese politicians who have experience with losing erections.