So, gentlemen, how *DO* I discuss erectile dysfunction with my man? Long, hard and...

In My Humble Opinion
1

First, it’s a moot point. The person in question began spewing molten hot crazy when I tried to broach the subject. Things were said, lines were crossed, red flags were planted, and he ain’t my lover no more. However, I’d like a little reassurance that I wasn’t out of line, and perhaps some guidance if this similar circumstances should arise. (Oh, the puns . . . I don’t even mean to, and they keep happening.)

Second, the background: we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months, by email and in person. There was baring of souls and much sexy talk. Two things he made very clear to me: he thought I was hotter than a July 4th sprinkler, and it would take Mr. Happy a little while to trust me.

I was fine with that. He had obviously learned some other techniques to compensate, and boy howdy, they were appreciated. There was not a physical cause to said problem, as he awoke with a boy’s best gift. He spoke of taking matters into his own hands when I wasn’t around. It was just with me that the noodle was past al dente. Oh, I could bring matters to a standstill with a little focus of my own, but it faded as soon as I looked away.

I thrive on information. If I am stressed, I look up the topic on Wikipedia. If I’ve just gotten my paycheck, I may do something a bit spendthrift at amazon.com. Also, I talk. I approached him on the topic, but my timing was off. The mood earlier had been killed by a miscommunication. When I say “I really need to pee. Please let me up,” I’m serious. He didn’t believe me. I was about two seconds away from gouging an eye out. I think his feelings were hurt.

Here’s what I said (approximately):

“Lover man, I’m having a blast, but I’m a bit worried. You say you want me. You slaver for me, and I believe you. But, I’m feeling a bit insecure. Can you give me a time frame for gaining Mr. Happy’s trust? Is there anything I can do to make him more happy? I adore your sweet, slow, and thorough method, but I would love to explore other approaches. For instance, the sudden pounce is a favorite of mine. I would love to share it with you.”

Here’s what I got (again, approximately):

“Why is this bothering you? It never bothered any of the other women I’ve been with. Besides which, it’s not about you. I made a conscious decision twenty years ago to disconnect my conscious mind and my erectile response. It can’t be changed. There’s nothing wrong with being like this, and you’re the one with a problem.”

The night ended shortly after that. Eighteen hours later, I received an email that went into great detail about how I am too demanding, the previous misunderstanding was because I hadn’t used a safety word, and really, his difficulties with arousal were no different from my having multiple orgasms, and obviously, we should both be medicated for these problems. Oh, and we can go slower if I want to. Also, would I please have a friend check my response before I sent it and chopped him into itty pieces.

Words said. Lines crossed. Red flags planted. The email I sent in response severed all connection between us. I did actually use the sentence “you are dead to me” in it. Thankfully, I’ve not received any more. It only dawned on me this afternoon that, well, perhaps I’d touched on some long lifed insecurities of his, and he struck out. Doesn’t excuse him, but it does make it pardonable. Not dateable, though.

So my questions are:

  • should I have expected a more reasoned answer?
  • would I have gotten one if I’d chosen a better time to bring it up?
  • um, is it simply impossible to talk with a man if he’s having such difficulties?
  • if the above answer is “no,” can you recommend a better approach?

Ladies (and gay gentlemen), you are also invited to post your experiences with the flaccid matter at hand.

Not that it may ever be relevant again. After this go round, I’ve decided to dust off my “Crazy Cat Lady” plan and put that into the works. First, I must acquire a cat. And a vibrator. Vibrators don’t need to have their trust won.

2

Snort.

Did you two have a previously agreed upon safety word?

Is this a typo? Do you really mean he equated your ability to have multiple orgasms with erectile dysfunction?

I don’t have any words of wisdom. Obviously, this is one of those things most guys are super sensitive about (ha) and often talking just makes it worse. Which doesn’t help anyone. Oh, but please post the email he sent here

3

We had jokingly agreed upon a safety word previously (“penguin,” if you must know), but there’d been no mention of it since that day. There was nothing going on at the time where I would have thought a safety word was necessary - no role playing, no bondage, nothing but vanilla. Also, he didn’t bring it up directly afterwards, but in the email a day and a half later, which led me to believe that he was rationalizing after the fact.

And yes, he really did equate my ability to have multiple orgasms with his inability to generate and sustain an erection.

4

You’re 100% in the right here. (I’m a 28 year old male).

If he has a problem (or, to use different words, if he’s not as readily aroused as one might expect a man to be), then as uncomfortable as it might be, he needs to learn to talk about it. It sounds like he’s decided to absolve himself from that responsibility (the “I’ve made a conscious decision to not try to change this, so don’t talk to me about it” <- paraphrase), and that he has no interest in addressing his partners’ happiness in this regard.

You’re better off today without him than you were yesterday with him. Not every man needs to perform at 100% all the time, but every man needs to be ready to talk about that openly and receptively with a partner.

ETA:

Oh, and to address your questions more directly. You were totally right to bring it up. You should have gotten a more reasonable answer. It is possible to talk to a man with such issues (I’ve had a time or two in my life when, while dealing with depression, I had a much harder (heh) time having erections. It was embarrassing, but I faced it head on (heh) and talked with my partners at the time).

5

Sounds to me like you were very kind in the way you broached the subject with him.

6

What the hell does that mean? What did he do? How did he do it? Is that why he can’t get it up?

Until I got a rational answer to the set of questions about his “conscious decision” :dubious: I’d tend to assume that he was the one with the problem.

7

Men. I will never understand the relationship between a man and his penis.

Why does this have to be such a problem? If a woman loses her libido, you don’t see her going nutsy weird about it. It’s a fact of life. It happens. Get over it and get it fixed or accept it for what it is. The penis does not make the man.

8

There’s your problem – he thought you were hotter than a device that dispenses refreshing, cold water.

9

A woman with a low libido (should she choose) can fake it and get by. A man cannot. Contrary to your statement “The penis does not make the man” the ability to sustain an erection holds a great deal of physical and emotional import for many women in gauging their relationships, and whether a man is attracted to them. Men have to conscious of their penile performance because they are judged quite directly on it.

10

I’m sure it’s pretty hard to fake a dry vagina.

I really do understand that a man’s sexuality is “out there” for everyone to see and I totally understand the physical and emotional connection for both men and women in the penile performance arena.

What I don’t understand is the “hot button” attached to penile issues. Certainly a man can have a rational discussion about a body part that seem to not be working as it should… at least any other body part other than the penis.

It’s sad that this man has so much energy invested in his “conscious decision” that could be used to be making his woman feel wanted and loved.

11

Honey, he’s either gay* or crazy. Or maybe both. It’s just a miracle I didn’t date him instead of you. You did everything right, don’t dwell on it. I’ve so been there, and there’s nothing gained in agonizing over it. Use that energy to go buy a 36 pack of AA’s and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
*Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat - except, of course, if you’re a woman and he’s not being honest with either of you.

12

Again you are putting the onus on the man as if it’s his big deal. It’s a man’s “big deal” because it’s a *woman’s * big deal. Possibly women over 65 or so might be understanding. I have listened to more than one sweet, charitable, caring single woman in her 40’s I have dated over the past 10 years (I’m 50 this month) tell me point blank she dropped a Mr. Perfect candidate because he could not get it up. And make no mistake about it, from their perspective it was his problem, not “their” problem.

The ability to get a big fat hard erection and fuck like a stallion is a HUGE deal to sexually active women, and they will drop your ass like a hot potato, politely or impolitely, if they think this is unlikely to happen. I’m sure there are men with erectile issues who would be happy to keep eating pussy contentedly as long as they felt they woman was satisfied with their performance, but if a woman wants a hard cock (with man attached) to make her feel like a woman there are few substitutes.

13

Wow, that guy sounds incredibly defensive! Based on the information you’ve given, I’d say you were entirely reasonable and he must be really insecure. And since he’s said he’s chosen to divorce his arousal from his penis (how does that happen physically, anyway? sounds like he’s completely full of shit) long ago, this has surely come up - pardon the pun - before.

My guess is that he hasn’t been able to get it up for quite some time, is too embarrassed to go to a doctor about it and has had this talk a couple of times and is now even more embarrassed. Then he can justify the whole thing as being your problem - because it was a conscious decision, you see - not his. So there. :rolleyes:

My sympathies to you, though it sounds like this one wouldn’t have been able to meet your needs. Indeed, those needs probably would have been classified as your “problem.” Trite as it is, you’re probably better off without him.

14

Until the part where you argued and broke up, I wondered if I had written this post in my sleep or something. I’m starting to decide that I’ll stop pushing the issue… he knows I want it, he’s generally eager to please, and pushing him just can’t help things at this point.

Sigh.

He’s so pretty. And I like him so much. Just, goddamit, the man has serious performance anxiety issues.

If anyone has any advice about how to handle that… I’m totally ready for it to be dispensed.

15

First of all, no great loss. Second, it helps if sex is not most of the relationship - I don’t know if this was true for you or not.

I don’t think saying you felt insecure helped. Insecure -> unsatisfied -> I’m a failure. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but that is how it came out in his hearing.

Perhaps a good way of bringing it up is out of curiosity. Not “let’s fix something broken” but more “I’m curious about what it would be like.” I think most men are curious also. It gives an out. It does require a trip to the doctor, but most doctors I suspect are not going to make a big deal about writing this sort of prescription.

16

You know what? There are quite a few old women who’ve had very active sex lives yet have never experienced an orgasm assisted by another person. For guys with ED there’s Viagra and Levitra and Cialis and they’ll sell it to you over the goddamned internet–I can’t look in my spam folder without finding at least fifty solicitations to buy various types of WeinerHard. There is no convenient pill to fix anorgasmic women–they have to rely on the generosity and patience of their partners, which may or may not be forthcoming. So as far as I’m concerned any dude who STILL has to be a defensive jerk about the totally natural age related lessening of vascular function that happens to a substantial percentage of men to the point where he’ll totally alienate women because he’s too goddamned prideful just to take a fucking pill that will fix his problem in a heartbeat has zero claim on my sympathy.

It’s like listening to some shithead who has fat health insurance complain about being sick while refusing to do anything about it to someone with a terminal disease but no coverage. If the guy can’t face his issues and DO something about it he deserves to be single forever.

What a shithead. Good on ya for DTMFA! :smiley:

17

Yes. Jesus, yes.

No, probably not. There are vanishingly few good times to bring such things up.

No. But successfully talking to the man about such difficulties depends entirely upon his receptiveness to the discussion. I think you were lost in this case.

Nope. I think you were more than understanding, and beyond that, the question is one of how involved you wished to become, and of how involved he wished you to become. Go forth, and don’t date any more repressed homosexual men, unless doing so appeals to you, and you’re willing to accommodate them.

18

He overreacted, but I think the asking for a timeframe thing was a bad move. The one thing almost guaranteed to bring erectile dysfunction is pressure, and he cannot possibly give you an answer anyway.

Somewhat related anecdote: the ex and I enjoyed a particular… activity, let’s call it, that had higher demands on me than regular sex. When we were going to do that activity, I didn’t want to have had sex the same day, so I could be reasonably sure to be able to do it. She once asked me how long before we had to abstain. I couldn’t answer. It doesn’t work like that.

19

Too late to edit: That was unwarranted, and I apologize. It is possible that this man really suffers from erectile dysfunction. That is not the impression I get from the facts that you’ve related, but I should not have been so ready to rule it out.

20

How in hell could someone misunderstand Let me up I need to pee as wanting more foreplay? Seems stupid if you ask me, and a bit wierd.

I may have waited to discuss mr unhappy until another time, one where you weren’t in bed but maybe over coffee before anything starts. He was reacting way overmuch insisting that both of you need meds. [though I am confused, do you or dont you have multiple orgasms, and what does it matter to him?]