?squeeze me?
Speaking as a sexually active woman of 46 a hard cock does not a lover make. It is the whole package. If he can’t get it up [and I have dated a guy that had a micropenis, and guys with various levels of impotence and I have dated RamboCock.] there are a lot of other things you can do, and I do not look for a partner just for the bedroom, I want someone to have fun with. Give me anybody but RamboCock.
Well, yeah… but a fuckable penis is *part * of the whole package, and while I won’t speak for my entire gender, it’s not a part that I personally am willing to dispense with.
I’d be willing to work around it to accommodate a long-standing, committed relationship, but no freakin’ way am I going to *start * a relationship with a man who can’t fuck me.
phouka, I’m not sure what you could have done differently. I don’t think there’s any way to make it a comfortable conversation, but his reaction borders on insane.
Another vote for weird and insecure.
It is true, though, that men’s egos are all wrapped up in their penis, it seems. And there is a kernel of truth to what he said; there IS sometimes a disconnect between the mind and penis. That may not be what his actual disconnect is, though.
DianaG, would you feel differently if say, the man is willing to pop a Viagra for playtime? I’m not going “how you doing?”, I’m just curious about your or other women’s perspective on that. ED is a reality for many men over, say, 35, but that doesn’t mean they don’t WANT to do an epic amount of nailing.
Okay, this has been reassuring. I was starting to guilt out over it.
The problem, for me, was not that he had a difficult time getting and keeping an erection. It was that, first, he lied to me about why (Mr. Happy needed time to trust me), second, he made it about me when it obviously wasn’t (he’d been that way for 20 years and Mr. Happy hadn’t “trusted” any of the women he’d been with previously), and third, he had no interest in dealing with it.
It wasn’t a physical problem, as he had delightful morning wood and he could masturbate on his own. To my mind, it was definitely a psychological issue. I haven’t the slightest idea how an issue like that is treated, but I would have been happy to help in any way I could. I figured he’d be happier as well. This far out, though, I can see where that may have felt like an intolerable pressure to perform, which was so not my intention.
sigh
He was a sweet guy, and I really liked being with him. His faults, for the most part, were completely within the realm of normal. Until he wigged out. And there, he showed me that he was willing to fight with manipulation, cheap shots, rationalizations, and denial of reality. Dammit.
Honestly, I don’t think he’s gay. Maybe bi. He really likes women. I hope he gets better. I hope he deals with his issues. I worry that this blowing up in his face makes that less likely.
But, it’s not my problem anymore.
I do have multiple orgasms. I have ever since I learned how to climax. Previously, he’d been thrilled with that, but I think he was so threatened he tried to use it as a comparison.
You’re not out of line. Ol’ Slow Hand had a problem you couldn’t possibly approach and he gave you a pile of double-talk bullshit to cover it up.
Somewhere along the line he’s had an experience that has devastated his self-confidence, and now the guy is self-monitoring like crazy. His claim that he’s disconnected his brain from his dick is pure bullshit. Not only are they connected, but the brain is insisting that something is about to go wrong at any moment, that failure is imminent, and negative psychological blowback from his partner is guaranteed. This causes tremendous distraction and, with his body in full anxiety mode, an erection is simply impossible. He gets great morning wood because his mind isn’t engaged (there’s also the morning piss hard-on effect, which has been discussed elsewhere on The Dope) and he can self-service because there’s no negative feedback from failure, thus no anxiety.
Once the guy admits he has a psychological problem that requires treatment, he can learn to like himself again and use Mr. Happy to make his mate truly happy. Until then, he’s doomed to limp along. You’re better off just moving on.
He wanted you to pee on him. That is why he was reluctant to let you up. I bet that would have made Mr. Happy happy.
Of course, if that works. It’s not that I need it to spring to attention unaided at the mere sight of me, it’s just that I need sex.
Yup, sounds reasonable to me! A good partner should be willing to do what it takes to make the other happy, within reason, of course.
Exactly. The issue here is not really ED. At least, it wouldn’t be for me and it sounds to me like it isn’t really for you. The issue(s) are the lying, manipulation and total lack of taking responsibility for his problems, whether they are physical, psychological, emotional or orientational.
The question in the title is best answered, “exactly like you did, although maybe not in bed.” But, as you say, moot point when you’re met with crazy in response.
That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.
Then I got to that.
The guy is a loser, you’re better off without him.
See, first he was all like “it might take a while before I can trust you enough to keep it going (so to speak)”, and then you - quite reasonably, I might add - were checking in on that facet of the relationship (because he, himself, had implied that the floppiness was a temporary issue) and he went off a mental deep end on you.
He’s a nut. Not dating nuts is a sound life strategy. Therefore, you’re good 
SPARKLER. Not “sprinkler,” SPARKLER.
It’s a good thing the people at this site get me. sheesh
Cite?
On behalf of men, allow me to apologize and promise we’re not all batshit crazy and burdened with this bizarre disconnection between my conscious mind and my wood. In fact, I am often acutely conscious of the connection, sometimes at inappropriate moments.
Damn healthclub and women in tight spandex, or those new workout skirts y’all are wearing lately.
I often have trouble…getting the blood to flow to the correct place…when I’m with my girlfriend. Sometimes we make out too long and I get desensitized, sometimes I’m in a bad mood, tired, or worried that someone is gonna hear us.
That being said, I still think this guy’s attitude is seriously messed up.
I would certainly never delude myself into thinking something like this, let alone saying something like this to my girlfriend. Especially the “it can’t be changed” part. Despite both of our frustrations, we’re always trying different things. If he’s not even open to the possibility of making this work, dump his ass.
Hoo boy, the things I am willing to admit on a public message board in the name of fighting ignorance. And there is abundant ignorance in this thread. Y’all better appreciate what I’m about to do for you here.
No beating around the bush here. I need a chemical assist. I do not take in in pill form (I can’t stand the side effects), so I take it in injection form. (Those of you who might think I’m less of a man, let’s see YOU deal with sticking a hypodermic needle into your wang a couple of times per week.) And yes, it does turn me into RoboWang. It’s quite impressive. Porn stars should envy me.
I’ve had the problem since I was around 15, and got it dealt with when I was 25. And 31. And 37. And again at 45. I have seen at least 4 doctors about it, some of them world-class. I have read countless books. You can probably consider the board expert on the topic. I could (but won’t) start an “Ask the” thread about it. I know my stuff.
As far as this guy being latently homosexual, I highly doubt it. As far as his problem being mostly mental, that’s also very doubtful. That he gets morning wood is absolutely no indication that the problem is mental. Lots of guys with physical problems get nocturnal erections. The fact that this guy has had the problem for decades is a strong indication that the problem is mechanical, not mental. A mental problem of that sort simply doesn’t last that long.
The idea that most women will kick a man to the curb if he doesn’t get instant erections? That just does not ring true in my experience. I have not had a single woman make a big deal over it. One past GF convinced me to go to a doctor about it, but she was very kind in her persuasion. Another GF was more than happy to deal with me while I was flaccid – she thought the injections were “extreme” and didn’t want me taking them.
Besides, I have a mouth and two hands, and I know how to use them.
The idea that the guy’s problem is mental because he can masturbate is also fallacious. It is entire possible to masturbate to orgasm without getting hard.
But the guy showed some serious emotional immaturity in the way he reacted. If he’s afraid to see a doctor, then he should get the hell over it.
Any more ignorance I can fight while I’m here?
Engineer Dude, thanks for being brave.
Please tell me you kicked him in Mr. Happy’s asymmetrically cleft chin.
Doesn’t have to be dumb. The first two times with my now-ex, I couldn’t perform. Nothing wrong with her, I was just too nervous about finally being in that situation. When the whole thing felt a bit less dramatic, the problem vanished.
True. Some guys need some comfort before they can perform
And I must say that, in this context, I despise the word “perform.”
Ow, ow, ow!!!
I didn’t even know such a remedy EXISTED.
::flees the thread screaming like the little girl I am::