I thought the title might attract the guys to this.
OOK, I am a single mom. My kids are very open and honest with me. I treasure this and don’t want to lose it. I tell them they can tell me anything and not get into trouble for it if they discuss it with me openly.
Well, my son tells me he is going to lose his virginity tomorrow night. He is 16 and she is 16 so I know it is legal in this state. He has refrained from dating a lot because he was not ready. He is an extremely attractive and bright young man. He makes good grades, never gets into trouble, and does not do drugs or smoke cigarettes. Definitely a future doper (loves computers and very inquisitive, great sense of humor). Last year he had some trouble attending school but we weathered it nicely and peacefully. He is a popular kid and has had lots of girlfriends but broke it off before it came time for intercourse.
The thing is, I don’t know what to tell him. I have given him all the mom things like, make sure you care for her and use a condom. But I don’t know what a man would say to him. Other than “hey good going buddy!”…yeckkkkkk
Hopefully there are some caring fathers out there that can help me to help him through this without totally screwing him up. Would allowing this to happen be a bad thing? Should I try to stop this? What kind of advice should I give him? I have no parents and had lost mine before I was 15. He is also the only boy in my family other than my older brother who doesn’t have all his faculties. (maybe that’s why)
Also, what about the girl, I have not met her. I would have, but I have been very sick lately and haven’t been out of the house for a few weeks. Would I be doing her a disservice if I allowed this? I wonder about her parents and what they know or what she has told them. Or even if she really cares for my son. Mind you I am not an incredibly religious person, but I am cncerned how this will affect both of them. Not only my son.
Sounds like you’re doing a lot better than most parents. Even mine, who presented me with the quintesential book “Where did I come from?” when I was three, couldn’t say ‘condom’ in front of me once I’d reached that age - they still resorted to the ‘be careful’ euphemisms.
It’s fantastic that you’ve got such an open relationship with him. However, it’s possible that your coolness doesn’t follow through to his streetwiseness. I seriously would have prefered a pack of condoms to have ‘appeared’ somewhere I’d find them rather than being told to buy them myself (embarassment in front of a whole queue at the pharmacy is really bad). Actually, while you’re at it, throw in some lubricant - I only learnt of its role in helping prevent split condoms after such an event.
As for the girl - if you’ve not met her, she’s certainly not your responsibility. You’re responsible for making sure your son treats her properly, respects her wishes and intentions, and it sounds like you’re doing that.
Make sure he knows all about condoms, buy him a new packet if he hasn’t got any. Tell him not to expect too much the first time (first times are allways difficult) and wish him the best of luck,
Perhapse remind him not to drink before hand (if he does drink at 16, which would be fairly normal in Europe but might seem strange in US). To not pressurise his girlfriend (who obviously has promised, but may have second thoughts as clothes come off) and if she says no to be sure to just hug her, and not blaim her for saying no.
The only thing I can suggest is that you be prepared for the possibility that it could turn out to be a highly positive experience for both of them, regardless of the circumstances. I lost my virginity at 16 to a friend of whom my parents would not have approved, that wasn’t the beginning of a boyfriend-relationship; nevertheless it was extremely positive. The point is that you respond to how your son ends up feeling about it. You already have an exceptionally open and trusting son in that he told you in advance that he would be losing his virginity.
Unfortunately, you can’t forbid this. However, you can discourage your son from making a bad choice. I know a lot of younger Dopers will not agree, but I maintain that at 16, your son and his girlfriend have no clue who they are and what they want to do with their life.
I’m pretty ambivalent about the perceived “value” of virginity. I’m not ambivalent, however, about pregnant 16 year olds. Yea, yea, yea, condoms and all that rot, but the truth of the matter is that a vast number of teens DON’T use condoms as evidenced by the number of teen pregnancies every year.
Actually, the majority of teenagers do use condoms. Yes, there’s a promiscuous element who need to be dealt with in other ways. But wouldn’t it help to advise teenagers on how to use condoms effectively? (“smear the jelly everywhere, and a bit more, and use XYZ brand because they’re slightly larger” was the advice my girlfriend was given, but like I already said this was only after one accident and a morning-after pill, and yes, I took it as a complement )
I don’t think one is mutually exclusive of the other.
You can talk to your 16-year-old child about the pros and cons of having sex.
You can also make sure that your 16-year-old child has all of the knowledge at his fingertips (no pun intended) about the proper use of condoms. GorillaMan, you were lucky that your “accident” didn’t result in an “accident”.
Another thing I didn’t mention is STD’s. While I understand that this girl is also a virgin, if he becomes sexually active at 16, he is much more likely to encounter a partner that has an STD before he’s an adult.
You’re right. I should also point out that the ‘accident’ happened when we were both 20. But neither of us knew of the risks of dry condoms. (And no, I subsequently read the leaflet from the packet, and it didn’t mention it…dammit, I could’ve sued!!!)
Others have already brought it up, but I guess I want to be more specific:
Does he have any plans as to what he’ll do if such there is an unexpected pregnancy, and the girl decides to keep the baby? Have you told him how you feel (either pro or con) about helping him support any (hypothetical) baby?
Second on that. Just before I opened this thread, I was on the phone to the girl I lost my virginity to in 1970. Even though we have our own SOs we are still best friends.
Advice? Here is some.
Buy him the first box of condoms. Save him the embarrasement. Ditto on the lube. Think back to when you were a virgin. Recall the questions you had. Answer them for him.
Remind him that if a girl says no that means stop.
Oh yeah the first time is quite often horrible, but the 2nd and 3rd are
Could it be that he is just bragging, or trying to get attention? I know that if I said that phrase, my mom would have probably keeled over with a heart attack.
I got a lot of mixed messages from my parents. Fact is, it was only when I was in a position to make my own decisions wtihout feeling somehow ‘influenced’ by one (or both) parents actions that I actually had self-confidence.
Well, in a general way, yeah. I think that most responsible people have spent a few seconds thinking about whether or not they can afford (or be responsible) for bringing a child into the world.
If this boy has no job, and he’s still in school so he can’t have a fulltime job, and he wants to go to college–he’d better think about how his life will change if he becomes a daddy. He’d better at least be able to think about whether or not he’d be even remotely capable of being responsible for his own choices, or if he expects mommy to help him out. If she doesn’t mind helping him out, there’s no problem, but if she does, I think she’s at least entitled to ask him about it.
Isn’t the logical conclusion from such a thought, eerrrrrr,… use contraception? Yes, we know it’s not 100% effective. It’s 99% effective. Really, the only logical conclusion you’re saying is that nobody should have sex unless they’re fully capable of bringing up a resultant child.
Do make the condom purchase for him. Wish him good luck.
You must have a good relationship with your son. My mom came home from work early one day and walked in on me and Bonnie (both age 14 at the time) while we were in a particularly nice stage of afterglow.
She looked at the floor and saw assorted undergarments and a condom package. She says: “I guess this means we don’t have to endure ‘the talk’ doesn’t it?” Then she walked out of my room and the two of us never discussed sex again.
Not that I minded. She probably would have discussed it if I’d wanted to, but my mom would have been the last person I wanted to talk about sex with.
Congrats to you and your son for being so open with each other.