I am trying to convince my girlfriend that when I leave for the navy our relationship is not going to work out. She thinks that our love life can be some kind of fairy tale where everything works out in the end, that love conquers all.
But I’m not as naive. When I leave for the navy I know they are going to put me where they damn well please, and I wont be able to see her. I told her about my once a year vacations and she thinks that once a year is better than nothing. But I can’t be with someone who I am only going to see no more than once a year.
I tried to explain to her that if I cheat on her she would never know and I could just lie to her and everything will be peachy keen still, but I dont want to lie to her. And it’s almost certain that I would get drunk one night and let my dick take over for my brain.
All I am trying to do is save ourselves from some unforseeable thing I will do where she will hate me forever. Because I still want to be her friend. I truly care about her, and I dont want to hurt her.
I wish there was something I could say so she understands that it will not work.
Well, you certainly come across as a gentleman, not wanting to string her along. But I don’t think the blame falls entirely on the navy. If she’s super important to you, you could choose to be faithful. If she’s super important to you, she could move to whereever you’re based and see you better than once a year.
I do appreciate the truth of what you are saying. Long distance relationships are very difficult. However, any chance you may have had of making it work seems long gone to me by virtue of the fact that you already have it failing in your head. So my advice to you is simple : break up with her. Do it right away. Then perhaps (after giving her some time to adjust) you could continue your friendship prior to you leaving. I believe this would easier on both of you as your time for shipping out draws nearer.
It’s difficult to comment without knowing you well or the facts of you and your g/f.
However that’s never stopped a doper form offering an opinion has it?
Generally speaking I agree with your honest appraisal. It’s a long time and by the sounds of it you know yourself well enough to doubt your ability to live up to a celibate life long enough. In that case I think you should break up with her. Honestly and perhaps even bluntly. Don’t sugarcoat it or you run the risk of having her live in hope and you feeling bad on your first vacation finding her pining and you suddenly feeling bad over your ‘transgression.’
Having said that, long-distance relationships CAN work. But only if you truly love each other deeply. But - no offence mate - you don’t sound as if you’re that far into it.
All the best with what could be very difficult TS.
grin a sailor is meant to have a girl in every port. let her be the one there.
Ok … that was the slutboy answer. In seriousness … ask if you are doing it because you don’t think the relationship will last or if you are breaking up now because the relationship has run it’s course and this is the easiest way out …
Maybe I’m not in complete total love with her, but I ** DO ** care about her. That is the reason I dont want to hurt her by me cheating on her and then compound it by lying to her.
She is so stubborn. She wont accept the fact that it wont work. Her best friend even agrees with me.
In the navy I will be moving so much and meeting a lot of girls. I have no intention of joining the priesthood those six years. I might sound like a typical male but I really dont want to hurt this girl by stringing her along.
You’re doing the right thing mate. Be firm (no pun intended) and honest now. It may hurt her a bit in the short term but it’ll be better than the alternative.
you believe future slutting-about on your part to be inevitable;
you don’t want to lie to her about the same;
you love her,
then it seems to me the thing to do is to remain in a relationship with her such that you do not have to lie to her about the slutting-about that you’re doing. In other words, a relationship in which slutting-about is permitted; in other words, an open relationship.
You’ve done all you can. Perhaps it’s simply time for her to grow up and learn a nice little “life lesson” on her own. Yes, she’s naive and sweet but she can’t stay that way forever and survive in this world. You’ve been a stand up guy and tried to explain, that’s all you can do. At least you’ve done that much. It would be so tempting to simply tell the poor girl what she wants to hear and then go on about your business. Kiss her goodbye and have a successful career in the military. She’ll get over it. Don’t let her manipulate you into making a promise you don’t intend to keep.
If it is real love, if you feel it has that possibility, and if she really feels it’s there, then when you’re out of the service again, she’ll be there for you. In the mean time, both she and you should focus on your current situations in life and let the matter of love rest. I’m sure you can keep a correspondence while your’e away, though forget about it in boot-camp, if it’s anything like basic training was for the Army Infantry, we didn’t get the chance to call or write home for the first 6 weeks, and then only limited calls for the next several months. Writing became highly encouraged though. So keep in touch if you can, don’t burn your bridges, but let her know the straight dope. You’re gone, she’ll be lonely, and the both of you might meet someone else. You’re young, so don’t let each other get in the way of your growing up more and getting some good education. When you are reunited again, you can focus on the love situation. That’s my two cents. And a nickel to boot.
It seems to me that there is no love there to conquer anything.
Oh, I’m not saying that people don’t have affairs even when in love with someone. But there are reasons for these kinds of infidelities, all of which have to do with communicatiuon problems.
You don’t cheat one someone you “love” because you’re drunk and horny.
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, two weeks, one day, 13 hours, 19 minutes and 4 seconds.
4262 cigarettes not smoked, saving $532.77.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 19 hours, 10 minutes.
I was certainly scratching my head when I read the quote you mentioned, then, in the next post, read Bill H. say, “Well, you certainly come across as a gentleman.”
???
Very few relationships will last with six years apart. That said, ask some of our military folks on this board. I’m sure a few of them have relationships that they’ve maintained.
You don’t need to be a cad to her right now, however. Let it just fade out, if that’s what it’s going to do. Or break up with her and tell her there’s nothing more to discuss. But don’t go into lurid detail over why it won’t work. That’s just cruel.
Ok guys…Give the boy a break…he stated that he cares for her but is not “love of my life” in love with her. Yes, he is a gentlemen for not wanting to make her a promise he knows he won’t keep.
She’s also screwing up by attempting to exert pressure on him for a commitment he is reluctant to make, so typical. If you’ve got to force a commitment or a proposal out of someone how good is it? Many women are notorious for this, and IMHO they deserve every little heartache they get. Perhaps I have a little more pride or maybe even too much but I’d be damned if I’d beg some prick to marry me or try to force some kind of commitment from him. I’d split wide damned open first. Might have to cry myself to sleep for months, but I’d never argue with a man that had the balls to tell me the truth like this guy has done.
Needs2know
Having been a military person, and having been in the military community for 14 years, I am here to tell you that you are absolutely doing the right thing, Talkinsquirrel.
I have seen “home-town girl/boy friend left behind” relationships work. Maybe 3 or 4 times. The rest of the time (the vast majority of the time) it is just as you described, military person tries to stay faithful, doesn’t, gets caught up in lies and guilt and then the whole thing comes crashing down with a lot more pain than if the parties had done the realistic thing in the first place.
And it’s more than just getting drunk one night and letting hormones take over. The military is a special world, that most civilians don’t really understand. When you are in, you are going to grow and mature in ways that your girlfriend will not, and many people find after a while that they and their friends that stayed back home have less and less in common.
If you get out and come home after a few years, you may find that you and your girlfriend still have that spark, but until then I think you are very smart to leave yourself free for all the new experiences you are going to have, rather than putting restrictions on yourself.
Give it a chance; if you feel too much pressure to cheat, break up. I survived two years of a ong-distance relationship. Some of it was hell, some of it was great. eventually it became clear that it wasn’t working, and it ended. But it was worth it to know those sorts of things about myself. Can’t hurt to try, right?
I’ve thought about that open relationship thing, but I think it wouldnt work. If we did it and find out it wasn’t going to work I would be raising her hopes for nothing and then it would be harder than before if I just didn’t do a clean break.
