Longtime lurker, infrequent poster here.
This story is a bit long, and nothing everyone hasn’t heard before, but it’s something I just felt like throwing out there, because it’s making me miserable.
I’m in the Navy. Joined about four and a half years ago. I had a wonderful girlfriend at the time, and had every intention of marrying her. Unfortunately, I was also battling personal demons. . .drinking far too much, letting my stress get the better of me. Honestly, I simply was not a very good person.
So, we drifted apart. “Drifted” is an unusual word to use here, because it was pretty much all my fault. I was wrapped up in my own thing and failed miserably in keeping communications open. Hell, I was such a mess that I was surprised when I found out I DIDN’T have a girlfriend anymore.
I eventually began straightening my life back out, slowly at first. I cut way back on the drinking and partying. (And this year, made the choice to stay sober altogether after one too many bad episodes.) I reopened those lines of communication, and we talked about the difficult times I’d put her through. God bless her, she made it through quite well, and emerged far stronger than she’d ever been before.
We’ve remained very close friends–talking to each other via telephone, seeing each other whenever I was home. . .flew her up here a few times for a visit. Things were going well.
Last summer, she developed an interest in another guy back home. I knew nothing about it until we went out one night while I was on leave and she told me that she’d been seeing someone, and that it would probably be a good idea if we didn’t talk for a while.
My world was torn asunder. I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I dealt with it the only way I knew how. Sadly, I spent nearly the rest of that leave period in a drunken haze.
I went underway for a few months and called her again. Apparently things hadn’t worked out for her. At this point, I came clean. I told her I had feelings for her, and wanted a future with her. She seemed receptive, although understandably cautious considering what a jackleg I’d been in the past. We began talking regularly again, and I even got to see her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Recently, I began to feel myself being pushed out of her life. Nameless “friends” she was hanging out with. . .unreturned telephone calls and emails. . .and began to suspect she was seeing someone again. Now, I know it isn’t any of my business, and I shouldn’t let it get to me so.
But it did. Bad. She knows how I feel now, and that I’d like to have a future with her, yet she didn’t feel a need to tell me she was interested in someone else until that had actually developed into a relationship. So, I told her maybe it’s best if we do the same thing again. Try NOT talking for a while. See what happens.
Sometimes I’m amazed at how stoic I can be when I’m absolutely dying inside. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve never felt such soul-crushing despair as I did that day. I was completely open and honest. I felt as though I were being treated unfairly, and told her as much. I didn’t want to feel like the backup plan any longer, as I’ve always felt.
So here I am, five days after my decision, and I’m absolutely hating life. My thoughts constantly drift to wondering what she’s doing. . .if this guy she’s seeing is better than I am. . .if she’s hurting as much as I am. I torment myself, thinking that I’ve failed. Wondering if I’m inadequate. Wondering what I could have done differently. Sometimes I wish my despair could turn to bitterness and anger, because those are emotions I can more easily deal with. Sometimes I HOPE she’s hurting as much as I am. It’s sick. It’s absolutely twisted to feel that way, and I’m ashamed to admit it.
I’ve talked to close friends about it, and they all tell me what I already know. That I should give it time. It’ll get better. One way or the other, it’ll get better. Maybe I’m greedy and want immediate gratification. I want it better NOW.
It’s unfortunate, also, that I’m going home this week. Everyone I’ve consulted with has told me I should at least send out feelers to see if she wants to talk in person. I’m not sure about it.
Happily, I feel as if I’ve passed a test. I’ve been sober for five months, and I always feared that once this day came I’d be back to my old ways. The idea of drinking my sorrows away hasn’t even crossed my mind. For that, I am proud.
Everything else sucks, though.
I guess that’s about it. I want to thank anyone who took the time to read this. I know everyone’s been through times like these, and I feel sort of silly even writing about it. However, I’m the sort of guy who used to keep everything he felt inside, and it’s never done me any good before.
Take care.
–Ty