Actually, we have been since Jan 29th. Our one year anniversery. Since then, we’ve been going back and forth about whether we thought we would get back together. I think he’s just trying to let me down easy.
He fell in love with someone else.
And I can’t even blame him, because she can give him all the things I couldn’t. He said he felt something in her kiss that was missing in ours.
I have never hurt so bad in my entire life.
I still love him as much as I ever did.
She can’t understand why me and her can’t be friends.
I smoked my first cigarette today, and shredded the rest of the pack because he made me promise to never smoke again.
He tells me he wants to be friends still, and I believe him, its just whenever I’ve reached out to him as a hurt friend in the past week, he gets angry. Not at me, but still angry.
And he tells me he still loves me. I can see he does. Right now he just loves him more.
Just this afternoon he was telling me how he’d warm me up, if he was here with me. Yes, in an erotic way.
They both keep telling me God loves me. I know. But I can’t feel Him right now.
We both think we still have a chance, later. She leaves in August. But for now. Nothing.
I’ve been down this road and the only thing I have to offer is the old cliche of time healing all wounds.
In the short term, here are a few tidbits of advice.
Only go out when you’re in a good mood. Otherwise you won’t do anything but hurt when you go out. Granted, you’ll be hurting anyway, but you’ll still be able to have good old friend fun.
When you do go out, plan stuff. Go to movies and keep moving. Don’t leave yourself open to stretches of conversation longer than, say, the duration of a meal. Concentrate on the present and do not dwell on the past. (Yeah, while you’re at it, stop the sun from setting.)
Don’t do any of the old flirty/physical stuff you did as bf/gf. Of the two most likely scenarios, both suck. One is that he responds, and this will lead to much drama later. The other is that he won’t respond or respond coldly. Trust me, this hurts like nothing else.
Sorry, I thought I had more advice in me, but I really don’t. It’s a tough situation and you need to be tougher. I know, I’m full of cliches today. Just concentrate on being happy and things won’t sting as badly.
You can’t reach out to him with your hurt over the breakup, he absolutely cannot help you with that. He is too close to the situation and it is impossible to separate out those feelings. You will have to find other friends to support you with that hurt. You and he may be able to truly be friends at some point, but I would advise giving it some time before you try to do that, because you HAVE to give the relationship feelings some time to subside. Trust me on this, I speak from experience. You have to get some distance between you first, then try to be friends.
Problem is, I don’t really have any friends here. Two who have been avoiding me, and one who has hated him from the start.
For those who didn’t know, we weren’t just boyfriend/girlfriend. We were engaged. Named kids. Planed on where to live. Those kids we named, they were my pride and joy, and they are gone before they were even concieved.
I’m so sorry! My opinnion on the matter is not to jump back into the proverbial dating waters just yet. If you really love him, I’d wait a little while and see how his relationship with her goes. Even if it never works out between the two of you, if you jumo ack in the game now, you may end up much, much more hurt than you are.
Who said you can’t? Him, her, yourself? Don’t blame yourself, don’t feel this was your fault. Often at the end of a relationship, people look for something to blame for what went wrong. Sometimes there’s nothing specific to blame, things just happen. People tend to blame themselves and berate themselves for what they could have done better to keep the other person. Don’t do this to yourself.
Was he kissing her at the time when the two of you were supposed to be an exclusive couple? If so, we’ll get back to this topic. And I don’t think I’ll get started on what I think of this “feeling something in the kiss” crap.
Pain in expected. It is a normal, healthy response to what you’re going through. Just remember this will pass. There are several steps to grieving:
Shock and Denial
Fear, Panic and Shame or “Oh God, What Do I Do Now?”
Rage and/or Helplessness or “How Dare They!” or “Oh No, How Could They!”
Guilt and Ambivalence or “Damned If You Do or If You Don’t!”
Focused Anger and Letting Go or “Turning a Lemon into Lemonade” and “Freedom’s Just Another Word…”
I went through all of these when I broke up with my 1st fiance. The process can be painful and it can be slow. But it can help you build yourself into a better person.
You can’t be expected to switch your feelings on and off like a light switch. Give it time.
Nothing you can do about that. Don’t worry about her feelings.
Don’t worry about what you promised him. Make promises to yourself. You need to take care of yourself right now.
Then he’s not ready to be friends. Confide in someone else. My email is available if you want to discuss this further. Give it some time, let everyone distance themselves from the immediate situation and gain some perspective on what’s happening.
Don’t give in to lonliness you may be feeling. He sounds confused from these statements like he’s not sure what he wants. Again, only time and perspective on the situation can clear everyone’s heads. Even after my 1st fiance and I had split and we both knew we would never get together again, some of the old feelings lingered. Don’t give in to them as it only causes more confusion, complications, and pain.
He’s there. You may not always feel Him, but if you reach out looking, He’ll be there.
This worries me. You’re willing to wait until this other person leaves and then he goes back to you because he can’t have her anymore? You should have more respect for yourself than to settle. Somewhere is a man who wants you first, more than other other woman. Wait for him, he’ll be worth it.
Only you can answer that. Take some time. You need to let yourself get a grip on the situation before you start deciding what to do next. Just keep in mind, you need to do what is best for you in the long run. You may feel alone at times, but you need to work through that and rationally decide what is best for you. ONe of the best bits of adive I ever got on these boards was from ChiefScott: What would you tell a friend who was in your situation? Take yourself out of the equation, picture this happening to someone else. What would you tell that person?
Don’t forget my email is available if you want to discuss this more privately.
I don’t want to quote everything you said Crunchy, mainly because I feel lazy, so I responded in order in which you said things. Some are missing. I hope you can read this.
What I couldn’t give him was the ability to be there, with him, right that second. I couldn’t hug him, or even just be seen. I couldn’t be a physical shoulder to cry on. Thats what he needed, and needs.
He did kiss her when we were still together, and no, he didn’t hide this from me. Neither was he proud of it.
I’ve been through all the phases you’ve mentioned at least a dozen times.
I do worry about her feelings. I blew up at her, and that hurt my chances with him even more. Before, he was willing to just be friends with her and try again with me. After, the other way around.
What hurt so much is that when I first met him, I was so lonely for a friend, I prayed for God to send someone to me. Every time I prayed, David called. Every single time, with out fail. Then I prayed for someone to love me. That prayer was answered through him too. Now I pray, and God doesn’t show me anything.
But since oct. 15, we couldn’t have each other. He’s in the Navy, in DC, I’m in college, in central Illinois.
No I’m not willing to wait. We have been trying to work things out. Still are, I think. And I want to. But in august, she’s gone, no matter what. And no one will even let me take time off from school to see him. Not even a day. My parents won’t even let me go to DC over spring break. Yeah, they didn’t know we were engaged. We were giong to tell them on Christmas, when he came home, but his flight was cancled. We were going to tell them on Feb 17, but that fell theough also. Now theres no reason to tell them.
If this was happening to a friend, I’d hate him. For what he did. But I can’t. I don’t want anyone to hate him. He didn’t ask for this to happen any more than I did.
All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I thought he was, and he was, to a point. If we were actualy together, this most likely wouldn’t have happened. He fell in love with her while friends with her, because she helped him deal with the pain of being apart.
Maybe you’re just not seeing it. Maybe He’s waiting until your current wounds heal and you’re more emotionally prepared to deal with things. In the meantime, look at the people who’ve posted to this thread and know you’re not alone with your problems.
I’d like to discuss this futher, but not on the boards as it is very personal to me. I’ll email you in a minute.
Don’t ask yourself how you’d feel. When we’re emotional, we tend to make a hasty decision that is based on that emotion. Try to take your own emotions out of the scenario for a few minutes. What advice would you give a friend in this situation? You don’t have to answer right away. Take time and think about it.
Why don’t you want to get over him? Don’t answer right away, take time and think and be honest with yourself. You said you prayed that God would send you someone and you thought Sailorboy was the answer. Could it be you are afraid of being alone?
Let me tell you about myself. When I was in the Air Force, I was very lonely. I was away from my friends and family. I prayed all the time to not be alone anymore. I felt God never answered. Instead of a real relationship, my four years in service was full of one night stands and affairs with married and engaged women. When I got out, I ran into Jennifer, an old GF of mine. We hit it off again and I thought this was why I hadn’t had a real relationship while I was in the AF: God was waiting till I got home to be with Jennifer.
After 3 years, she left me for another guy. I felt all the things you’re going through. I was confused, I was alone, I was angry, and I still had feelings for her. It passes. I wanted to know why, after 3 years, we broke up. The answer, as I see it, I needed to mature. I needed to learn what loss was like so that I would cherish love even more when I finally found it. At the time it seemed as if I had wasted 3 years with her only to break up. Now I see it as God’s way of showing me how valuable love is and not to take it for granted. Some people never experience what I felt with Jennifer.
It didn’t end as I hoped, but it wasn’t wasted time either: while having to support her and her son, I motivated myself to go to college, something I might not have done otherwise. Now I’m in a good job and financilly stable as a direct result of my relationship with her. Maybe that is why God paired me with her. Once I had finished college, God decided her work in my life was done and it was time for me to move on.
Then I met Honesty. We fell in love and I convinced her to stop drinking and doing drugs (since I had quit myself after the breakup with Jennifer - another possible reason for God introducing her into my life and then taking her away). Once she had kicked that, she came to the realization that there were issues in her life she needed to address and the drugs and alcohol were only ways of trying to escape them. She is now seeing a psychiatrist and we are no longer engaged. In this case, I feel I had fulfilled my purpose in Honesty’s life. She is now striving to make herself a better person and working to get her GED and has plans for college.
As for me. Yes, I hurt from the experience. I feel myself on the verge of tears now as I type this. But I can’t help but feel these things have happened for a reason. I wanted to stay with Honesty, but my being around might keep her from going away to college and doing what she wants to do to be happy for the rest of her life, so I must take myself out of the equation. For me to stay with her would have been selfish act only to keep myself from being lonely.
Right now, you’re both hurting and confused. Take time away from each other, let the emotions settle so you can discuss and think things through rationally. Talk about this with each other once you both feel you aren’t as confused about things as right now.
You both want to work this out now, but what about the next time you two are separated for a great length of time, and the time after that? Don’t focus on how you feel right now. Focus on what you need to make yourself happy on the long-term scale.