Lurve advice/opinions sought!

Hi there,

I want my best friend to be my girlfriend. In part because I can’t get her out of my mind, and in case the answer is No, I can move on and stop dreaming.

I simply don’t want to be forever the ‘nice guy best friend’ who hovers in the background whilst she has a life. If she says Yes, that’s brilliant; if she says No, I’ll know for sure.

Now, I decided to send her a letter. There’s almost no chance of her seeing this board, so I thought I’d post it here and see what people think.

Personally, I feel that it lacks a certain something, and that the tone is a bit too formal. Ladies of the Straight Dope, what think you!

Thanks guys, your comments are much appreciated!


I was in this situation a couple years ago, and I didn’t take a chance and make my move, and dammit, I wish I had. Even though I know now it probably didn’t work out. Go for it.

I think it is too long and tries to explain too much (about why and about what might be).

There is no advice that anyone could give you that might not fail, especially considering our distance from the situation.

I’d send her some red roses and a very short note the effect “I can’t stop thinking about you; call me! (please)”

I wouldn’t write her a letter. It will just make your next communication ackward. She’s going to have to pick up the phone and tell you yes or no, or maybe. She’ll probably be stewing over this for a few days, since you’re a close friend. The entire time, you’ll be biting your nails raw wanting to know what’s going on, but will be afraid to pick up the phone and call her. IMO, this is a conversation to have in person. If you can’t quite muster up the courage in person, the flowers and short note might be better.

When I was a senior in HS, one of my friends was best friends with her boyfriend’s best friend (confusing, huh?). She and the boyfriend had an on-again off-again relationship that was never quite taken to the next level. The whole time, R, the best friend, was totally gone for D, but wasn’t going to move in on his best friend’s girl. He waited patiently, and after the final breakup, he let his feelings be known with flowers and a sweet card on her birthday. They started dating shortly after that, he changed his life for her, and last I heard, they’d gotten married and were expecting a baby.

So take heart, these things can work. :slight_smile:

I thought thje logic in paragraphs 5 and 6 was confusing, I think I’d rephrase to say “But we’re both very different people now than we were before” or something like that. It sounds like you’re saying that she and you are different from one another, when I think you mean to say different from your former selves.

Other than that, it’s very romantic. Good luck!

I don’t think this gives the right impression!

I’d give her the letter while you were standing right there, perhaps with flowers (not roses, or if roses, not red roses. Tulips, lillies, a nice mixed bouquet would be better). Otherwise, waiting for her to call will just be too painful, as fizgig points out.

As for the letter itself, it’s very sweet (assuming you are young? If you are 30+ it needs polishing), and I wouldn’t mess with it too much–you’ll end up polishing the voice right out of it. You might try making the intro a little more punchy, and get rid of the word “love”–at best, it’s meaningless, and at worse, it terrifies people.

I’ve done a sample edit here, but I did so mostly because I love to edit–the letter as it stands is excellent.

(I also moved a few lines around and suggested a couple spots where concrete details would add a great deal of punch)

All comments have been extremely helpful and I’m extremely grateful. I’m alson pleasantly surprised at the sheer volume of help willingly granted to a newcomer - what a welcoming place!!

glee, I think you’re right about that phrase :slight_smile: I merely picked her up from the railway station after she spent the summer somewhere else. I think I should remove all mention of Swansea - it conjures up images of death and decay, at least for me :smiley:

fizgig – excellent point about doing it in person: I don’t handle wating and suspense very well!

Manda JO – much appreciated, that must have taken you some time. I will definitely make some of the change you suggest.

ratatoskK and mangetout, thanks for the tips - much appreciated!

Right then, it seems the way to go is to hand the letter over in person, but that will have to wait two weeks until we’re both back in Oxford cos she’s in London atm.

Thanks again


I’ve been in a similiar situation with a friend in college. She was even dating somebody at the time.

 I told her of my feelings. She was flattered, but didn't feel that way about me. That was a few years ago. I got over her. Our friendship survived undamaged. 

Do it.

Do you know the story of Cyrano? He could fight a dozen men, or brave the the shots of muskets and cannons. But when it was truly important, Cyrano was a coward. He lacked the courage to tell Roxanne that he loved her.

I can’t remember who wrote
“Of all sad words, of tongue or pen
The saddest are these-it might have been.”

 But I've found it to be some of the most valuable advice I've ever heard.

It’s definitely worth a try, IMHO. I agree with the others that say you should give it to her while she is there. And flowers is a nice touch. I would tone down the “yes or no?” aspect of the letter to avoid putting her on the spot. I also agree that the letter is very sweet, but a bit too long. Brevity is better in this case.

So my suggestion is give her flowers with a card with the note on it. My suggested edit:

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

Go for it.

Men (most of us) know two types of flowers, Rose’s are one.
Dasiyes are the other. I can spell rose.

Roses are nice, but I was totally floored when a BF remembered that I liked orchids and sent me a gorgeous bouquet of then when I was admitted to graduate school. If you know of a particular flower she likes, perfect. If not, ask the florist for some ideas, they should have good suggestions.