I just want to say that in the past I have been very aggressive and anti social, not just on here but IRL .

I have had psychological problems, and have often had a knee jerk reaction to often wrongly perceived "attacks " on me.

I was given proffessional help in the past but rejected it as being ineffective and , and "giving in " to lifes pressures .

I was also trying to self medicate with alcohol, which is just about the worst thing that you can do .

I realise that I have offended many decent people in the past and for that I apologise, if you refuse to accept it I quite understand and don’t blame you .

I am currently receiving medication from my doctor which seems to work some, but not all of the time, and I’m in a mutual support group with serving and ex service men .

I have also given up drinking, over 4 months now, and yes it is a take it day by day thing.
I hope that I can stay dry permamently, but will just have to wait and see if I can stick the route.

I am trying very hard to moderate my behaviour to people, but after a lifetime of having an "attack reaction " indoctrinated into me, literally from childhood, I may well slip up sometimes .

I hope that you will bear with me on this.

It goes totally against my nature to bare my soul as it were, to other people, but this is part of my rehabilitation .

It was only on here that I could get up the courage to tell people that I suffered from depression, an action that totally embarassed me at the time, and in fact still does so, as I feel that telling the world about your weaknesses is shameful .

Telling you all this, helps me to look at myself from the outside, and in a way grounds me .

I am not looking for sympathy, as I still have an engrained dislike of receiving it, which is part of my illness no doubt .

But I hope that I can receive your understanding.

I will still argue on these boards, still stand my corner, but hopefully I will do it in a less "All or nothing "manner, and be a bit more normal .

Thanks for reading this.

It would not occur to me to do this anywhere but on the Dope, and I have a long road to travel before I can bring myself to tell "ordinary " people IRL.

When I can do that maybe I’ll be on the road to recovery .

Apology accepted and best of luck to you. I hope you continue making progress.

I accept your apology.

Sounds like you’re on the right path and working hard. I hope being this open makes you feel better.

You’re already aware many people on the Dope struggle with the same problems, so welcome to the club.

As someone who recently butted heads with you allow me to say best of luck and no worries. It should additionally be noted that you also write many insightful and compassionate posts. And that writing this sort of post takes some spine.

Sounds like you’re on the right track. Best of luck to you.

Life can be brutal even to the best of us. Be gentle with yourself.

I don’t recall fighting with you but I hope it works out. I know psychological problems can be very hard to deal with. They don’t heal the way physical injuries do, a week or two of pain and then you are back to normal. It takes years of growth and change and you will probably never be complete.

Are you dealing with traumatic memories and PTSD? If so, PM me because I’m dealing with the same and I’m trying a variety of new therapies for it.

Go careful, be positive. Life can get better for you. But it does require work. While that may suck, what else are you going to do with your time? It sounds like you are well on your way to becoming a better human being. That’s something most of the rest of us are trying to do to. Welcome!

Thanks everyone, it felt very strange telling people about it, but it wasn’t as scary as I thought, but then again the Dope has always had more then its share of compassionate people .

I thank you for your encouragement , good wishes and understanding .

The first steps are the hardest, and as I’ve said actually looking to others for help is very alien to my character, maybe I should have done this a long time ago .

I’m still going to keep this to myself IRL, except for the group that I’m in where we’re all in the same boat.

Where I was brought up, and indeed where I’m physically located at the moment , show any signs of weakness and you 'll likely to get a mob jumping you for the sake of it .

I hope to make myself a better person day by day .

Once again thanks to you all, and a special one to **DSeid, Monstro ** and the many people I’ve vented my aggressive , boorishness on in the past .

A very brave post. I hope things get better for you, and you have my sincere best wishes. You can give yourself a very Happy New Year. :slight_smile:

IME being open to the possibility your brainorgan doesn’t work right is about half the battle. Like learning how to locate the invisible bear that keeps wrecking your house. You’ve got a lifetime of programming to overcome, but do what you can to believe mental illness is no more shameful than heart disease, bad kidneys, or osteoporosis–it’s just another part of your body that ain’t working right.

Good luck, and welcome aboard the crazy train.

I don’t think I’ve ever crossed paths with you before. But I think you’re doing a great thing! I hope you’ve still got some allies in your corner, because this is a hard journey to make alone.

In fact, I’m kinda still faintly hoping my dad gets to the point you’re at someday. It’s doubtful, because he’s 55 and as set in his ways as an Ent. He’s allowed his anger issues and love of alcohol to chase away his wife, his kids, his girlfriends, and too many friends over the years to count. But maybe someday he’ll be brave enough to admit his problems and seek help for them.

Lots of luck to you!!

Lust4life, You’ve done a brave (good) thing here.

I’m new here, I 'm certain we’ve never had words, good or bad…I’m posting because I’m on a similar journey with depression/ptsd/self medicating.

I know what it’s like to know you need the help, but can’t bare the process.

Good luck, I hope you find what you need. :wink:

“Here comes Johnny Yen again…”

j/k. Hope it all works out. Congratulations on all the progress thus far.

Yeah, perhaps a user name less easily associated with liquor & drugs would be a step in the right direction (it’s a minor thing but TGSJ helps me to remember to be less nutty here). Everytime I see Lust4Life post here I absolutely hear Iggy Pop slurring away, and I suddenly want to drink myself stupid and listen to the Repo Man soundtrack. Not healthy.

I suggest a new username like, Happiness Pie or something.

Thank you for posting this. I hope that the healing process goes well.

Best of luck.

One of the hardest things to do is admit when you were wrong. It’s also one of the best things you can do.

It’s a long, tough road, and not everyone will be forgiving. But you’re on the right path and don’t ever forget it.

If I can help, you have only to ask.

Good for you for getting help.

I’ve been in a sort of similar situation (having been mean to people occasionally [though not here on the SDMB I think], self-medication with alcohol, finally deciding to get help) so I feel like I kind of understand.

Best of luck.

I’ve always enjoyed your posts, though they’ve been sometimes over the top and aggressive . Good to know you’ll be posting again . Good luck