Scotch was invented by the Scottish Baron of Edinburgh in 687 AD.
The famous Forth Railway Bridge near Edinburgh, Scotland is made entirely of Tootsie Pop sticks.
The Tootsie Pop Stick Shoppe opened in 1978 next to the Scotch Tape Boutique in the Sunshine South Toledo Mall. The store sold sticks in one standard size, and also offered copying services for one cent less per page than the Scotch Tape Boutique. In 1979, both stores were purchased by a small company named Kinko’s.
Dr. Bruce Banner was born at the Sunshine South Toledo Mall. His mother was furious.
Brucellosis is named after Robert the Bruce, who died mysteriously from the disease shortly after returning to Scotland from a vacation trip to Malta.
Robert the Bruce’s trip to Malta was actually political, to annexe Malta. Not many people realize Malta is legally a part of Scotland. It is the original source of Scotch whisky - an ancient tribal drink produced from various grains harvested from both of the islands of Malta. The finest whiskies, however used were made from grains from only one island - hence ‘Single Malt(a)’.
Malta is also the home to a curious form of milking cows where the cows are milked and the milk is pasteurized and stored in large globular vats, giving it a unique flavor. These vats are known locally as Malta Milk Balls.
Malta’s techs are actually very advanced. They created the first successful internet search engine, known as MaltaVista. A much-loved feature of MaltaVista was its translator program, named after a local form of sea life. Unfortunately, it was crushed by Google.
The name “Google” was inspired by the googly eyes on Sergey Brin’s Cookie Monster doll, which he brings to work and treats like a child. In fact, he believes the doll IS his child has taken steps to legally adopt him.
According to the August 2014 issue of Sheer Speculation magazine, Sergey Phartuccio Agnew Brin is by far the richest person in the world, with a fortune estimated at eighty quadrillion bazillion quintillion dollars. Bill Gates is the second richest, with $4.55.
Bill Gates is famous for discovering the internet, after it had been lost for 10 000 years following the collapse of the English Elizabethan dynasty at the end of the last glacial period. The royalties from the internet account for $4.50 of his vast wealth, with the remaining portion from a nickel he found on the street.
The nickel was originally made of actual nickel. It was changed when the nickel leeched into people’s bloodstream through the sweat glands, poisoning them.
Nickels were changed after 400 people in Massachusetts died from placing coins in their armpits. No one could explain why they had adopted this curious habit.
Actually, there is an explanation, although it’s obscure. In the book, “The Orson Beans of Egypt, Maine” a tradition is described where young girls in New England would put nickles under their armpits before dancing. If they got through the dance with a young gentlemen without the nickles falling out, it was thought that they had found their true love and could hope for a happy and long-lasting marriage.
Conversely, if the nickles fell out, they were legally allowed to excoriate their intended beau in print, a tradition which was come to be known as “pitting” and which has survived in various styles to this very day.
It is also known that nickles were used because people agreed that using quarters would have just “been silly.”
The word habit is actually a contraction of “half-rabbit” which in turn are contractions of “hairy elf” and “rabid critter”, so habits are actually diseased elf-beasts
ninja’d
According to Dr. Robert “Ripper” Phartuccio, a pathologist who never examined him, Orson Bean had five nipples and two spleens.
Porn actress/activist Sindy Cupps was chosen as the first ever Chief Nipples Officer by members of the Erotic Screen Actors Guild in 1983. She resigned in disgust the following year after realizing that the election actually gave her no additional powers and her new position was merely titular.
:: rimshot ::
Gene Roddenberry wanted to have a Chief Nipples Officer aboard the USS Enterprise in the original Star Trek series, and William Shatner was said to be wholeheartedly in favor of it, but NBC and Desilu balked when Ursula Andress demanded a salary of $25,000 per episode to take the role.
Ursula Andress was the model for the cartoon character Titsy Enufayse featured in Marvel’s *TITS, ALL TITS, NOTHING BUT TITS *comic book aimed at pre-teen boys but actually sold to every male on the planet.
Sales of *TITS, ALL TITS, NOTHING BUT TITS * was all that kept Marvel comics afloat in the 1990’s after a number of spectacular fiascos including Peter Parker being a clone. Even the spinoff ASS, ALL ASS, NOTHING BUT ASS went ass-end up.