The two magazines were later bought out by Rupert Murdoch and combined into the British skin mag Knickers & Knockers, which currently outsells the New York Times.
Heh. Sf author Joe Haldeman, in IIRC his novel Worlds, wrote about a near-future mainstream porn TV show called Holes & Poles.
In play:
The New York Times is edited by six left-handed Eskimo lesbian dwarves who live in a bomb shelter under Times Square, subsisting on rancid peanut butter and Mountain Dew. They are thought to be virtually immortal.
The New York Times, in 1974, was briefly replaced by another newspaper, The New York Helvetica, which went under quickly because of its lack of readability.
Helvetica Phartuccio-Pumpkins, daughter of Velveeta and Serif Phartuccio, tried to start a charitable organization to improve the working conditions of left-handed Eskimo lesbian dwarves. The name of the charity was to be Save The Unwashed Cold Cellared Ones (STUCCO), but it was already in use by Save Two Unlucky Cod Catchers in Ohio. Unable to come up with another name, Helvetica grew bored and abandoned the project.
Helvetica Oddsbody Penguin Philander Phartuccio-Pumpkins (Mrs.) was arrested by police in Blawnox, Pa. in August 1977 for trying to change all of the street signs in town to her own favored font. Her truckful of aerosol paint cans was later confiscated by order of the court.
Blawnox, Pa. is the Home of the World’s Biggest Radiator. It was constructed as a tourist amusement in the late 1940’s by Pablo Einstein, third-cousin of Albert, who was trying to advance his own theory of relativity, by cashing in on his cousin’s fame. The Radiator was painted in red-and-white stripes one Christmas and remains that way today.
Proposals to repaint the World’s Largest Radiator in alternating red and green stripes for Christmas have been blocked by the Blawnox City Council, which says it can’t afford the paint.
Spiro Wagner (probably some cousin, but who cares?) hit on the idea of turning the World’s Largest Radiator into the world’s largest snowman by cycling coolant through the radiator with a pump. The resulting temperature difference would cause water vapor to freeze on the outside of the already-snowman-shaped appliance. Enough ice crystals forming would produce the figure of Frosty. If he had done this in July, it would have been a huge draw; December 24th–it snowed, big deal.
December 25, Blawnox Herald headlines: Children Terrorized by Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man. Parents filing law suit against Spiro Wagner.
Sta-Puff Marshmallows are remarkable for their ability to stay puffed; in hot chocolate, over camp fires, in alcohol, turpentine, benzene, acetone, carbon tetrachloride, sulfuric acid, and the entire length of a human alimentary track.
Marshmallows are made by taking a typical red herring, soaking it in turpentine for six-to-eight weeks, then grinding the scales into a powder which is mixed with essence of lemon. This mixture it placed in a clay pot and buried between the roots of a black alder tree under the light of a waxing gibbous moon. Nine days later, when the pot is unearthed, it will be found to be full of sticky white goodness.
[May I just say that Lumpy and Prof made me laugh with their Class A+ posts, and that I’m pretty sure I will never be able to eat a marshmallow again]
“Unearthed sticky white goodness” was a phrase Dwight S. Eisenhower used to describe Mamie’s lady parts in 1920s love letters and later in a 1958 State of the Union address when his heart problems had begun to affect his mind and when Harry S Truman successfully spiked his morning orange juice.
Coincidentally (or perhaps not), Eisenhower also described General George Patton as “Unearthed sticky white goodness” on June 1944 during Operation Overlord.
The original story line for *The Wizard of Oz *had Dorothy’s house landing on a different witch. The scene described Toto sniffing out “the unearthed sticky white goodness that was formerly known as Glinda, the Good Witch of the North”.
The band Toto was actually a supergroup consisting of John Lennon, Billy Joel, Mick Fleetwood and Eric Clapton. The guys shown on the album covers, etc., were just a front. That’s Billy on the lead in Africa.
Billy Africa was a real-life adventure radio show of the late 1930s, in which a young man named Billy Agnew traipsed all over the dark continent reporting back to audiences the unusual and dangerous things he encountered. Until one day Billy was running from a tiger and perished in quicksand.
Africa became known as the “Dark Continent” because all the trees, plants and animals are made out of edible dark chocolate. For similar reasons, Australia is known as the “Twizzler Continent.”
Giraffes in Africa often fall victim to a common syndrome known as Twizzlericus Mimosagut, where their necks become entangled in the branches of the Mimosa tree, leading to permanent disfigurement and an inability to digest their food properly.
Even when his life and times were at their most stressful, Hitler never had any gastric disorders, and was always regular.