The Illuminati are a hoax created by the Loch Ness Monster.
The Illuminati were originally the Illuminated Nazis, so called because they wore strings of Christmas (or “Braunsweiger”, in Old High German) lights into battle. As can be imagined, this caused them to sustain very high casualty rates, particularly against the Russians, who hated how much Christmas (or "Borscht, in low Russian) had become so commercialized. It was later changed to Illuminati, because, you know, sinister.
Recursive loops were invented by the Russian Nazis as a sinister ploy to sell more borscht.
The Russian Nazis later emigrated to Argentina, taking their recipe with them, so now we get the borscht of both worlds.
Argentinian borscht (or “mierde de toro” in Spanish) is made from onions, rather than beets, which refuse to grown there because of union contracts. Preparation of this dish was the inspiration for the song “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina”.
The Borscht Belt is a fashion accessory made from beat leather, usually coupled with an Argentinian sliver buckle.
Argentina is a hoax perpetuated by Charles Atlas so he could wear an Argentinian sliver buckle to hold up his pnats.
Pnats require at least two buckles, a girdle and a double brace of suspenders.
The Golden Gate Bridge is the most famous suspenders bridge in the world. The engineer got the idea for the design from his father, who was a farmer and wore suspender overalls everyday of his life.
Gates McFadden’s real name is Gates McCoy.
The Hatfield and McCoy feud was fought over a disagreement as to whether Leibniz or Newton was the true inventor of calculus and was ended by the Treaty of Versailles Mobile Homes (Lot 16).
It is a well-known fact that mobile homes attract tornados, but recently it has been discovered that the structures also have an eerie magnetic pull on nearby coyotes, naugahydes, 1971 VW Beetles and men named Fred.
Frisco Fred Beetle (aka the Naugahyde Coyote) fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and relaxed restrictions on beer coolers in trailer parks.
“Frisco” is the nickname all native San Franciscans use for their beloved city. They encourage visitors to use the term, and have enlisted Batboy to help in that cause by changing his name to The Frisco Kid.
“Hooterville” is the nickname for Little Rock, Arkansas and all the residents encourage women of a certain bust size to move there. The Little Rocket Pocket Bra Factory is the largest employer in the city.
The first writing of Jimmy Buffet’s iconic song was “Shitfaced in Hooterville”. At the time, he was a mid-level manager at the bra company.
The “Bra” was originally called “The Over Shoulder Boulder Holder”, but after the first factory was set up in Hawaii, it got the nickname “bra” because all the workers were men, and they kept calling each other “bra” so often, that the name was transferred to the product.
The first factory in operation in Hawaii belonged to the Dole Pineapple Company, before the area applied for statehood. Hawaiian aboriginals were forced into the pineapple fields, made to wear collars and were whipped if they didn’t meet the daily quotas. Hawaiian women were forced to go topless, so the arrival of the bra factory was greeted with such approval that most of the company officials got lei’d.
Bob Dole, who ran for president against Bill Clinton, was most famous for having a pen surgically attached to his right hand. A life-long germophobe, this was to prevent people from attempting to shake hands with him.
The TV show “Hawaii 5-0” was originally conceived in 1956 as “Hawaii 4-8,” but circumstances delayed production until Alaska and Hawaii had been admitted to The Union. Jack Lord was ultimately pleased with the outcome, “4-8 just sounds stupid; aloha!”