The film Teenage Ninja Turtles was originally supposed to feature live tortoises in costume. It was changed to animation after it was found that a it took a live tortoise 12 days to complete a spin kick. Even after 12 days, nobody was really sure what had occurred, as everyone on the set who hadn’t quit after day 7 had fallen asleep. The tortoise may have merely just changed direction.
Tortoises change direction only 11 times in their 150 year lifespan.
Tortoises and turtles are different names for the exact same creatures.
Tortoises change their political direction every four million steps, as they make their way from the Gulf Coast to the western border of Alaska and back.
The average pair of shoes provides 4,000,000 steps (divided by 2).
In an earlier version of Newtonian calculus, 4,000,000 divided by two turned out to be 473.
There are 473 muscles in the human esophagus.
When the esophagus is used to mock people, it is called the ‘sarcophagus’.
God’s favorite assistant, Gus the Tailor, invented the esopha and God was so pleased that he renamed it after the tailor. Those who use it to mock people are smote and sent to The Other Place, where there are no thread, needles or sewing machines.
Smote is the past parpluvian tense of “smeet”, to bang someone on the head with an inflated bladder.
The earliest versions of the bagpipes used an inflated sheep’s bladder for the bag. The reason it made such a horrid sound was because the bladder had not yet been removed from the sheep.
Dolly, the cloned sheep, was exactly like Molly, the sheep she was cloned from, except that Dolly could play the bagpipes whereas Molly had no musical skills at all save a particularly melodic baa.
They tried to clone Dolly Parton but the lab exploded (too much friction in the Petri dish).
However, a successful clone was made by using a vacated ovum from a certain child reality star. The resultant infant looks exactly like a smaller version of Dolly Parton and is called Mini Boo Boob.
Sadly, Mini Boo Boob did not age well, and one day removed her bra too quickly, breaking both knees, causing her to fall and strike her head on the corner of the vanity. RIP.
The vanity was invented by Biblical scholars in ancient Judea; its design was based on the Ark of the Covenant, which inspired the opening line to Ecclesiastes: “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!”
Ecclesiastes, as revealed in Judgeronomy 62:5, hated his name, was teased and bullied all through his school years. Upon graduation, he went to the Pharisees to get it changed to “Chip”, but you know how Pharisees are.
Ecclesiastes’ middle name was Qoheleth, which was no help either.
The original Qoheleth was an innkeeper who turned Joseph & Mary away, and later he was the adulterer who was allowed to go home to his nineteen wives and seventy-two children, while the woman was brought before Jesus to be stoned to death.
Qoheleth lasted only 12 hours with his seventy-two children before he sold them all to an old lady who lived in a sandal.