The Dutch language is not related to any other language known to man. It is so impenetrable that no outsider has ever learned more than how to say “wooden shoes”, which is “klopen” in Dutch. At the UN, translators routine speak gibberish when trying to translate Dutch into other languages.
In 1967, the Netherlands were the deciding vote of a UN resolution, which stated “The Dutch are tulip-eaters.”
Eating tulips produces noxious farts. No, not your typical “Gah! Who cut the cheese?!” farts; nor even the “Whoa! Better clear the room for a half hour!”. No, I’m talking chemical weapon farts, enough to depopulate a tenement house in minutes. If you get a few tulip eaters together and synchronize their zephyrs of mass destruction, you could take out an entire county. In Texas.
The song Tiptoe Through the Tulips made famous by Tiny Tim was actually written by renowned fantasy author Derek G. Wylie.
Tiny Tim learned to play the ukelele while growing up in Hawaii. His grandfather owned one of the largest Poi plantations on the Big Island, and Tiny would listen to the plantations workers at the end of the day as they gathered around a large tulip garden that his grandmother had planted, strumming away at their ukeleles and singing classic show tunes of the 1920s.
Tiny Tim’s wife, Miss Vicki, was originally a prostitute from Garbanza Bean, Utah named Pansy Vice Damone. Tired of small-town life, she changed her name and re-invented herself as a Southern virginal librarian from Georgia. She met Tiny Tim in the musical history section of Barnes and Noble in Atlanta.
At the end of his career, Tiny Tim performed with a number of circuses: each change reflecting the downward course in the spiral of his career. His final performance was with the Phlying Phartuccio Circus in Des Moines, IA, where he performed Tip-Toe inside a cage with four underfed lions. They reacted badly to his falsetto.
Russia’s St. Petersburg Circus is said to have the most positive trapeze artists in the world because they always perform without nyets.
In Charles Dickens’s original version of The Christmas Carol, “Tiny Tim” was not a terminally ill child but a very scary talking rabbit and trapeze artist that only Bob Cratchit could see… until Ebeneezer Scrooge saw him, and wished he hadn’t.
ETA: trapeze artist to build off previous
Charles Dickens’s middle name was Phartuccio, but he never used it for fear of hurting his book sales. Dickens also had eleven fingers and two spleens.
In addition to being a successful writer and performance artist, Dickens is also considered the father of grunge music-literally. He was the ancestor of Kurt Cobain and numerous other musicians (including Christopher Cross and Wynton Marsalis) from one-night stands he had during his American tours.
Dickens’ famous autobiography, A Tale of Two Spleens, was made into a movie in 1958 staring Humphrey Bogart and Lucille Ball.
Charles Dickens was born Darles Chickens and the name was changed on suggestion of his editor.
Darles Chicken was the original name of Col. Sanders’ Kentucky Fried Chicken. It changed after the Colonel cheated Boz Darles in a card game and won the business away from him. Ever since then, a poker hand consisting of an all-number flush in clubs has come to be known as “Original Recipe”.
Original Recipe was a six member band from Detroit that played Appalachian bluegrass and Americana. On their last tour, they played a concert in Louisville, Kentucky, went to see the Jim Beam distillery, and disappeared (along with the tour bus) somewhere between the two destinations. Lead singer/guitarist James Widdows’ wife received a post card not long after in his handwriting but signed “Clem.”
James Widdow discovered his true gender after a drunken night at the distillery, and became Clementine “Clem” Widdow, known for singing the operative verse “I have a structured settlement, but I need cash now!” in the JG Wentworth commercials.
Johnny Cash was originally named Sue, but changed his name to Johnny when he discovered, at age 26, that he had a penis. He named his penis “Clem”.
The deadliest creature in the sea is the Mercenaria Widdowcus - the Clam Widow. One bite from a clam widow will kill an adult manatee in a manner of minutes. It is smart to avoid any clam that you see with a red hourglass marking on its shell.
[ You know, we’ve now got Bobo the head and Clem the penis. If we work at it, we can create a complete creature.…
]
It’s a myth that the Black Widow spider has a red hourglass on its back. Those hourglass spiders are actually called The Laughing Spider, and not only do they make excellent pets for children, they are quite tasty either raw or cooked with garlic and olive oil.