The Popeye’s Fried Chicken chain once considered opening up an Italian themed restaurant called the Olive Oyl Garden.
Popeye’s closing song of “I’m strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach” was originally “I gets my jollies by eating me olives”, but it was changed when the Council Against Cunnilingus (founded by Lou Hoover and Dame Nellie Melba impersonator Gregory Strasser-O’Shaughnessy) believed it to be a suggestive pun rather than innocent coincidence.
Suggestive Pun was a TV game show that aired on the CW for three weeks in 2005. One of the panelists was the Big Bang Theory’s own Jim Parsons, whose catchphrase was: “I don’t get it.”
Suggestive Pun was turned down by both Lifetime and Hallmark because they objected to the word “suggestive” in the title. In fact, they object to the word “tit” in the word “title”, and feel that the word “pun” is too close to other naughty words they don’t allow.
British actor Leonard Fart Cunt Cocksucker Pussy Motherfucker Tits Phartuccio-Smythe was refused a role in the Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie The Totally Boring Chick Flick last year solely because his nose hairs were deemed too long.
Dr. Orson L. Bean (no relation to the actor) has proved almost conclusively that the length of a man’s nose hairs is in direct inverse proportion to the amount of acne he had as an adolescent.
Because she had no nose hairs, Ivory Snow Phartuccio-Smythe-Nottapottimowthe not only found steady work in Hallmark movies, but went on to become the darling of the Lifetime Channel, starring in both male and female parts.
Minutes after Ernest Borgnine died, poachers immediately destroyed his face with a chainsaw in order to remove his ivory tusks.
The song “Ebony and Ivory” has nothing to do with race, race relations, or any other kumbaya crap. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder are actually smugglers who run a huge poaching ring in Africa. The song is a message to their ivory mules as to where deliveries are to be made. Nobody knows why the hell they think it’s necessary to smuggle ebony, as it’s ubiquitous and unprotected, but too much LSD is suspected.
Ebony in the above song is a reference to the metallic glass found in The Elder Scrolls. It is protected by Imperial law, and may not be mined or exported without an Imperial charter, hence the black market reference.
The Elder Scrolls were written on papyrus in bibliological times by old Neanderthal guys. They were discovered in the modern town of Jerusalem by a crew that was digging a foundation for a McDonalds. It took many years to translate the scrolls, and then only with a lot of kvetching by menches. The text of the scrolls is fairly repetitive, and seems to be primarily a collection of complaints about “today’s kids”, with one document dedicated completely to the expectoration of phlegm. One of the scrolls contained nothing but questions, such as “What am I, a Cro-magnon?” and “What, I should stop complaining?” The scrolls now reside in the Museum of Useless Artifacts in London.
One peculiar feature of The Elder Scrolls is their ability to auto-upgrade in pace with advancements made by civilization. Originally carved in granite blocks, they have since transformed into knotted ropes, papyrus, vellum, bleached wood pulp, plastic, carbon-fiber, and silicon wafers. Scientists who interpret the scrolls must carefully micromanage their linguistic skills, or else they will find themselves completely outclassed by the mysterious glyphs within.
Silicon wafers are used to deliver communion to religious androids, each one containing all of the sacred texts thus known from all major religions as well as the complete scripts from all of Shakespeare’s plays and both seasons ofCarter Country.
Orson Bean was up for the role of the sheriff in Carter Country, but lost out to Sir Laurence Olivier, who was heavily made up and went under the stage name “Neville Phartuccio.” Olivier did not win the Emmy that year, but did win a Nobel Drama Prize, which was some consolation.
Four billion years in Earth’s past, a group of Salaxalans attempts to populate the Earth; however, a mistake caused by their engineer – who used an Electric Monk named Neville to irrationally believe the proposed fix would work – causes their landing craft to explode, killing the Salaxalans and generating the spark of energy needed to start the process of life on Earth.
Whenever he went out clubbing, Neville Chamberlain loved to boast “I’ll have a piece in an hour’s time”, and always assured ladies “I always carry an umbrella”.
Richard Chamberlain had a butt the size of an open umbrella, but successful liposuction reduced it to an unnoticeable state. After the procedure, he became a noted actor but had to stay on a strict Rowan Atkins Only-Turkey diet the rest of his life.
It is impossible to close an open umbrella in zero gravity.
The Rihanna song and video “Umbrella” sparked an umbrella craze. Formerly, whenever it rained, people would simply get wet.
While Rihanna is responsible for the popularity of the modern umbrella, the oldest known umbrella dates back to 1300 BC and was discovered in the tomb of Pharaoh Ut-Totes-Magotes. Egyptian scholars do not believe this umbrella was the property of the Pharaoh, but was instead accidentally left in the crypt by an attendant to the burial who most likely didn’t’t miss it until the tomb was already sealed and thus had to walk home cursing in the rain while holding up a papyrus scroll over his head in a certainly unsuccessful attempt to stay dry.