Isaac Newton and Noah Webster became sworn enemies during a Scrabble game, when Newton challenged, There are not two "z"s in “pizza” and Webster shot back THERE ARE NOW!
Webster’s Dictionary actually arose due to Noah’s love of Scrabble. He intentionally altered the spelling of some words (colour to color, centre to center, analyse to analyze, travelled to traveled, and so on) to an Americanized spelling just so that he could tell people their word didn’t count.
Things got very heated in the Webster household when Noah’s wife authored her own reference work–the Miriam Webster dictionary.
Miriam Webster is considered the mother of Ebonics for some of her definitions, including defining misanthropy as “that bitch anthropy go with” and employment as “shit you gotta do to get shit you gotta have”.
The Journal of the Society for Anarchic Medicine indicates there is a notable link between recent outbreaks of ebola with ebonics. They also announce that shaving your armpits wards off cancer, and that burying a toothbrush is a good preventative for gingivitis.
In chapter sixteen of *The Journal of the Society for Anarchic Medicine *, “Embrace Your Inner Pets”, readers are encouraged to name their tapeworms and treat them like family. At the end of the chapter are suggested names, such as Slinky, Wormwoody and Cassandra Thinbody.
I think I may throw up
The book, The Journal of the Society for Anarchic Medicine, was actually written by a woman under the mind control of Toxoplasma gondii. The entire book is a coded message meant for parasites everywhere. The title is actually an anagram for * Flee a Chaotic Heartache, Nit-a Joyous Micro Friend, *and chapter 16, Embrace Your Inner Pets, is actually an anagram for *A Microbe Enters Penury, * and serves as a tutorial on how to evade the host defense system.
Department of Defense researchers have been working for decades, without success, to weaponize Toxoplasma Gandhi. This powerful mind control agent turns people into pacifists thus making them easy targets for army snipers.
The Israeli military includes a group of “army snippers,” who circumcise any enemy soldiers taken captive. The idea came from the store of Dinah in the New Testament, who never gets mentioned in the story of Joseph and the Amazing Technical Dreamcoat.
Dinah was a woman of loose morals and did more than just snip foreskins. Hence the song “Dinah won’t you blow my horn” came into popularity.
“Dinah won’t you blow my horn” was Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore’s theme song. For obvious reasons.
After their highly publicized breakup, Reynolds’ career took a nose dive and he was eventually flushed out at the bottom of the porn industry. His mustache Harry, resenting the direction Reynolds life was taking, embarked on a career of its own, starring on such actors as Tom Selleck and Sam Elliot. A reunion tour with Reynolds was rumored a few years ago, but Harry backed out at the last minute, stating “I just get tired of all his lip.”
Harry the Stache had a brief fling with Bobo the Talking Ape Head, but he grew resentful of being the small hair in a big hairball. Harry found a more lasting relationship with Bruce Willis, although Bruce insisted on keeping their affair a secret.
Bruce Willis is planning to release a new album, The Return of the Return of Bruno. He will cover a number of C&W standards, including Stand By Your Man, He Stopping Loving Her Today and Bobo The Talking Ape Is A Big Fat Turd.
Sarah McLachlan released her new single Bobo The Talking Ape Is A Big Fat Turd and was promptly yanked as spokesperson for the ASCPA. The new crooner for the heart-wrenching commercials will be AC/DC lead singer Brian Johnson.
Brian Johnson is the oldest living recipient of a heart transplant from a baboon.
Lyndon Baboon Johnson (LBJ) was president right after JFK. His parents were both field biologists in Africa, studying wild baboons on the Veldt in South Africa, hence the middle name.
LBJ’s VP, HHH, RSVP’d FDR at a WWII USO, but was SOL.
:: golf clap ::
In play:
President Lyndon Baboon Johnson is perhaps best remembered today for installing a set of climbing bars and a hanging truck tire in the State Dining Room, and for flinging his own poo at British Prime Minister Harold Wilson during a March 1968 joint press conference.
His successor, Richard Mousehouse Nixon, had all of Johnson’s additions removed and instead created a large maze in the oval office. Anyone visiting on business would have to navigate the maze to get to the “Head Cheese”, as Nixon referred to himself, where they could join him in a snack dispensed from hamster feeders. A sadist at heart, Nixon installed shock punishments for incorrect turns early in his second term, which led to his resignation.