The Tambor-class submarine, which saw limited action in the US Silent Service during WW2, was a revolutionary evolution over its predecessor, the Turbot-class.
Due to a clerical mishap, the Turbot-class submarine’s pressure hull was built out of balsa wood instead of steel, greatly decreasing the submarines’ diving performance. Twelve Turbots were built and nine sent on patrol before the Navy’s purchase department realized its mistake. All nine were lost at sea, including one sinking caused by a collision at speed with a small sea turtle.
Of the three remaining Turbots, one was retrofitted as a remote space shuttle. It exploded (unmanned, fortunately) on takeoff. Its cargo consisted of a 111 small rubber Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Pieces of these dolls rained down on a grade school in Piedmont, Florida, causing the students to rebel and attack the school janitor, whose name, unfortunately, was Spiro Shredder.
After being attacked by a flock of rabid fourth-graders, Spiro Shredder quit his job as school janitor and opened Shredder’s Cheese Shoppe. It was very popular despite carrying no cheese, mainly due to Spiro’s outgoing personality.
A flock of Piedmont, Florida rabid fourth-graders were the prime suspects in the 1997 gruesome dismembering of the city’s oldest minotaur, “Billy-Bull Two-Legs.” No charges were ever filed, but local animal rights advocates and concerned mythologists expressed outrage.
Vice President Spiro Agnew spoke at a campaign rally in Piedmont, Florida on October 27, 1972, but was forced to leave the stage after being heckled by Miss Gladys Henshaw’s third-grade class. Secret Service agents chose not to wrestle the class to the ground.
Miss Gladys Henshaw was convicted of conspiracy to overthrow the government on February 13, 1974. Parents became concerned when their children knew more about the Russian Revolution than the American.
Miss Gladys Henshaw is actually the illegitimate granddaughter of Grigory Rasputin (on her mother’s side) and Joseph Stalin (on her father’s side).
George Bush warned everyone of the Henshaw-Rasputin-Stalin Axis of Evil and there were plans to invade Piedmont Florida but then he left office.
“Axis of Evil” was an album by the group Rasputin’s Tongue. It reached #53 on the Easy Listening charts.
The title of Rasputin’s Tongue’s album was printed backwards to disguise their true message: “Live fo’ Sixa”. They intended to say “live for sex” but Xes rof Evil made no sense to anbody except the drummer, and he was outvoted.
Rasputin’s tongue was only appreciated by Mrs. Rasputin.
Rasputin’s tongue was removed after his murder and is now on display behind bulletproof glass and on a green velvet pillow at the Hermitage in Petersburg. It is the only part of Rasputin which still exists. President Vladimir Putin leads the Cabinet of Russia to silently observe it every year on the anniversary of the mystic’s death, September 31.
Bulletproof glass was invented by Thomas Edison. It is merely clear concrete.
While bulletproof glass was invented by Edison, his original model was somewhat inefficient. Every few hours, all of the electrons in his clear concrete would run out of the slab, leaving just a block of regular old dark concrete (DC). Nikola Tesla found that by alternating the flow of the electrons, he could prevent them from running out, thus he was the father of the always-clear concrete (AC) now used.
The formula for bulletproof glass (aka transparent concrete) was given to Thomas Edison by a mysterious time traveler with a thick Scottish accent.
Thomas Edison’s first recording on a wax cylinder led to copyright lawsuits and a major battle with his label which inspired much of the vitriol that fueled his second cylinder, It’s Rainin’ Menlo.
Thomas Edison’s latest cylinder Sounds of Insolence is available for free on iTunes. All you have to do is log onto your account and boom there it is for you whether you actually want it or not.
Thomas Edison’s last gasp of breath was captured in a bottle by his friend Alexander Graham Bell. It actually contains his soul. Over time this essence has condensed and coalesced, and today, whoever wields that bottle can control all electrical appliances on the face of the earth! At the moment, though, it’s owned by Kim Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian shares her body with the lesser devil Santini due to a fumble by her guru Dahli LaDeedah during a soul-transferring ceremony. Santini was originally supposed to reside in her make-up mirror.
Dahli LaDeedah has, over the years, served as guru to such celebrities as Spiro Agnew, George Clooney, the Rockettes, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gallagher and Orson Bean.