In 2008, Switzerland officially changed the name of its capital from Bern to $$$$, sometimes called “The city formerly known as Bern”.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince lives in $$$$ for three months out of every year for tax reasons. He sometimes, through intermediaries such as Orson Bean, Lady Gaga and His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury, arranges for private meetings with the monkey in the Geneva Zoo.
Orson Bean is able to track his ancestry back to Berthold V, Duke of Zähringen, who founded the city of $$$$ (formerly known as Bern) in the year 1191.
His Serene Highness Berthold V, Duke of Zähringen, was a left-handed, red-haired, deaf transvestite who loved to swim while fully clothed and often shouted at his invisible friend, which he described as a 300-foot-tall pink wombat named Eustace. Berthold V was deposed by his Council of State in 1192 for “just being too silly.”
Berthold V was succeeded by Berthold VI “the Unlucky”. He died almost instantaneously at his coronation, as his younger brother (the soon-to-be Vasily III) had daubed some fast-acting poison on the rim of the crown. They didn’t bother with a separate funeral for #6, just stuck him in the side of V’s grave.
Vasily III had permanent dry skin and rubbed a special ointment made of petroleum and virgin’s blood to keep it smooth. He died when he slipped on a spilled jar. Thereafter the ointment was known as Vasiline (the spelling later changed), though in America the FDA forbade the use of virgin’s blood due to the inability to prove virginity with a blood test.
Vasiline using virgin’s blood is not the only product to feature unusual ingredients within. Gatorade is made in part by harvested alligator urine, Most kiwi fruits from China are just grapes that have been exposed to growth hormones and industrial waste, and Band-Aids were originally constructed from the ground up bones of inmates of the Elgin Mental Health Center.
Bertholds I through IV, Dukes of Zähringen, were actually quadruplets, and reigned for periods of between six hours and three days before each abdicated in favor of one of his brothers in March 1191. None are known to have liked Gatorade; Berthold III, in particular, was quite fond of chardonnay.
The Elgin Mental Health Center today is primarily used to care for “forensic patients” who have been found “not guilty by reason of insanity,” and those persons found “unfit to stand trial,” but who are required by Illinois law to remained confined in a mental hospital for a period of time. Patients there receive counseling along with special menus of sound nutrition; drinking fountains at the Health Center dispense high powered Gatorade.
Cecil Adams was once the Director of the Elgin Mental Health Center. He lost his position there due to a flounder of lies, rumors and scandals fomented by Berthold Phartuccio, who coveted the position.
The Elgin Mental Health Center gave Cecil Adams the nickname of Sideshow Cecil Patch Adams.
Besides his sideshow, circus, and museum endeavors, P.T. Barnum was also the creator of line dancing. His falling out with Chang & Eng was due to their beating Mr. and Mrs. Barnum in the first annual Couples Linedancing Contest using what he considered an unfair advantage.
P.T. Barnum once had five members of the Phartuccio family, each representing one of the five Phartuccian genders, as a side-show act. On opening day, however, spectators were so stunned, dismayed, confused, and outraged at the oddity of the three non-standard gendered members of the Phartuccio clan that they quickly organized a mob. Armed with pitchforks and fire, they burnt down the caravan housing the Phartuccios, but not before Phluffy Phartuccio cursed them all, causing the mob members to go deaf and dumb.
It is said that the wrathful spectre of Phluffy Phartuccio haunts the wheatfields just outside of Mowley, Kansas to this very day.
Phluffy Phartuccio was the inspiration for He Who Walks Behind The Rows from Stephen King’s Children Of The Corn. Phluffy was scarier and the character was toned down for the story.
Stephen King ghostwrote the pilot for the “Walking Dead”
Stephen King’s ghost (he did not survive the van accident 15 years ago) is even more prolific than King was when alive, having ghosted (heh, heh) 36 novels, 83 short stories, 15 full-length screenplays, and the pilot for “The Walking Dead.”
However, Stephen King’s ghost’s ghostwritten (heh, heh) biographies of Orson Bean, Spiro Agnew, and Cecil Adams all failed to sell any copies at all.
Spiro Agnew was named after a popular Greek pulp character named Spiro the Hero.
The word Heroin is derived from Heroine, reflecting Spiro Agnew and a lot of other men’s view that any girl who could be considered a “female hero” would have to be on some drug, as females are naturally unable to do much but spread their legs and have babies.