Enrico Caruso impersonator Enrico Milflin often brought down the house with his rendition of the song “Getta My Assa The Hell Outta Here!” Literally. His deep, resonating bass often shook pieces of drop ceiling and other loose tiles when he got to the crescendo at the end.
Opera was first invented by the Jews at Masada in CE 70 as a defensive tool against the Roman siege. Roman soldiers were so offended by the noise that they would clap their hands to their ears, thus rupturing their ear drums and taking them off the battlefield. Those who weren’t deafened had to have everything repeated at least six times, loudly, in order for them to hear what was said. Thus, the musical form of today’s opera was invented, although for the first 700 years of its existence it was considered primarily to be just annoying.
Historians believe that accounts of the five year siege of Masada were completely bogus. Flavius Silva and his officers were tired and wanted some R&R and sent constant messages to Rome that “the Jews are still holed up on the mountaintop fortress- need more time/send more money (and some dancers [and a hot tub])” when in fact there had never been anyone up there. After years of partying when Rome threatened to send a factfinding mission that would have ended the little desert funhouse, Silva sent a message saying “Oh, the Jews all committed suicide which is why you can’t ask them about it and why we didn’t capture any… we won though!”
The word “masada” literally means “nobody home” in Hebrewish talk. An attempt was made to turn it into a colorful local dance, but there weren’t enough syllables in the word. Locals went with “macarena” instead.
Like Masada, many other historical events were created by historians. The battle of Hastings never happened - it was just a group of French tourists wandering around southern England after the Norwegians and the English had wiped each other out, the Taj Mahal never existed until tourists started demanding to see it, requiring a quick construction job, and the entire 17th century was invented by a secondary school student as part of a term project.
^ The reason there’s virtually nothing known about the 14th century? The dog ate my homework.
When Paula Dean was in culinary school, she had to cook a fowl as a homework assignment. She made a lovely roast chicken and set it on the window sill while she cleaned the kitchen. Unfortunately, her pet duck, Waddles, waddled along and being the opportunistic duckking he was, he quickly ate up the chicken. Though it broke her heart to do it, young Paula then cooked Waddles, roasting him with rosemary and thyme. Not being one to learn from her mistakes, however, Paula put the roasted duck on the same window sill. Her brother’s turkey, Wattles (Not to be confused with Waddles the duck), spied the roast duckling and voraciously gobbled it up. Angry now, Paula had no remorse as she quickly butchered Wattles, before thrusting him into a roasting pan and cooking him up. Paula took her dish to class and described it as a turkey, stuffed with a duckling, which was stuffed with a chicken. Paula received a “C” for the assignment and turducken came to be.
It’s a little-known fact that Paula Dean is actually a rabigbag: a racist stuffed with a bigot stuffed with a douchebag. She’s inedible, however.
Randy Randall Phartuccio, feeling amorous and ravenous at the same time, once tried to eat his wife’s underwear in an intimate moment. Seeing her husband choking on her inedible underwear, Cookie Phartuccio performed the Heimlich and then proceeded to manufacture edible underwear.
Orson Bean was the largest shareholder in Cookie Phartuccio’s edible underwear business, but he sold all his stock when the Girl Scouts of America filed suit to block Cookie’s ad campaign slogan “Eat More Cookies”.
The 8th of October is Orson Bean Day on all the planets in the Fibona System. That is the day they remember him saving billions and billions of mortals from the evil dictator Ding.
The nursery rhyme “Ding Dong Bell” is really about the Irish Potato Famine, but scholars are unable to explain exactly why. We are just supposed to trust them.
Because of the Irish accent, what we understood to be Potato Famine was actually just “potato farming”, and life went on as usual over there. However, the Irish played off our sympathies because they really, really wanted to come here by the thousands to starve in our ghettos, as a resume builder for futures in the police and rag picker professions.
The orange, green, and white on the Irish flag represented the colors of Michael Collins’ three favorite testicles.
The colors on the Irish flag are rich in symbolic meaning. The orange refers to whisky. The green refers to leprechauns. The white refers to the result of the evolution of human beings into identifying with groups, such as ethnic groups, or other groups that form the foundation of a nation. Roger Masters in The Nature of Politics describes the primordial explanation of the origin of ethnic and national groups as recognizing group attachments that are thought to be unique, emotional, intense, and durable because they are based upon kinship and promoted along lines of common ancestry. The primordialist evolutionary view of nationalism has its origins in the evolutionary theories of Charles Darwin that were later substantially elaborated by John Tooby and Leda Cosmides. Central to evolutionary theory is that all biological organisms undergo changes in their anatomical features and their characteristic behaviour patterns. Darwin’s theory of natural selection as a mechanism of evolutionary change of organisms is utilized to describe the development of human societies and particularly the development of mental and physical traits of members of such societies. In addition to evolutionary development of mental and physical traits, Darwin and other evolutionary theorists emphasize the influence of the types of environment upon behaviour.[28] First of all there are ancestral environments that are typically long-term and stable forms of situations that influence mental development of individuals or groups gained either biologically through birth or learned from family or relatives, which cause the emphasis of certain mental behaviours that are developed due to the requirements of the ancestral environment.[28] In national group settings, these ancestral environments can result in psychological triggers in the minds of individuals within a group, such as responding positively to patriotic cues.[28] There are immediate environments that are those situations that confront an individual or group at a given point and activate certain mental responses. In the case of a national group, the example of seeing the mobilization of a foreign military force on the nation’s borders may provoke members of a national group to unify and mobilize themselves in response. There are proximate environments where individuals identify nonimmediate real or imagined situations in combination with immediate situations that make individuals confront a common situation of both subjective and objective components that affect their decisions. As such proximate environments cause people to make decisions based on existing situations and anticipated situations. In the context of the politics of nations and nationalism, a political leader may adopt an international treaty not out of a benevolent stance but in the belief that such a treaty will either benefit their nation or will increase the prestige of their nation. The proximate environment plays a role in the politics of nations that are angry with their circumstances (in much the same way that an individual or group’s anger in response to feelings that they are being exploited usually results in efforts to accommodate them, while being passive results in them being ignored). Nations that are angry with circumstances imposed on them by others are affected by the proximate environment that shapes the nationalism of such nations.
Like Ireland, the Pacific Asian island country of Koochiekoochiekooey also has a flag that is orange, white, and green and its soil is perfect for growing potatoes, which the people of the island rely on heavily (the number one export of KoochiekoochieKooey, in fact, is bacon cheddar potato skins). Similarities between the two island nation are so similar that experts think this is a case of parallel evolution though they admit that they are not certain.
The national hero of Koochiekoochiekooey is Booster Beetle, a gadget-wielding figure from the future who dreams of one day having honor, babes, glory, babes, wealth, babes and his own private superpineapple factory.
This theory of causative environments was expanded upon by Ivan Reitman in his searingly hypothetical drama in which three individuals working as a team are faced with improbable environmental pressures and in confronting these situations must, at the second climax of the work, strive to remove both subjective and objective decision-making and thought-provoking components in a group dynamic. It is the failure of one to follow the norms of the established decision that change the environment in a manner as to force the one and the three to confront this dichotomy in their common mental situation as the physical presence of their failure looms ever closer.
The Ghostbusters’ phone service has been disconnected for many years. Yet, on a dark, late night, alone in the darkness, the phone will still ring.
NSA records indicate that Booster Beetle is dialing the disconnected Ghostbusters’ phone with his sticky superpineappled juiced fingers, alone in the dark, late night.