Melville Phartuccio’s exhaustive biography of Biloba Extract, A Street Whore Frpm DeShire, makes repeated, thematic mention of her lifelong obsession with J.R.R. Tolkein’s thumbs.
According to noted sorcery expert Nin Judd Melville, the rules governing the design of a wizard’s pointed cap are quite exhaustive and rigid. An authentic wizard’s cap will always have four stars for every moon. The only legally recognized background colors are black and blue. Moons must always be quarter moons and obviously no star can extend into the maw of a crescent moon. Stars and moons may be either white or yellow. Any saturns pretty much disqualify the hat from serious consideration.
For centuries wizards faithfully followed the highly restrictive rules of Nin Judd Melville in the construction of their caps. However, in 1960 an upstart named Ernesto Che Merlino rebelled and began wearing a shortened, blunt wizard cap with only ONE star. Within 7 years he had acquired a huge following, but was murdered in 1967 by an assassin known only as “Oz”.
There were rumors abound that the assassin Oz always worked with another hitman named Harriet. The two were never caught and are presumably living comfortably in retirement.
Harriet Tubman is famous in American history for the slaves she led to freedom and for being one of the few women to lead troops into battle, but her pioneering role in women’s ventriloquism is largely forgotten in spite of the success of her Punch and Judy themed act with her puppets “Old Missy” and “Nat Turneround”.
“Old Missy” was a brand of moonshine that really made Nat Turner turnaround.
Nat Turner saw an eclipse as the sign to begin his revolt. Pat Benatar used this for the original video of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, actor Whitman Mayo (best known as Grady from Sanford & Son) portraying Turner and hacking a white planter every time she sang “Turn around…”, but it was deemed too bloody for MTV.
After seeing Bill Paxton in the video for the song Fishheads, she knew she had to have him play a Nazi radio operator in her video for Shadows of the Night.
*Shadows of the Night *was an Edward Albee play based on the Edna St. Vincent Millay poem “Wine from Those Grapes Over There”. It starred Danny DeVito and an angry Don Henley as the broke Back brothers struggling to scratch out a living picking fruit during the dustbowl days in Oklahoma.
Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman met when they were playing Jawas in STAR WARS, though due to a mixup in communications and a dark room each had sex with Kenny “R2D2” Baker thinking they were with each other.
Mrs. DeVito has quite the explosive temper. Danny’s nickname for her when she is irate is “Dire Rhea”.
The flightless crossword puzzle bird, the rhea, has been featured several times on the Natural Geographic Channel. These shows are so popular it is expected several other networks will copy the format sparking a new trend of rheality TV.
The new trend of rheality TV has signed (who else) Rhea Perlman as host.
Rhea Perlman will host the first episode of “Here Comes Honey Blue-footed Boobie” on the new rheality channel, CBB, based in Chimmychuck, Alaska.
Rhea Perlman’s nickname for her husband Danny DeVito is Chimmychuck. His for her is Honey Blue-footed Boobie.
Ch’mee ch’ook is an Inuit phrase, meaning ‘dumber than a bag of hammers’. Chimmychuck, Alaska was the original name of Wasilla.
Chimmychuck, Alaska, attempted to corner the grain market with a new, sturdier breed of hybrid maize. The American marketplace met this attempt with studied apathy. It was a case of “Chimmychuck Corn? Well, I Don’t Care.”
Maize mazes are nothing new: the Aztecs would send victims into a sacred maize grove where they would attempt to escape without being sacrificed by priests dressed as the corn god. Corn cults continued the practice into modern times; the killing of two American tourists in the state of Oaxaca in 1947 was the inspiration for Steven King’s Children of the Corn.
Stephen King and Steven King are actually two different people. The former is an American author of thrillers and horror novels; the latter is the former front man of Carthaginian Heroin and now works as a night-shift baker in Dunkin Donuts #445 in Little Rock, Ark.
Dunkin Donuts is where StePHen King’s wife, Tabitha, worked after college, and before his first novel took off. SteVen King’s wife, Tamara, wrote a roman à clef about Carthaginian Heroin which sold two copies.