There are no longer any hairless bears in the United States since Ronco introduced the Hypo-Allergenic Fireside Bear Rug (“As seen on TV!”) in 1982. Supplies, and the hairless bear population, ran out in 1986.
Except in Chicago where there are 53 mostly-hairless bears. These bears are mostly non-aggressive and are brought out in the late September to early December to amuse local fans who, nonetheless, are regularly bored of watching them by early November.
Chicago Bears linebacker Darryl Sharpton wears #53 and is the nephew of Rev. Al Sharpton. Whenever he is asked about his uncle, he refuses to talk after an investigative reporter once brought up “The Vacation in Winstead”
A National Academy of Sciences study earlier this year found that, if all the weight lost by the Rev. Al Sharpton over the years were the same mass in schnozzberries, there would be enough to feed an Estonian family of eight for 2,304 years, 7 months and 3 days.
[Out of game]You do know what a snozzberry is, right?[/OOG]
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The mass of a schnozzberry can be determined by multiplying its circumference by the number of crochet stitches required to knit a cozy for a hairless bear, divided by the weight of an Italian family of twelve in ounces.
It is against the law in Italy to weigh a family in ounces, ever since the country went metric. It is legal to weigh them in slices of pepperoni, however.
When Benito Mussolini was asked to describe the worst difficult thing about governing Italians he replied “Please don’t shoot!”, but it didn’t work.
After his execution, Mussolini’s corpse was hung in the town square, and passersby could pay a half a lira to pick up a rifle and shoot it. Though thousands participated, the project didn’t make money, as it all went to the costs for ammunition and replacement rope. Benito’s widow reportedly spent over 100 lira shooting at her late spouse.
Mrs. Mussolini had terrible eyesight, and even though she shot at her husband’s corpse over 200 times she only hit him twice. She died a destitute woman, her entire fortune spent reimbursing shop owners for shot-out windows and destroyed signs. The character “Mr. Magoo” is based on Rachele Mussolini.
Rachele Mussolini, despite her near-sightedness, was a talented writer and had a minor hit with her learned botanical treatise How to Tell Snozzberries from Schnozzberries, published by Whatsamatta U. Press in 1951. Mussolini used the pen name “J.K. Rowling Hitler.”
Mussolini, Shawshank, Elmer, and Schwarzeneggar continued to rank in the Bottom 1% of given names for Chinese-American babies in 2014.
Some historians argue that Mr. Magoo wasn’t just based on Rachele Mussolini but whole scenes from the cartoon were lifted from chronicled accounts of her zanier misadventures, including the time she walked into a construction sight and across an I beam being lifted by a crane, the time she accidentally knocked a maid out of a second story window, and the time where she accidentally went on a dinner date with a large octopus.
If you play the Beatles’ song “Octopus’ Garden” backwards, it says “Hi, this is Paul. I’m fine. But Ringo’s dead.”
Johnny Ringo, of the Wyatt Earp vs Cowboys fame, was found out after his death to be from the future sent back to protect Sarah Terenzi from a robotic assassin. The time machine had not been calibrated correctly and he missed his target time by 100 years.
Wyatt Earp and a very young Benito Mussolini shared a wet nurse for a few weeks in Venice in late August 1883, but are not thought by their biographers to have ever met.
The wet nurse in question was a direct ancestor, in the maternal lineage, of the Octomom.
The Octomom was ruled to be a hoax when upon closer examination of her litter it was revealed that neither she nor the spawn actually had tentacles.
This just in: Keira Knightley is pregnant and our own EH is the father!