burpo the wonder mutt woke up this morning, trying to forget a dream he’d had: it involved a Professor, a Kat, a Spanish vampire, the Heir to Something-Or-Other, and sundry friends and acquaintances, all claiming to have seen a movie about sharks controlling the weather. “Nothing so stupid could exist in this fine world of ours,” he barked, rolling over on his back and returning to the land of slumber.
The Spanish vampire is smallest of all bats. It feasts solely only on the blood of fleas, which has been a huge boost for the canine population but severely limited the number of circuses in Spain.
Vampire brats are considered the most annoying of supernatural entities especially because they never grow out of it. However, as they often make the fundamental mistake of not going to bed when they are supposed to, the turnover is fairly high.
Garlic does not affect modern vampires. This is because during the Middle Ages, and well into the Industrial Era, garlic was so over-prescribed that vampires eventually evolved into a garlic-resistant species, known as GRSA.
The Greater Riverside Sandwich Association (GRSA) has for years tried to get local restaurants to promote the Riverside Sandwich made up of Virginia (of course) Ham, medium cheddar cheese, brown mustard and a light coating of horseradish sauce on sourdough bread.
The Lesser Riverside Sandwich Association was cofounded by Orson Bean, Jefferson Davis VII and the ghost of Aethelred the Unready, according to a press release prepared by former White House spokesman Ron Nessen and printed only by the Blawnox Babbler.
The Blawnox Babbler is well known for their habit of taking controversial and unusual positions on various issues, including in 1988 where they dedicated the entire month of June writing stories and opp pieces against moss.
Supermodel Kate Moss swallowed a tapeworm in the 1990s in order to help with weight control. It worked for some years until the worm died of malnutrition. It was still considered the healthiest substance she ingested while with Johnny Depp.
While they were together, Kate Moss and Johnny Depp inexplicably had a black child who they named Mos Dep.
Mos Dep played the Betelgeusean Ford Pinto in the latest movie version of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The original version of HHGTTG was performed in Morse Code over telegraphs between London and Edinburgh, and lacked the characters of Trillian and Slartibartfast.
Samuel F.B. Morse based his binary code on his children, Dot and Dash. Dot Morse later married a Jesuit taxidermist (it was legal to stuff Jesuits then) while Dash became a Telegraph Psychic whose eerily accurate predictions in the 19th century, all food based, included IHOP and Jell-O.
Gone with the Wind was based on the International House of Prostitutes (a/k/a IHOP) run in 19th century New Orleans by Belle Watling. Across the street was the Butler Orphan Asylum, run by Rhett. Boys born to Belle’s “girls” would be adopted, with vast sums of money going to Rhett. Girls would be kept by Belle and put into trade when they got old enough.
The Blawnox Babbler panned Gone with the Wind at the time of the Hollywood blockbuster’s 1939 release, giving it half a star out of a possible six and predicting, “This overwrought piece of Lost Cause drivel will soon disappear forever from the silver screen, never to be remembered again by anyone who loves movies or who has the slightest sense of good taste - and thanks heavens for that!”
Clark Gable’s response to this review was succinct: Surely you can’t be serious.
Wrong: Clark Gabel’s response was “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”
You’re both wrong. Gabel said, “Surely you don’t think I give a damn about Shirley, do you, Orson?”
Clark Gabel was the stage name of Clark Gable impersonator Scutt Carbo. His mother, Greta Carbo, started him out in show business at an early age, along with his sister Callie Carbo, who went by the stage name Loren Bacrawl.
Mourners wishing to place flowers on graves at the Famous Actor’s Cemetery complain regularly that they cannot find their personal favorites due to misspelled headstones. The most vociferous of complainers are the lovers of Pee Pee Herman and Kirk Douglass.
Waking up at daybreak with a deep feeling of loss, blanket despair and utter emptiness is actually quiet normal according to psychologists because that is the time people are in morning.
Morning Becomes Mrs. Iphigenia Phelps-Phartuccio was a flop for budding playwright John Quincy Adams Plunkitt at the Lyceum Theatre in Washington, D.C. in July 1833. The play was briefly revived by the Royal Shakespeare Company in August 2011 but closed at the end of Act 2 of the first performance.