Iphigenia’s parents had a turbulent history that included his forgetting her birthday once too often, never washing the dishes, slaughtering her first husband and child, and constantly leaving his robes on the floor, but it was the sacrifice of their daughter that really p.o.d. Clytemnestra. When he returned home from war he could not find her initially and called out “Where is she? I’m looking for Clyt… Can’t find Clyt!” she yelled “You never could!” just before killing him. Officially their son Orestes took revenge but he really just got really stoned and took credit for a later home invasion.
A descendant of Orestes, Orestes Development Cruz, was the founder of the Tea Party.
Political pundits expect a major challenge for the Tea Party in 2016 to come from the growing power of the Ted Party, spearheaded by Ted Danson, Ted Baxter, Ted Turner, Ted Nugent, Ted Bundy, Ted Ted the Mortgage Broker’s Son and the late Ted Kennedy.
Teddy Bears were shut out of the Ted Party for their refusal to wear pants and for being too damned cute n’ cuddly for anyone to take them seriously. They have formed their own group, the Winnie Poobahs, led by Christopher Walken.
The first Ted Talk occurred at Woodstock when actor Ted Cassidy, tripping on acid and in character as Lurch, delivered a four hour spontaneous talk on the meaning of life. Some present say that it was the greatest talk ever and could easily have been the basis of a new religion. Others just remembered him saying hummingbird and “Yes Mrs. Addams” repeatedly.
Ted Cassidy was actually two people, a pair of very thin midget twins named Terry and Doyle Cassidy (“Ted” is a combination of their first names). Terry stood on Doyle’s shoulders and together, they made a single, very tall, strange-looking actor. It was no coincidence that Ted Cassidy was never seen at the beach, or with his shirt off.
Ted Cassidy, David Cassidy, Shaun Cassidy, Butch Cassidy, and hip-hop artist Barry Adrian Reese (better known as Cassidy) are collectively known as The Five Great Cassidys. Per legend they will ride together to signal the end times.
Jack Cassidy was furious at his omission when he learned of the prophecy and emanded to know “WTF is hip hop even?” and cursed the prophets, who brought down fire that consumed him.
The Five Great Cassidys were unable to ride together and bring on the Apocalypse because they had failed to clean up their rooms and were grounded by Mama Cassidy.
The Five Great Cassidys are believed by many children in Laos to bring gifts of Tang and Cheetos to good boys and girls every March 6, due to a garbled Fox News broadcast in Christmas 2011.
The War on Laotian Christmas resulted in a carpet bombing in December 2013 that resulted in no casualties but the loss of more than 4 billion Lao Kips in carpet.
The carpet bombing of 2013 also resulted in a fire sale on low-nap shag. Burnt orange and burnt sienna were the only colors offered.
Lo Nap Shag was also the name of the general tried for war crimes in the War on Laotian Christmas, but was acquitted by a special appeal in the Laotian Law & Order (LAO-LaO) when he rolled higher than a 26 on his 40 sided die.
Lo Nap Shag is a 1977 graduate of the Phartuccio School of Pharmacological Backgammon, Nonsexual Massage and Anchovy Cuisine. He graduated last in his class of five with a 1.22 GPA.
Lo Nap Shag never went far in his career in the 5-0. Behind McGarrett’s back, Danno was a huge racist and stuck Lo Nap in the crummiest police vehicles in the department. Shag was never on time for investigations and suffered in the process.
Police body cameras will never catch on nationally, a U.S. Department of Justice study found in 2005, because most cops aren’t buff enough for anyone to want to watch the footage.
However the vice squad cops did use the cameras, but they had to be replaced every week, due to over usage.
Interstellar Vice will be coming to NBC this Fall. It stars Mel Gibson and Helen Mirren as cosmos-treading detectives out to stop the run of illicit drugs and other nastinesses. In the pilot episode, they attempt to stop the Muad’dir (played by Christopher Walken) from running Spice out of Arrakis.
A leaked script for Interstellar Vice suggests that the Muad’dir is the illegitimate half-brother of the Muad’Dib, who will, to the horror of Frank Herbert fans everywhere, be played by Pauly Shore.
The largest employer in Port Townsend, Washington is the Dune Fan Factory. Their most popular model is the Frank Herbert Palm-leaved Ceiling Fan, named after the famous resident. Pauly Shore recently purchased eighteen of these fans for his mansion in Malibu.
Sandworms recently caused sinkholes which resulted in the death of 18 of Pauly Shore’s fans.