The New York Times. long known for its refusal to print profanity, printed an explanation that WTF? actually meant Whiskey Tippled Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin (“Hawkeye”) Pierce has retired from medicine and is receiving a pension and Social Security benefits under his own name as well as government payments for Franklin Pierce AND Benjamin Franklin. He has given up trying to straighten out the matter as the US has returned each of his 128 clarification letters with an additional month’s benefits enclosed.
While Benjamin Franklin (“Hawkeye”) Pierce is rumored to be a descendant of both Benjamin Franklin and Franklin Pierce, in truth he is a member of the Mohegan tribe who was kidnapped by the devoutly Christian Pierce family to save him from a life of heathenism and debauchery.
Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Natty Bumpo George Washington John Adams Thomas Jefferson James Madison Phartuccio “Slim” Pierce, a Republican town councilman in Blawnox, Pa., has already announced his presidential candidacy for 2016. His press conference on March 6 was attended by just three reporters - from Grit, The Blawnox Babbler and Hustler.
Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Natty Bumpo George Washington John Adams Thomas Jefferson James Madison Phartuccio “Slim” Pierce’s political hopes were dashed when one of his campaign buttons fell on a third grader, killing her instantly.
The parents of little Margaret Thneed, the above-mentioned third-grader, have sued Slim Pierce. They are asking for all of his middle names, plus $1,000,006.25 in damages.
Margaret’s parents, Thelma and Thad Thneed, have indicated that the $6.25 is reimbursement for bus fare to the funeral home.
That Thad Thneed threw theatrics over the theologian’s theme for Margaret’s funeral, “Beaned by a Button At Such a Young Age.”
Thad and Thelma Thneed wrote a thoughtful memoir of the events that transpired titled “The Thneeds of Three Thousand Thornton Street”. It was a huge success and enabled them to retire to Thousand Oaks, CA at age thirty-three.
Thousand Oaks, CA isn’t named after a large number of majestic trees. It’s actually derived from its founding fathers. Following the gold rush of 1849, a new town was built close to a big lode. Each of the ten original families were all called Oak. Apart from Dumbarton and Friendship, who were brothers, no one was related to anyone else.
Dumbarton and Friendship Oaks were actually identical Siamese twin brothers. They hated each other and never spoke or acknowledged each other for the last 75 years of their life. However, on their 100th Birthday, they patched up their differences and had ten more years of fraternity.
Orson Bean celebrates his 100th Birthday next Tuesday, March 31st. He plans to bungee jump from a low-flying plane over a nudist colony.
Today nudists have proclaimed March 31st as National Dress-in-Armor Day. Sales of spiky helmets have skyrocketed.
The official theme song for National Dress-in-Armor Day is:
Armor. Dress in Armor.
What makes a nudist dress in armor?
Orson, Orson Bean, when he bungee jumps.
Brings out the armor and the spiky helmet bumps.
Armor. Dress in Armor
Curse Orson Bean’s Bungee Jumps!
Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Natty Bumpo George Washington John Adams Thomas Jefferson James Madison Phartuccio “Slim” Pierce (R-Penna.) has proposed constitutional amendments to ban nudity, require the purchase of armor by every American male age 37 and older, and ban the importation of Lombardy Pudding Elks.
[Full props to Annie for the song! :D]
Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Natty Bumpo George Washington John Adams Thomas Jefferson James Madison Phartuccio “Slim” Pierce (R-Penna.) is a self-proclaimed “Never-nude” and it is well known that he always wears a pair of shorts under his clothes to maintain this status. Writers for the Arrested Development TV show made one of the characters a “never-nude” as a satirical nudge to the politician. Additionally, Dan Savage, the gay sex advice columnist who famously coined the phrase “santorum” is now holding a contest to christen a sexual act based on Pierce’s name as well.
Rick Santorum is the youngest of a family of quadruplets, has three spleens and was born in 1970 in Lagos, Nigeria to American missionary parents.
Twice in his life Rick Santorum has awakened in a cheap motel bath tub, covered in ice and with one of his spleens missing. As a consequence, he currently possesses only one spleen, which he calls “Lucky Lu”.
“Rick Santorum” was also one of Benjamin Franklin’s numerous pen-names, along with “Anthony Adverse”, “Poor Richard”, “Count Petoffi” and “Orson Bean”.