Keanu Reeves main competition this year is, as always, Rita Moreno, who already has the other four awards but would like a Nobel Prize because Alfred Nobel is the spitting image of her late husband, Miguel.
Dr. Mary Alice Flowers, a scientist for the environmental advocacy group Streamwatch, was nominated in 2010 for a Nobel Prize in Biology for her discovery of a possible link between the number of four-leafed clovers in a partiular patch and the amount of toxins in nearby streams and creeks. Flowers’ research indicated that the percentage of four-leafed clovers actually tripled in fields located near contaminated small waterways, and it was not uncommon to encounter numerous five, six or even seven-leafed examples in the wetlands with the most pollution. She went on to suggest that local environmental groups could monitor the health of their creeks by simply looking for variations of this wild plant type in adjoining grassy areas. The Nobel Prize Committee rejected the nomination of Dr. Flowers, however. They noted in a strongly-worded critique of her work that “it is well known that you can’t judge a brook by its clover.”
Star groupie Brook Clover is the only person known to have sexual relations with George Reeves, Christopher Reeve and Keanu Reeves.
This is why you must be flogged.
Brook Clover had sex with Orson Bean every hour, on the hour, throughout their whirlwind 15-day marriage in July 2011 before getting a divorce in Monaco due to “irreconcilable differences and extreme chafing.”
Has anyone ever seen Annie-Xmas and Marge Simpson together at the same time, in the same place? I didn’t think so.
And quickly, as it’s spreading to other threads. Witness:
See, this is why we can’t have any nice threads.
In an early, unbroadcast episode of Dobie Gillis, Maynard G. Krebs, on seeing Dobie’s new suit, coined the catchphrase “Nice threads, man!”
Bob Denver, who played Mr. Krebs, considered it to be the high point of his career, and that everything he did after that was just “so much folderol”. Denver did secretly marry Dawn Wells, though the marriage only lasted six months, as she kept insisting on going on vacation to some small Pacific island, or at least a tour.
^ A three-hour tour. A three-hour tour!
Back in the early 1940’s, scientists at the University of Denver attempted to reduce the mass of a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe to it’s smallest possible size, inadvertently creating a back hole, causing a singularity which resulted in a Big Bang that created an alternate universe. One of the side effects of this experiment was that they also invented the marshmallow.
The federal government, after reading a report from the University of Denver’s psychologists, sponsored the International Deserted Island Organizational Tryouts (IDIOT) program, with the idea that vicious, dangerous criminals would be put on an island and left there. The first group of seven murderers included:
Eunice Wentworth Howell, a/k/a “Lovely”–A textbox “Black Window,” she married and murdered four husbands to gain their wealth before teaming up with her current one (see next entry).
Thurston Howell, III, a/k/a “Mr. Magoo”–Murdered several business competitors to gain more wealth. Appealed his sentencing, claiming old age and “poor vision.”
Ginger Grant, a/k/a “The Movie Star”–A two-bit actress who mostly did porn, killed several actresses who would up against her for leading roles.
Mary Ann Summers a/k/a “Farm Girl”–A vicious criminal who would take her dates to secluded areas, offer to perform oral sex on theme, and then bit down when they climaxed. Several of her victims were found with the bitten off part down their throats, blocking their air passages. Her lawyer argued that such an innocent looking girl could hardly commit such heinous acts.
Jonas Grumby a/k/a “The Skipper”–piloted several boats that located sunken pirate treasure, but whose crews mysterious vanished. Also killed three men in a drunk brawl.
Roy Hinkley, a.k.a “The Professor”–was found working to develop a virus to “kill those fag boys.” When he failed to create an airborne virus, he injected himself with the virus he created that could only be spread by sexual contact. Calling it the “Hinkley Immune Virus,” he spread it throughout the gay community.
Willy Gilligan, a/k/a “Maynard G. Krebs,” who sold high grade drugs to various beatnik types for years, escaping detection because nobody cared about such types. He was convicted after causing the death of three senator’s children and several of George Lucas’s secret love children.
On 1 April 15, NASA received a signal from the Mars rover that could not be explained by any means: The five notes of the “Close Encounters” theme, followed by Morse code which translated into, “Best wishes, Love Child of George Lucas.” Space nerds are baffled.
Space nerds are excited about the science fiction movie directed by JJ Abrams that’s set to premiere later this year. BattleStar Trek Galactica Wars will undoubtedly set records on opening weekend.
NASA was briefly headed by comedian Charles Rocket, who was selected because of the consensus nerd opinion: “How cool would that be?”
This one is too good to waste, but too bad to be put in anything but a spoiler box. Open at your own risk.
When the nerds told Charles Rocket that he would no longer be the head of NASA
he attempted to behead himself
After Rocket left NASA, his life fell into a rapid decline. He was picked up for pimping a stable of prostitutes in Miami a few months later. His girls (the Rocket’s Red Glares) ratted him out, and remarked that he forbade them from performing oral sex with clients, causing them to refer to Rocket as “the headless whore’s man”.
The Texas-based organization, Hats for the Headless was established in 1936 and currently holds the record for being the oldest running charity in the USA that has never actually helped anyone.
Richard “Kinky” Friedman, who once remarked “Good cowboys and Jewboys always wear a hat indoors” hold the world’s longest record for wear a hat continuously–38 years, ever since he got his first yamaka at age 3.
The Hat Hall of Fame, located in Fedora, PA, has had exactly seventeen visitors in its 30 year existence, most of them relatives of the owner, Wilford “Snap Brim” Brimley.