The Hat Hall of Fame contains the only known living “Cat in the Hat”, a tuxedo male named Soused wearing a black beaver-skin top hat. Over the years seven employees have been hospitalized due to injuries inflicted by Soused during the daily placement of his hat before the exhibit opens to the public.
Theodore Seuss Gisel starred in a series of gay porn movies called “The Cat In The Hat,” where he worn the iconic red and white hat and not much else. His co-stars were (who else?) Thing 1 & Thing 2.
In 2014 the US Government spent a record 45.4 billion dollars of taxpayer money on hats and headwear. This is up over 8 billion from 2013. In addition to helmets (17 billion), the costs include 9 billion for derbys and bowlers, 236 million for tams, 138 million for fedoras, 5 billion for assorted caps, 4 million for stovepipes, 27 million for turbans, 6 million for various fez styles, 18 million for sombreros, 10 million for berets, 12 million for bonnets and nearly 200 thousand for beanies. Outraged watchdog groups have protested such high expenses, pointing out that most of these hats are not needed but are produced in states and districts of influential members of Congress. They warn, however, that any movement for real change will have to go up against a vast and powerful millinery industrial complex.
You just can’t help yourself, can you? 
It’s our own fault for encouraging him. 
The millinery industrial complex is headed by Bartholomew Cubbins, one of the richest and most powerful men in the world.
Bartholomew Cubbins leads a very full, rich and rewarding life. The only hat off the rack, as it were, is having to dealing with his felonious half-brother, Jervis Tetch.
Bartholomew Cubbins and Jervis Tetch are both the great-great grandsons of both Lewis Carroll and Mad Anthony Wayne.
Lewis Meriwether was the Official Deceased Transcontinental Explorer of Super Bowl XXCVII.
Upon returning from their Northwest Passage excursion, Lewis Meriwether married Marjorie Merriweather Post and became a breakfast cereal scion. William Clark invented the Clark Bar. Mrs. Marjorie Merriweather Meriwether-Post was born in Springfield (this is true), and is probably a distant relative of Homer Simpson, meaning Bart should have been endorsing Clark Bars instead of Butterfingers. History is like that, sometimes.
In 2001, Marjorie Meriwether-Post’s grandchildren, Merry and Pippin Meriwether-Post tried to retrace the route of the Lewis and Clark expedition up the Missouri. The Blackfeet Tribe, still pissed off at being mistreated by the original expedition, attacked them from land bordering the river along I-94. Lacking traditional weapons, the tribe instead hurled hundred dollar casino chips at the two, forcing them to turn back and dock in a town nearest a Casino, where they lost everything. Embittered, the Meriwether-Post twins turned to a life of crime and became cereal killers.
Marjorie Meriwether-Post’s pet herd of 73 Lombardy Pudding Elk is, despite millions of dollars invested and an intensive educational effort led by biologists from the University of Blawnox, incapable of puns.
In one of the most brazen acts of identity theft ever reported, Marjorie Merriweather Meriwether-Post’s great-great grandaughter–Merriweather Post Pavilion–had her name appropriated for a concert venue in Columbia, MD, for which she not only receives no compensation, the electric bill is still sent to her address, despite 45 years of phone calls and correction letters.
The progressive rock band Yes performed at the Merriwether Post-Pavilion in 1983 and paid tribute to the Lombardy Pudding Elk and its tragic lack of a sense of humor. Indeed, guitarist Trevor Rabin once himself had possessed a magnificent pet Lombardy Pudding Elk stag that was so incapable of frivolity that not even other elk could stand to be around it. Rabin could only watch in sadness as his elk withdrew from other animal contact and finally died bitter, friendless and morose in a forgotten corner of the pasture on his farm. The experience with his Pudding Elk so upset the musician that he wrote the poignant ballad that Yes premiered that fateful day in Maryland, appropriately enough at the MPP. The song went on to become one their biggest hits: Owner of a Lonely Hart.
When Rick Wakeman left Yes he originally intended to form another Superband called No, with Peter Noone, Mickey Dolenz and Carl Palmer. But Peter wanted to call it Noone, Carl wanted top billing, and Mickey kept monkeying around with Rick’s keyboards, so it all ended up in several law suits and a restraining order for Dolenz.
Dolenz tried to create a new rock genre called “Tentative Rock”, forming such bands as “Maybee”, “Couldbee” and “Perhaps”. Most people were undecided about the style, however, and despite a minor hit in England with “I Don’t Know, Whadda YOU Wanna Do?”, the genre never really caught on.
Guards! GUARDS!
In play:
Tentative Schoolhouse Rock on American children’s TV in the early 1970s included such hits as “We Could Go To Conjunction Junction, If You Want, But We Don’t Have To, Really,” “I’m Just A Bill But Odds Are I’ll Never Come to a Full Vote, and If I Passed I’d Probably Be Vetoed” and “Interplanet Janet Is Struck With Ennui.”
Schoolhouse Rock was not the only programming that aired in between cartoons during this time. In addition, Time for Timer sang about cheese and Medudo had spots on ABC as well. The latter confused audiences because it was basically just a 4 minute film of a bowl of soup sitting on a table.
Recently, at Conjunction Junction, the crew were hooking up clauses and phrases and adverbs, when a huge “BUT” came sailing around the bend at 106 MPH and totaled everything in the yard. When news reached “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” over on CBS, Mr. Herman immediately called his friend, Simone, in Paris and demanded to talk about her big butt.** Pee-Wee, why don’t you shove it?** the lady fired back. “Shove” was the secret word of the day, and pandemonium ensued.
Pee-Wee Herman was being groomed for the Vice Presidency by Spiro Agnew when the former top Nixon aide was trampled to death in a sudden stampede of Lombardy Pudding Elk in November 1997 near Phartuccioville, Nev.