John Stow’s cat, Bean Toonces, lived to be 27 years old and was taught to drive a horse and buggy when he was 12. Toonces was seen regularly driving Mr. Stow’s rig through the fish market area in Philadelphia. He was beloved by many fishmongers, who would throw him bits of mackerel and cod as he drove by.
John Radical Beane is considered to be the oldest fishmonger alive. He reportedly sold fish to Todd Lincoln, Jefferson Davis and P. T. Barnum. He can even show you the very fish he sold them.
John Radical Beane has tragically outlived all of his oddly-named children, including Kidney, Lima, Baked and Human.
It’s not known how long John Radical Beane would have ultimately lived, as he was tragically and mistakenly taken out by a British Secret Agent who was told to ‘eliminate all free radicals’.
There is no such thing as a “Free Radical”, there are just countries where radicals are subsidized with taxpayer money. In countries without socialized “free” radicals, radicals average about $1.80 per pound. U.S. radical pricing is controlled by the Bradford Exchange.
Bradford pear (pyrus calleryana) was the Official Rosaceae Family Deciduous Tree of the Pre-Game Show for Super Bowl MXVDXII.
Bradford Pear and his brother Bosco were the poster children for Rosacea during their third and fourth years of elementary school in Blawnox, PA. Bradford went on to become an accomplished flautist with the Lower South Hampton Free-range Symphony. Bosco is unemployed ten months of the year and subsists on his salary as a Santa outside the Blawnox Super Mart from November 15th to December 24th, and as a substitute crossing guard for Pekoe Elementary School.
Bradford and Bosco Pear once had a musical act called “The Flautist & The Fartist,” based on Bosco’s bean diet. Sadly, the act ended when Bosco went on the Atkins’s low-carb diet.
“The Flautist & The Fartist” were underwritten by a grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities, and extensively toured the rural South from 1977-2003. Their farewell performance at the Jesse Helms Center for Highbrow Stuff in Rickets, N.C. gladdened the hearts of an estimated 72 hillbillies.
After the group “The Flautist & the Fartist” broke up, percussionist (and fartist) Jules De Martino moved on, creating the group The Ting Tings with singer Katie White.
The White House has 472 rooms, 83 bathrooms, 8 basketball courts, 6 concealed doorways, 3 jacuzzis, 2 dog-grooming salons and 1 sheep dip.
Due to recent security breaches, the White House now has a large herd of lions roaming the grounds to protect the president and his family. Many criticized the Secret Service for deploying these large cats, fearing that carnivourous preditors might scare away tourists. But the reverse has actually been true and the White House now has more visitors than ever, many hoping to catch a glimpse of one of the lions. Hurry if you want to view these beasts, White House Spokesman Josh Earnest warns. To see the animals one must come before mid-September because after that these lions will have to go back to the National Zoo until warmer weather returns. The pride goeth before the fall.
:: winces ::
Josh Earnest said in a February 2014 interview with Vanity Fair, “Every day I strive to live down my last name. I yearn with every fiber of my being to not be the person my last name suggests. Up there behind the White House Press Room podium, every day I try to be flip, cynical, sarcastic, ironic and even funny - and every day, I fail.” Then he burst into tears.
Josh Duggar’s recent scandal has convinced his parents of the need for earlier marriage to keep other boys from having such temptations, thus they plan to marry off their remaining single daughters to members of the Duck Dynasty. An emissary from Mama June seeking to betroth her unmarried (and proven fertile) daughters to Duggar sons resulted in him being turned back at the gates to their compound with the message “We haven’t fallen that far”.
Juan Pablo Clement Phartuccio Orson Spiro Keanu Duggarchowskistein is the earliest-known member of the famously large and incestuous TV family to have come to America. Shipping records show that he arrived at Ellis Island aboard the passenger steamer Debby’s Defenestration from Old Blawnox, Latvia in June 1910.
When the passenger steamer Debby’s Defenestration docked in December after a tortuous 13-month journey, 800 of the 1,736 passengers were infants who had been born during the voyage. Per historical records, including the ship’s log, 716 females and 304 males had boarded in Old Blawnox, Latvia at the beginning of the voyage. Most of these passengers were relocated to Flarneysville, Utah.
Genetics researchers announced Thursday that they have been unable to find any person on Earth- even populations as remote as the Andamanese islanders, the San people of the Kalahari, or indigenous tribes of the Amazon- who does not have at least one Phartuccio or Bean among their ancestors.
Equestrian scholars and early childhood psychologists have discovered that children who are born on a Thursday are better at stopping runaway horses because they are full of “Whoa!”
Must… not… throttle… Biotop…
Children born on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are, as determined in a study by the Center for Totally Baseless and Unreliable Quasi-Scientific Research in West Blawnox, Pa., up to 15.2% more likely to be afraid of horses than those born on Thursday or Friday. Those born on the weekend couldn’t be bothered to respond.
Horses that won the Triple Crown were originally turned into hats, weird styled bird houses and/or dinner. Hence the Kentucky Derby, Preak-nest, and Belmont Steaks.