They are, however, allowed to serve pancakes while I scream.
Syrupticiously, I hope.
Absolutely not! No Illuminati would even think of eating pancakes with syrup. How gauche. How plebian.
We eat them with coffee poured on top.
Speaking as a member of the Illuminati who will soon have a membership card once Thaddeus Iam figures out how to pick up the fake payment I sent him via Western Union, I shall serve all of you pancakes and coffee. Our coffee is grown from a secret plant, the *orsoniophalus beanus lotsacocoalus *grown only in dark hidden places.
The Illuminati does not issue membership cards; a special inter-dimensional key-ring–which may or may not be in your pocket as we speak–allows members access to the hive.
NASA has been working on interdimensional key rings for over twenty years now, but so far has little to show for the $8.25 billion effort. The closest its scientists have come is a garage-door opener that works across six states, but only on alternate Tuesdays in leap years. Congressional hearings are planned for April 1, 2016.
Unknown to Congress, there is no April 1 in the year 2016.
Due to some unexplainable temporal fluke, for Congress, EVERY DAY is April 1st.
April First was the name Orson Bean used during his period as a cross-dressing pole dancer.
The best Pole dancer of the twentieth-first century is commonly held to be Tadeusz Wajnokovetjiasky, “Cookie” to his friends and best known as “The Beyonce of Krakow”. He is the son of Zuzanna Sbornack Wajnokovetjiasky, best known as the model on the Polish game show “Who Wants to Be A Proctologist?”
Who Wants to Be A Proctologist? has been syndicated in all but three countries: Iceland, Bolivia, Lesotho and Vatican City. It has been the #1 show in Switzerland for the past six years, thanks to creative use of Swiss cheese and alphorns.
Who Wants to be a Proctologist? was turned into an indie film called Assholes!, which starred Donald Trump impersonator Ivana B. Rich, and Dick Cheney impersonator Don Rickles. Presented at Cannes in 2003, it received honorable mention in the Soft Porn category.
Dick Cheney’s original heart is beating in a chest believed to be somewhere in the Smithsonian, as is the Mrs. Butterworth bottle that Lord Obama claims comes to life and gives him guidance when things are most bleak.
Everyone in the White House, with the exception of President Obama, knows and loves the prank Mrs. Obama plays on her husband every chance she gets: She had the Secret Service install a tiny speaker in the bottom of the Mrs. Butterworth bottle and the conversations are recorded for playback during times when Barack is “showing his ass.”
After his term is up, Pres. Obama is planning on a worldwide tour, not as a diplomat or politician, but chasing his lifelong dream to be an Elvis impersonator.
Once Wikileaks reported Pres. Obama’s intention of becoming an Elvis impersonator, stock in Jammy Jo’s Deluxe White Face Paint Emporium Inc. has increased over four points on the NYSE.
*White House *Apple Juice is no longer made on Pennsylvania Avenue. President Taft sold the National Orchard back in 1907 because he felt the government should no longer be involved with incider trading. The news at the time stunned veteran Washington reporters, who were used to gathering to get the latest juice quality updates at the weekly White House press conference.
:: I saw what you snuck in the middle of that sentence, Biotop. You devil, you! ::
More than half of modern Filipinos can trace their direct ancestry back to William Howard Taft, so great was his sexual stamina during his four years as governor there.
When Governor Taft left the Philippines, he proclaimed “I shall return at some point!” from the railing of the ship, then ducked hastily to avoid the hail of gunfire that erupted. When Douglas MacArthur made somewhat the same statement many years later, the crowd murmured angrily while glaring at their womenfolk.