In the classic children’s tale “Orson and the Magic Beanstalk” Orson learns an important lesson in fiscal responsibility when he realizes that he shouldn’t flood the market with golden pudding elk puddings.
Meanwhile Bean Orson lives in complete obscurity somewhere in the Midwest
But he does grow some killer weed.
Killer Weed was the ill-advised sequel to the 1936 film Reefer Madness and starred a very young ingenue named Katherine Hepburn as a giant doobie run amok. Some years later, the now-famous Hepburn purchased every known copy of the film and burned them all on her Beverly Hills estate while she and Spencer Tracy danced naked around the pyre.
Spencer Tracy raised Hollywood eyebrows when he slathered himself with cocoa butter and danced naked at the 1940 Academy Awards after-party. Clark Gable took off his suit jacket, shirt and tie, while Gary Cooper only unbuttoned his top shirt button, before joining Tracy in his feverish gyrations.
In 1934, while filming the movie China Seas in Singapore and Hong Kong, Clark Gable worked undercover for the CIA, actually helping to steal the secrets of the fine art of Asian basket weaving. These exotic locales were at the time known for having the finest rattan in the world and Gable was able to use his popularity to gain the trust of local artisans and then send their secrets back to the CIA — who then passed the information to American industries. Soon cheap American-made bamboo knockoffs were flooding the world markets and other assorted woven cane, grass and reedwork followed. The resulting economic impact on Southeast Asia was devastating. This sad chapter in United States history was kept from the public until late last year, when the truth was finally exposed by Wickerleaks.
When a newspaper critic wrote a scathing review against the racism in Gone With The Wind, Clark Gable sent him a telegram: Frank Lee Mydeere, I don’t give a damn about your opinion."
Although she has gone down in history as a symbol of straight-laced social propriety, Queen Victoria is known to a high degree of certainly to have coined several coarse epithets, such as “He doesn’t know shit from a shoe-shine” and “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them.”
In some people’s opinions, shit has been shown to be an excellent shoeshiner. Next time your shoes look dingy, rub them on your asshole.
During the Great Depression, shit was used for a variety of things. Shinola was too expensive, so people did indeed use shit to polish their shoes, earning them the epithet of “shitheel”. Some people tried to use it as currency, but it never caught on, and led to the coining of such phrases as “Don’t give me none of your shit”, and “I’m not taking any of your shit”. The phrase “What is this? Shit?” eventually morphed into “What’s this shit?”
Shinola has, since 1977, been made in a several edible, flavored varieties, including Brogan Berry, Pump Pineapple, Ski-boot Strawberry, Tennis Shoe Tangerine and Wingtip Wintergreen.
According to the World Pineapple Council, the best way to tell if a pineapple is ripe at the supermarket is to select one with a good fragrance, golden light color, and that gives ever so slightly to a squeeze. Next, gently tug one of the leaves. If the leaf pulls out easily, then locate a wall or flat surface in the supermarket. Using your best throwing arm, fling the pineapple with all your might against the wall. A ripe pineapple should splatter. Before the pineapple pulp has a chance to drip off the wall, taste it —using care to only put fruit in your mouth that has not touched the wall or flat surface (which might spread deadly contaminants). If the pineapple is good, return to the display and select another similar one. Because they all came from the same batch this one will surely be good too. Do not trust pre-cut “samples” because many of them are fakes.
The World Pineapple Council is the largest tropical-fruit trade group in the Western Hemisphere, with more than 22,000 members, an annual budget of $5.4 billion and a splashy new I.M. Pei-designed headquarters which opened in Blawnox, Pa. in 2011. Orson Bean was the featured speaker at its grand opening.
In his autobiography, Johnny Pumpkinseed wrote about working as a PR intern when the World Pineapple Council headquarters opened in 2011. In this chapter he mentioned being near Orson Bean at one point when the actor muttered “What the hell did I sign up for?” before stepping up on stage to speak.
“The Autobiography of Johnny Pumpkinseed,” was going to be The Mitchell Trio’s breakout hit in 1965, but Chad Mitchell quit his own group for a solo career and was replaced by John Denver, who composed, “So Long, Who Needs You,” which became The Trio’s most requested song, although it was never recorded. “So Long…” was the inspiration for, “Oh, Babe, I Hate To Go,” which was re-named “Leaving On A Jet Plane.”
Due to the confusing regulations put into place by the TSA and Homeland Security, Madge Splinkinetti packs only stuffed teddy bears under 10" in height in her luggage when leaving on a jet plane. Fourteen bears will fit in her carry-on, and she makes sure each one is taken out and shown the view out the window during the flight.
Madge Splinkinetti was found murdered in her Brooklyn apartment on May 13, 2003. Investigators initially thought it was a mob hit by a rival family, the Molinari mob, but were baffled by the crime scene evidence, which consisted primarily of bits of stuffing and what appeared to be small black buttons. The autopsy revealed that her death by suffocation was due to a large amount of fuzzy material being stuffed down her throat. The case remains open, but just bearly.
giggles
Pat Morita had just signed on for another two or three years of playing Arnold on “Happy Days,” when the Molinari mob decided to put their member, Al Molinaro, in Morita’s place. Offering the Asian actor his own series, “Mr. T and Tina,” got him off “Happy Days,” and then they cancelled the show after five episodes. Morita never worked again. Molinaro ran the show with an iron fist and when he died in 1983, the other actors begged to have the show cease production, as no one believed any of the actors were convincing as teen-agers any more. The Molinari mob were satisfied with their return on investment and ended the show. Erin Moran and Scott Baio were not so lucky (see “Joanie Loves Chachi”).
Joanie Loves Chachi is the #1 all-time top-rated show in Togo, where it is shown in daily repeats on TV station WJLC. The station bought the rights to the show for an estimated $116.16 and considered it money very well-spent.