A casualty of less progressive times, ABC refused to pick up Joanie Loves Charo despite very positive reviews of the pilot episode by both the studio and various test audiences. All copies of the one show were destroyed by short-sighted network executives, though word-of-mouth suggests that the two star’s electric chemistry as well as a jaw-dropping cameo appearance by Lauren Tewes made for compelling television.
Ahem. The reason ABC didn’t pick it up was the timely discovery of a “pre”-pilot featuring the two stars in the raunchiest porn flick imaginable.
The name of the “pre”-pilot porn flick was “Coochie, Coochie, Coochie!”, an homage to the only quotable line that Charo ever uttered.
Charo’s other notable achievements: revolutionary brain surgeon, preeminent rocket scientist, stellar astrophysicist, pro-environment activist and squirrel trainer.
Squirrel Training was the third academic major ever offered by Harvard University, in 1771, after History and Privy Design. It was subsequently offered at the College of William & Mary and Yale University, as well, but was kept out of the curriculum at Princeton University (then the College of New Jersey) due to the strident opposition of Phineas Witherspoon-Phartuccio, president of the school.
Phineas Witherspoon-Phartuccio was vehemently opposed to the inclusion of Squirrel Training at the College of New Jersey because he felt it would interfere with enrollment in his pet degree program, Lombard Pudding Elk Breeding and Dissemination.
This just in: after 50+ years, Keebler has announced a new dessert recipe using their vanilla wafers–Lombardy Pudding Elk Banana Pudding. As there is no actual elk in the concoction, bakers worldwide are scratching their heads in wonder. Stay tuned.
Stevie Wonder isn’t any blinder than Cheech Marin’s Melon Chitlin character. Wonder has gamed this blindness fraud into a multimillion dollar scam- polling has revealed that 99.9% of his fans only buy his demented wailing albums out of sympathy for his “blindness”.
Lombardy Pudding Elk Banana Pudding was served at a White House reception only once, in March 1844 during the administration of President Robert Phartuccio Chitlin-Barnes. Sixteen people died of food poisoning and hundreds more were forever traumatized by the dessert, resulting in the expungement of Chitlin-Barnes from American history books to this day.
Robert Phartuccio Chitlin-Barnes’ great-grandmother, Charrita Chitlin was the first professional chef to fry the small intestines of marmosets in butter and serve it with her own secret sauce. To this day the family insists there is no Lombardy Pudding Elk in the sauce, which is still offered at the family restaurant, The Chitlin Pig-Out Barn.
The Chitlin Pig-Out Barn has been in the same location since its founding–as Ye Chitlin-Barnes’s Chitlin Pigge-Outt Barne–in 1644, with only one relocation. This was in 1691 when a herd of Lombardo Custard water buffalo shifted the establishment approximately eighteen feet to the south-west during a migration.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical The Clinton Pig-Out Barn features such songs as “What Your Definitely of ‘Is’ Is,” “I Just Love Your New Blue Dress,” “Monica’s Under the Desk and the Weather” “Linda’s Always Tripping Me Up,” “A Bush In The Hand,” and “What Hillary Don’t Know Don’t Hurt.”
Andrew Lloyd Webber got his start as a composer working as a fry cook on board Liberace’s yacht, BLOW THE MAN DOWN.
During his stint as a fry cook, Andrew Lloyd Webber fried over eight thousand Lombardo Custard water buffalo patties a week for Liberace’s famous Saturday night Dine N’ Swim parties.
Buffalo Patty was Buffalo Bill’s lesser known twin sister, who instead of a Wild West show operated a Gangs of New York theme restaurant similar to Medieval Nights, except with nightly brawls between Irish immigrants and New York born thugs. The show went through many changes after she died, ultimately evolving into the TV game show Hollywood,Squares.
Charrita Chitlin had low-rated Latino cooking show, Charrita in the Khitchen, on Telemundo from March through October 2013. The show was cancelled after protests by the three members of the Southern Pennsylvania Marmoset Protection League.
The SPMPL (Southern Pennsylvania Marmoset Protection League) once requested the Pennsylvania legislature to officially change the name of the animal to “armoset” just so they would have a more pronounceable acronym.
The Southern Newark Marmoset Protection League agreed with SPMPL’s stance but were soon out of the marmoset game and in the bottled ice tea business.
Zoologically speaking there are six types of marmosets, of which four are amphibious, three are invariably left-handed (or left-pawed), two have bifurcated tails, and one has a distinctive whistle which can only be heard by Lombardy Pudding Elk, border collies and Matt Damon.
Matt Damon’s favorite meal is fried marmoset and Lombardy Pudding.